To have told my son about some of my (and his) history

[User1230987]

I have a DS 16 that I have a great relationship with. My own background is colourful to say the least. I was born and raised in a squat to heroin addicted parents, I’m now well respected in my region as a hardworking and influential businesswoman.

Me and DS were hanging out this evening, and I filled him in on some of my history (and his ancestry). He was surprised as this was really the first he knew about any of this. He seems to be okay, but a bit shocked. I asked him if he thinks less of me, and he did say ‘If anything I think more of you’. I guess I’m just worried I’ve put too much on him, he’s told me he’s blown away by the info, I guess because it’s my life story, I didn’t expect it to be such a bombshell. But of course it must have been for him.

Hes gone to bed, I’m still awake and freaking out that I shouldn’t have told him.

Should I have told him? Is he still too young?

I’ll bet your boy is so proud of you but will almost certainly feel protective towards you. I also think it will feel much bigger for you than him, he’s one step removed and didn’t know your parents. It feels so big for you I think because you’ve brought your 2 worlds together (in your head at least) and to some degree it might feel like it’s tainting the life you and your son have now. These feelings are all very natural when we stop compartmentalising which is what you’ve probably needed to do to survive. You sound an amazing mum and woman OP.

You did the right thing OP, I did an ancestry DNA test once and it's mind-blowing what they can tell you about the various generations of your family and who it can reunite with - at least if your son ever got curious to try something like that, he already knows the important stuff - there's no worry now of him finding out any other way and him feeling shocked and upset that you didn't tell him.

If he's a good kid, he'd be proud as punch. I am, and I don't even know you.

Gotta say ive got total respect for you also . Well done momma sounds like you've done an awesome job and I love the closeness you and your son have. Stop worrying and enjoy hanging out with him x

This.

None of that was your fault and you have risen above it. He should be proud of you.

I can’t see why he would need counselling it’s your past not his you are nothing like ur parents he sounds like he had a good upbringing you haven’t said anything that should affect him he is probably just shocked as you have done well for yourself and he probably thinks kids who have that lifestyle would not be like you. Don’t lose any more sleep you just wanted him to know the past and now he knows he respects you even more now.

I think your situation is similar to that of Holocaust Survivors.

I am the daughter of a Survivor on one side, and the granddaughter of a Survivor on the other side.

Am I ashamed that my parent/grandparent were slave labourers, scavenged for good in bins to survive, stole and committed fraud to keep their families fed, lived in squalor and had lice? No! I am proud of their resilience! I am proud that they retained their humanity in their commitment to each other in their communities! I am proud of the lives and the future that they created from less than nothing.

And I recognise also that I have been affected by their trauma. For example, I have had to learn to throw things away, and I always have full food-cupboards.

You, like my family, are a survivor who has built a good future for yourself and for your child. Of course your ds is intrigued by your childhood - it couldn't be more different to his! But there is no shame. None.

Thank you everyone, we’ve had a busy weekend with outings and evening plans with friends so I’m only getting the chance to catch up now.

Your messages have brought me to tears after a long hard weekend of overthinking, this place can be so lovely at times,so understanding, I can’t thank you all enough.

We went on Saturday to the beach and I kept it light, we were only there a short time and we’re having fun so didn’t want to get too heavy. ‘How’re you feeling about our chat last night?’ Ya, I’m okay about it, how’re you feeling? I’m okay, just a bit worried that it was a lot for you to take. Nah, I’m okay Mum, don’t worry, glad you told me.

We stayed with friends on Saturday night and he chose to bunk in with me in the same bed, not something he’s done for years. Gave me a big cuddle before sleep, felt like he was being quite protective and maybe he needed that closeness as well.

On the go all day Sunday so didn’t get to chat much really.

Went out today and had lunch, I reminded him then that if he had any questions, I was always, always more than happy to answer as best I could. Asked him if he wanted to see some photos this evening and he said yes. So we sat down tonight with the few photos I have of that time, of my father, my brother, the rest of that side of the family etc. Reiterated again that my brother is not someone we should be in contact with, but if he wants to make contact or meet him, to please discuss with me first, that I would understand the curiosity and facilitate as best I can but to please, please never ever approach any of the family alone.

I think he’ll be okay, it’s definitely a lot for him to take on, but I would much prefer him to know ‘where he came from’ than for him to have these unanswered, unspoken about questions that I grew up having, no matter how difficult they are to address.

I’ll keep checking in with him, I’ll keep trying to make sure he knows he can ask any questions he wants, or discuss any fears etc. and that I’ll be honest, honest in a way no one was with me when I was growing up.

Thank you all for calming me, and making me realise that, while it wasn’t planned, it was the right thing to tell him, I almost feel a weight lifted x

I have to say you are incredible. Please find a way of putting aside the shame - despite all your hardships you have managed to free yourself a generational curse. He will be feeling protective over you for what you've been through, it's all very raw at the moment. But knowing what you've overcome will make him stronger and even prouder of you than he thought was possible. Look in the mirror and remind yourself what you've achieved - and be proud of yourself!

Just wanted to come back to this thread and thank everyone. Everyone single one of your messages were both supportive and constructive and really helped me navigate this situation. Me and my beautiful boy are doing great.

i think what made me come back to this thread was that I won a really big national businesswomen’s award last week, honestly so unexpected, so shocked on the night but bloody emotional when I reflected afterwards in private. I dedicated the award completely to my son on the night, becoming his mother absolutely made me the woman I am and I made sure my dedication that night was recorded and sent to him. He’s been so proud of me 🥲

He’s doing great, I made the right decision in being open with him, he’s just so kind and adaptable and agile and understanding it’s blown me away. Like I said that night, he’s growing into the most incredible human I have ever met. And I have peace in knowing that I didn’t do to him what was done to me in regards secrecy when I was younger and I am so, so glad. It’s a generational hurt I’ve not passed on.

Thanks for your time everyone, you really calmed me in that moment, and many moments since… and probably contributed to my award win recently because it was further validation that my background wasn’t my shame to carry.

Thank you ❤️

So pleased for you. Massive, huge congratulations on the award, but bigger congratulations for raising him so brilliantly. You’re right; it’s not your shame to carry and you’ve made sure it’s not his shame either. Well done you, on all fronts. 💐

Thank you so much. It might sound weird, but it almost feels like I’ve wiped the slate and we’ve started our family again from scratch over the last few months. Does that makes any sense? Like, our family started with me and my boy and our history is just a blurry mess we’re gonna acknowledge but move on from. It’s a really great feeling whatever it is 🙂

Totally fine.