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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my son about some of my (and his) history

64 replies

User1230987 · 02/08/2025 02:35

I have a DS 16 that I have a great relationship with. My own background is colourful to say the least. I was born and raised in a squat to heroin addicted parents, I’m now well respected in my region as a hardworking and influential businesswoman.

Me and DS were hanging out this evening, and I filled him in on some of my history (and his ancestry). He was surprised as this was really the first he knew about any of this. He seems to be okay, but a bit shocked. I asked him if he thinks less of me, and he did say ‘If anything I think more of you’. I guess I’m just worried I’ve put too much on him, he’s told me he’s blown away by the info, I guess because it’s my life story, I didn’t expect it to be such a bombshell. But of course it must have been for him.

Hes gone to bed, I’m still awake and freaking out that I shouldn’t have told him.

Should I have told him? Is he still too young?

OP posts:
SunsetMarbella · 02/08/2025 04:56

I think everyone needs to know their roots. However, I hope OP you haven't done a trauma dump on your DS because not everyone is prepared to take in so much of information on others suffering especially someone they love. Please don't include graphic details.
You sound like an amazing mum and hope he just makes peace with this information.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 02/08/2025 05:22

I have no advice OP but I just want to say I hope you’re very, very proud of yourself. My partner grew up in similar circumstances and not everyone manages to break the cycle. It’s very difficult. He’s only recently managed to come out the other side.

16 is a good age to start talking about these things. I’m very open with DD about my past because I didn’t want to normalise it in her head and teenagers have a lot of questions and over the years she’s responded very well. You got this.

GoFaster83 · 02/08/2025 05:30

I think you're a bloody hero! Nothing to add that hasn't already been said more eloquently than I could say it. So Im just going to stick to "YOU ARE A BLOODY HERO".

itsgettingweird · 02/08/2025 05:42

You did a good thing.

You showed your ds you trust him enough not to judge you from your background.

and in response he’s shown you you’ve raised him well as he’s responded about how much admiration he has for you changing the oath you were born into.

iloveeverykindofcat · 02/08/2025 06:24

I think it depends how it came up. Was it natural, did it lead from his questions, or did you just...tell him? I'm not actually sure how I feel about the idea that things that happen before we were born inform who we are. I don't know. I don't think anyone knows how far that's true.

My parents went through all kinds of things before I was born that I feel ...fairly detached from? They escaped the Ba'ath regime when my father, who was a civil engineer, came under increasing threat to join the party. Family members were imprisoned, people they know got disappeared by the government, they crossed borders illegally to survive, all kinds of things. I learned about these things gradually I guess when I was old enough to know roughly was happening in the Middle East during the 80s and 90s and started to ask things like "wait...so how did you...?" But I don't feel like that's my history. That's their history. I was born in safety and comfort in the UK.

It sounds like he took it well, anyway. It seems like you have good communication between you. He was probably going to find out at some point and 16 is probably mature enough to absorb it.

Girlygal · 02/08/2025 07:04

User1230987 · 02/08/2025 03:17

I also have a half brother who I tracked down before my father died. From what I know he’s also a terrible person, we had little bit of contact but when I found out he’d lost his kids due to violence against their mother I cut all contact. For some stupid reason I mentioned to my DS that I had a half brother/ he has an uncle and it piqued his interest. He’s too nice a boy to want to have a relationship with someone like that, but I could see the interest, because he only has aunts and very few cousins. I just don’t know why I told him. But then I swing back ti thinking, he deserves to know, this is unfortunately his family.

Wish I’d prepared this better

Your son doesn’t need counselling from finding out his grandparents were drug addicts especially as he’s never been involved with them. He definitely needs to know that your brother is abusive towards women and shouldn’t be contacted. Just don’t use him as a therapist.

moose62 · 02/08/2025 07:12

In a lot of respects it will show your son that anyone can overcome adversity and you don't have to become the product of your birth.
You have completely changed your life from rotten beginnings that weren't your fault in any way.
I'm sure he will be very proud of you.

JustAQuietSpotPlease · 02/08/2025 07:27

I also think children forget we are actual people who were children ourselves too. They just see us in Mother role. Dh and I have always talked about our childhoods with our children, partly because there are lots of funny stories but also because a friend of ours died in her 30s and her parents and ex rewrote history and it sickened us. We wanted our children to have our truth so that if Grandparents later told a different story to paint themselves in a better light, they would know the other side to it.

I think now is a good time to have conversations. Some children just never think to ask questions so best to just say what you want or need to say. Dh grew up very middle class and I grew up poor with low parental input. My children know that you can break the cycle and make a better life for yourself. I was the Mother I wished I had, I did everything differently to how I was raised. I know lots of people say they had a difficult childhood but social services were involved in mine.

I think you did the right thing OP, it is just a lot for your son to take in. He probably also feels awful that you had that childhood too.

NebulouslyContemporaneous · 02/08/2025 07:28

I don't think that shame will be passed on in the way that you fear, @User1230987 .

You experience shame because as a small child you were living in the middle of all the chaos and difficulty when you were far too young to process it. Your sense of yourself was damaged by it. Shame isn't an objective, realistic response. It is a symptom of the trauma you went through.

It sounds like your son has had a loving, appropriate home and that he has developed into a grounded, sensitive and kind soul. He won't feel shame because he hasn't been damaged by trauma. He might have lesser negative reactions, like perhaps embarrassment at the thought of telling others about this part of his family history. But not shame. That is something deeper and much more corrosive.

I can think of a few men that I have known who seem profoundly kind and empathetic, and whose mothers have been through bad stuff, such as domestic violence. I get the impression that knowledge of a mother's suffering can be something that creates a sort of resilient kindness.

That wouldn't be true if they acquired that knowledge in a manner that was too traumatic for them to deal with. But I don't think your conversation was of that sort. Distressing and exhausting perhaps, but not something that would overwhelm his psyche.

He may even have already picked up currents in your family life that had begun to shape his capacity to absorb what you have told him. Unconsciously, I mean. Even when we are putting certain things away at the back of our mind to protect our children, they do still influence who and how we are, and our children see us.

Pricelessadvice · 02/08/2025 07:30

Your son sounds like a gorgeous lad. Well done OP xx

Tatty247 · 02/08/2025 07:31

For me the question is OP, where is your son's father? I think all this might be a lot harder for him if he has his own issues with his father. It could feel like there are a line of 'bad' men that he comes from, especially when the uncle also is problematic - and where does that leave him in his mind?

This doesn't mean you shouldn't have told him, but if his father isn't around then hopefully he has some other good male role models in his life.

BigOldBlobsy · 02/08/2025 07:37

Breaking a chain is incredibly hard.
My mother and father both did similar, lots of abuse/substance use etc within their families. I’ve had a lovely, stable and warm childhood, and have seen them work hard to have their careers.

At 16-18 I kind of grasped it, it seemed huge and I was proud of them. Now with years of social work/mental health and therapist experience , and a parent myself, I can truly see it for the monumental effort it was for them and can’t ever imagine being so strong! I think so highly of them.

UsernameMcUsername · 02/08/2025 07:50

I come from a similar background. First off, I don't personally feel any shame at all, genuinely. I never have. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I'm quite open about it with friends - I think they all know the basics. I think anyone who's going to judge me for something like that isn't worth being round anyway. Same for your DS. It honestly won't scar him! My kids have known the absolute basic since forever - they needed to know why the GPs on that side are all long dead. I actually think reading your posts that this is hitting YOU very very hard, almost certainly a hundred times more than it'll hit him. Maybe let him be unless he actively asks and focus on your own reactions.

DollyPinkDaydream · 02/08/2025 08:00

I’ve not read all the responses, but just wanted to add that kids are wayyyy more resilient than we credit them for and always (in my experience of working with them) appreciate candour and honesty over being patronised so I think you have 100% done the right thing. You sound amazing. Enjoy your day at the beach!

Myfridgeiscool · 02/08/2025 08:02

OP you sound an incredible mother. What an achievement and what a marvellous job you’ve done in raising your son.
I reckon he’ll need a few chats once he’s processed the information, he knows you’ve 100% got him though, he’ll be grand.

Toptotoe · 02/08/2025 08:24

You survived heroine addicted parents. I’m sure he will survive this . . .
He will hopefully have some of you resiliency genes. He has just gone off to process it all in true boy fashion. Give him space and plan to do something fun this weekend. I’m sure it will be ok. Well done on making it through 💪

GiveDogBone · 03/08/2025 17:42

You should never hide anything from your children they will find out and resent not being told sooner, or being lied to. You did the right thing.

Zoec1975 · 03/08/2025 17:47

It’s ok he is 16,old enough to understand.im sorry for you for how you were raised but proud you overcame your childhood to be a strong wonderful adult xxx

Lizziespring · 03/08/2025 17:52

You're amazing to have survived all that so well plus raising a son who sounds lovely. As a fellow single parent of a now-adult son with whom I get on well, I'm sure your young man means it when he says he respects you. Yes, keep talking, checking in and being available for real, connected conversations. That's good for all people?💐

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 03/08/2025 18:00

User1230987 · 02/08/2025 02:35

I have a DS 16 that I have a great relationship with. My own background is colourful to say the least. I was born and raised in a squat to heroin addicted parents, I’m now well respected in my region as a hardworking and influential businesswoman.

Me and DS were hanging out this evening, and I filled him in on some of my history (and his ancestry). He was surprised as this was really the first he knew about any of this. He seems to be okay, but a bit shocked. I asked him if he thinks less of me, and he did say ‘If anything I think more of you’. I guess I’m just worried I’ve put too much on him, he’s told me he’s blown away by the info, I guess because it’s my life story, I didn’t expect it to be such a bombshell. But of course it must have been for him.

Hes gone to bed, I’m still awake and freaking out that I shouldn’t have told him.

Should I have told him? Is he still too young?

Your reaction is possibly trauma linked. You function really highly and have compartmentalised your past. (By the sound of it from what you’ve said.) Which is a really common survival response to a difficult past.

But being open and vulnerable can feel shameful/guilt ridden

i would be willing to bet you handled the conversation well. And your son will be absolutely fine. Letting people really know you with a difficult past can be difficult. But he deserved to get to know the whole you.

FeetLikeFlippers · 03/08/2025 18:00

User1230987 · 02/08/2025 03:03

I guess because maybe im not the super strong role model I’ve always portrayed, I can’t really explain it, but there’s a shame that comes with your father not wanting to know you, growing up in squalor and addiction. I don’t know, my background is something I’m not proud of really, I thought I’d worked hard to overcome it, my son never saw anything even close to what I saw, but admitting to my lovely DS was really tough. I don’t know why I did it, I’m regretting it I think. It’s a lot for him to process

Show quote history

OP you sound amazing and you must be incredibly strong to have gone through all that as a child and still turned into a decent adult and great mother. You should be so proud of what you’ve achieved and I think your son’s mature reaction to what you told him shows that you have raised an amazing human being! It sounds like you picked the right time to tell him and his positive reaction speaks volumes about how good your relationship is with him - and remember that’s down to you. Please stop beating yourself up and be proud of everything you have achieved xxx

godmum56 · 03/08/2025 18:45

OP I think you are a lovely parent and handled your situation as well as would be possible. Keep chatting if and when he wants to. I think he will be a bit shellshocked but I think his reaction shows that you did ok and what a brilliant thing for him to say.

TalkingPoint55 · 03/08/2025 19:36

You sound amazing. I would just say maybe be a bit more explicit when you check back on with him. Don't just say, 'You ok? 'm here', but more 'I know what I told you the other day may be really tough to hear and process, but I'm here if and when you want to ask me any questions. And I love you and am always here for you'. 16 is neither too young to hear this news, nor too old to need that level of reassurance.

Driftingawaynow · 03/08/2025 19:39

I talk to my teen about my nefarious past, which includes some of what you’re describing, it is helpful as we can talk about drugs etc and he knows I have insight and listens to me more I think.
seems like you’ve stumbled upon a pocket of shame you weren’t aware was there, that is worth working on.
There’s a lovely exercise you might know, where you imagine yourself as a little child and in real life take her for a walk, take her to sit on a beautiful beach, tuck her up in bed next to you and watch Mary Poppins together, give her an ice cream. Practice reparenting yourself and treat her with the same love and care you have no doubt treated your son. Protect and integrate her into modern day you. I think once you’ve done that when you consider how badly she was let down you will feel no shame at all, the shame rests with the adults, not that little girl

Silverfoxette · 03/08/2025 19:54

I really empathise with your situation and I think it’s great that you spoke to your son. It’s a tough decision and you’re doing great.