To have told my son about some of my (and his) history

[User1230987]

I have a DS 16 that I have a great relationship with. My own background is colourful to say the least. I was born and raised in a squat to heroin addicted parents, I’m now well respected in my region as a hardworking and influential businesswoman.

Me and DS were hanging out this evening, and I filled him in on some of my history (and his ancestry). He was surprised as this was really the first he knew about any of this. He seems to be okay, but a bit shocked. I asked him if he thinks less of me, and he did say ‘If anything I think more of you’. I guess I’m just worried I’ve put too much on him, he’s told me he’s blown away by the info, I guess because it’s my life story, I didn’t expect it to be such a bombshell. But of course it must have been for him.

Hes gone to bed, I’m still awake and freaking out that I shouldn’t have told him.

Should I have told him? Is he still too young?

He’s old enough and will be fine but keep talking to him. Counselling is an option (for both of you).

You did the right and natural thing OP.
After all it's his family history too.

I think it's great that you have such a close and open relationship with him.

And he is right to respect you for what you have made of your life given your difficult start.

I don’t think 16yo is too young per se. You could argue it might be late. Did he never ask about his grandparents? Have you ever lied to him?

He seems to have reacted well. Let him digest this information at his own pace and make sure he knows he can ask more questions if he wants to. As a rule, I firmly believe we all need to know where we come from and who we are. It gives children a stable and solid grounding (even if it might not be the best start or one which might take time to come to terms with) from which they can move forward. We none of us can be sure our futures are ours, if our histories aren’t. We need to know who we are.

This really resonates with me because I grew up not knowing who my father was. No one would ever talk to me about him and it plagued my childhood. I was told I was taken away as a baby, but when I found him, in my early 20s, he sent me photographs of us together when I was 4 or 5 years old… a real head fuck for lack of a better phrase. He’s dead now.

I don’t want that for my DS. I’ve always been open and honest with my boy. There’s no medical conditions etc he should know about as far as I know, but I’ve always known I would tell him some day about my father, because he’s his grandfather and we share a genetic makeup and it’s a big part of my history.

I think I’m just freaking out because I didn’t plan to tell him like this. He seems to have taken it well, but I’m awake and panicking a bit.

He never asked about my real father. He knows my mother and 2 stepfathers, and I have never ever lied to him.

Why do you think he'd think less of you?

I’ve been through decades of counselling, on and off, I’m not perfect but pretty confident and strong in myself. I’ll definitely tell him that counselling is an option if he feels he need to work through what I’ve told him this evening.

I guess because maybe im not the super strong role model I’ve always portrayed, I can’t really explain it, but there’s a shame that comes with your father not wanting to know you, growing up in squalor and addiction. I don’t know, my background is something I’m not proud of really, I thought I’d worked hard to overcome it, my son never saw anything even close to what I saw, but admitting to my lovely DS was really tough. I don’t know why I did it, I’m regretting it I think. It’s a lot for him to process

I also have a half brother who I tracked down before my father died. From what I know he’s also a terrible person, we had little bit of contact but when I found out he’d lost his kids due to violence against their mother I cut all contact. For some stupid reason I mentioned to my DS that I had a half brother/ he has an uncle and it piqued his interest. He’s too nice a boy to want to have a relationship with someone like that, but I could see the interest, because he only has aunts and very few cousins. I just don’t know why I told him. But then I swing back ti thinking, he deserves to know, this is unfortunately his family.

Wish I’d prepared this better

You are not responsible for your parents.

You’ve broken the chain. That’s something to be extremely proud of. You’ve taken responsibility for your own child, perhaps in ways your own parents didn’t for you.

Talk to your therapist about all this. You may be having feelings of regret simply because you can’t take this information back, put the genie back in its bottle.

It sounds like it’s not so much your son and your future you are worrying about so much as still dealing with yourself and your past.

You should be proud of overcoming your difficult background. Don’t focus so much on was this the right time to tell your son etc, it was always going to be tough whenever or however you told him.I think you need to stay strong and confident for him, he will follow your lead. You haven’t done anything wrong. We have a similar (ish) situation in our family, kids at university age and have only hinted at things so far. It’s hard to know what to do for the best.

I think 16 is old enough. I was a similar age, little younger, when I was filled in on some pretty unpleasant stuff about my biological father. I was pretty mature though so it was nothing I couldn't handle.

Well that first bit is bollocks. You absolutely bloody are the super strong role model he’s always known. If anything, you’ve shown him that you’ve achieved stuff against the odds, which makes you even more of a kick arse mum.

He’ll be fine; he’ll process it in his own way and I think you chose the perfect time to tell him. He’s old enough to cope with it and young enough to adapt. If you’d told him in ten years, it could have shaken his whole world view.

I think you’re panicking because that shame never really vanishes completely and you want to protect your babies from knowing that things like this even exist in the world. I’d imagine he’s very proud of his mum about now.

Thank you so much, the genie in the bottle analogy rings true. I feel like I’ve done so much work on myself, I’m comfortable with where I came from now, albeit a little embarrassing in certain circles, but I almost feel like I’ve passed a torch of shame to my DS that he now has to deal with? Does that make sense?

I always knew I would tell him, but I didn’t think it would be tonight, I wasn’t prepared.

This will be harder for you than your son. For you talking about it is dealing with difficult memories with all the difficult emotions attached to them. For your son it doesn't have that same emotional weight or trauma attached to it.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, none of us are responsible for our upbringing, good or bad. Your son is right - that you have overcome your upbringing is something to be proud of. And that he recognises that is further proof that you have done a good job raising him.

@User1230987 Your beginnings should and will make your son million times more proud of you. You’ve come from that to who you are today. You’re quite remarkable.

I can understand given the extreme nature of your experiences growing up why you have been hesitant to share your life story eith your son.
But would find it more worrying, and more potentially damaging to him, if you didn't talk to him about your life growing up and his relatives . Of course not going into unnecessary graphic details.
It's natural for him to want to know who he is and where he came from as regards his family history.
I don't think secrecy is a good thing, apart from.in very exceptional circumstances.
I don't think you should regret telling him. I can only see your openess as being a good thing for your relationship and for his understanding of life.

I’ve honestly just burst out in tears again @WilfredsPiesI don’t think the shame ever vanishes, I’m a strong, accomplished woman but admitting to my son who my father was has almost brought me back to that small, confused girl whose father didn’t want her. And I didn’t know why, or what I’d done wrong.

My DS was amazing, but obviously shocked, when I told him, I just don’t want to put this on him but I have. I just think I should have waited a few years maybe. We talked a lot about it tonight, and about other things, and he was so obviously mentally exhausted by the time he went to bed. I think it was just too much for him

You can only pass a torch to someone who accepts it. Your son is one further step removed from your parents, time has passed, he’s had you as his mother…his life is different from yours. Make sure he knows he doesn’t have to bear the shame. It’s not his.

Timing clearly wasn’t great, but maybe look at it like ripping off a band aid. At least you didn’t fret for days and weeks, rehearsing a speech! He’s 16. He won’t be as acute to all this as you are.

You both need time. Take it. There’s no hurry. You did the right thing. You’ll be okay with this in time.

I hope you’re right in saying it’ll be harder for me. I asked him before bed if we could have a very brief chat about it all over the weekend and he said ‘of course, let me digest this and chat again this weekend’. He’s an incredible boy. But it’s almost like seeing myself learning for the first time that my father was a heroin addict. It’s like I’m seeing myself sad all over again, in him. It’s just broken me a bit. It’s the generational impact I just didn’t want him to experience. But I think I had to tell him sometime

Thank you so much, and I really felt like that for so long, I’d overcome my squalid beginnings and really forged a path for me and DS. I just didn’t anticipate how much it would hurt to share with DS his background. I know he’ll love me anyway, but it shocked him and it’s broken me a little. It’s just very unexpected.

I would never kept this from him. As I mentioned, I grew up with my father being an unspoken enigma, it plagued my childhood, I’d never have kept it from DS. I know how much secrecy damages a childhood. But he’s never asked, I have DM, there’s her husband who DS is very, very close with, another stepfather who is useless, I’m not sure it’s occurred to him that I have a ‘bio dad’ until this evening. And I’m not sure this evening was the right time to tell him, but maybe it was?

Thank you so much. I’ll be damned if I pass this torch to him. The flame ends with me, I’ve put that out with years and years of therapy and work. It’s done and he has not, and will not, carry that burden or shame.

I know he’s 16, but he’s a sensitive soul, I know this will weigh on him, and I didn’t (and won’t) even tell him half the abuse I suffered.

You’re right in that we both need time, I’ll take him to the beach tomorrow, no chat required, just sea air and if he opens up, then great. If not, I’ll leave it another day until I ask how he feels about everything? I really hope he’s okay with it all.

I am so sorry, I really didn’t mean to upset you. I just know what that shame feels like. And how you can say things to other people that sound normal, until you say them out loud, and you realise all over again how awful it was, and on top of that, you’re worrying about the person you’ve told because they have no understanding of that sort of stuff, especially when it’s someone you love and your natural instinct is to protect them.

I honestly think he’ll be fine. He might not want to talk about it for a while, and that’s understandable because it’s a lot to take in, but I think he’ll gradually start asking questions here and there. Baby steps for both of you. I think you sound like an amazing mum.

Oh @WilfredsPiesdont worry, you’ve been lovely and haven’t upset me, I’m just emotional. Everything you said about things being normal until you say them out loud, is what I feel. I’ve genuinely worked through the hurt, shame and regret as best as I could in years of therapy. But saying it out loud feels like I’ve passed this burden to my beautiful son. I’ve just checked in on him and he’s talking in his sleep, a pure sign of stress (we both talk and walk in our sleep when we’re stressed, we’re a weird household!)

I’ll ask him if he wants to chat in the morning at home, if not, we’ll head straight for the beach and then we’ve plans with friends tomorrow so I won’t push it. But I think we should definitely have even a 5 minute check in before the weekend is over where I just say ‘You good? You know I’m here?’ etc. Hopefully he wakes less stressed in a few hours than my overactive brain is worrying about.