To be angry and upset

[Oldlady62]

I gave up work as it was stressing me out and I was getting sick. (Sepsis twice) as I was so run down.
We sat down with a financial adviser and it was decided that we were in a good financial position for me to retire.
Fast forward a year or so and my husband keeps making little digs about me getting a job.
Im 65 I have experience in caring but that's it. I have arthritis so wouldn't be able to go back to this line of work. I also have a few other medical conditions.
Today I said we needed something for the house and he said well get a job so you can pay for it then.
I gave him a stunned look and he left for work.
I know he works hard but I do absolutely everything in the house. Washing cooking cleaning gardening decorating etc etc.
I dont want to get a job if Im honest. I have a small income and pay for my own stuff like my phone car tax and insurance.
Ive paid for a LOT of stuff during our marriage but that get forgotten. Nearly every stick of furniture was bought by me.
I know Im dragging stuff up from year dot but Im just so angry and upset

Very harsh of him. Can you calmly raise all you've contributed to the house, past and present and that you made a joint decision?

Yes. I think so too. Think he just jealous to be honest . He thinks hes being funny but hes not and have told him so.

Sounds like a miserable retirement
id get some advice about divorcing him

Im not looking to divorce thanks

I agree with a PP - it does sound like a pretty miserable retirement.

When is he planning to retire?

He sounds resentful and like he wants to retire too, can he?

This.

It sounds like he’s unhappy with the way things are so it would be worth having a proper chat to find a way forward before this resentment really sets in.

Is he stressed because he is feeling a huge amount of pressure and would also like to retire?
Have you got any private pensions or investments? Could you work a few hours a week, do he could maybe go part time?

I would ask him if you went back to work what would he be doing: physically doing his share of the housework, cooking, gardening etc or paying for a weekly cleaner and gardener (and decorator when needed)?

Btw I think he's being very unkind and ungrateful.

Next time he says a passive aggressive snidey comment ask him when is he going to learn to use the washing machine.

He resents going to work as can't get pension for a few years but that not my fault.
We had words the other day about his attitude and things improved for a bit. Told him hes not my boss hes my husband.

Do you not need any money from him then I assume OP?

You need to speak about the joint decision that tea made.

Are you entitled to any UC if you are too ill to work?

Only for shared expenses.
He pays the bills
We spoke to a financial adviser re our outgoings etc . He would be paying for mortgage etc even if I wasn't there. I budget the utilities and food.
We not hard up so don't know where that comment came from.
It was over £50 item. Ive decided to buy it myself and save the hassle.

If you want him to continue being happy to pay the bills then it would be worth talking to him rather than digging your heels in here. He would be paying a mortgage if you weren’t there yes, but how would YOU pay all of those bills if he walked away?

Decisions can be made and minds can change, it may be that a compromise would be both of you working but just fewer hours for example.

He can't go part time but has considered job share

Well so he's supporting you in retirement. Yes he'd need to pay living expenses anyway if you weren't there but then so would you?

After reading this i feel sorry for him. You don't seem to like him very much.

What was the item? Ultimately it sounds like ot was you wanted and you could afford it. So why did you ask.him for the money in the first place?

Him making little digs is not helpful but is he worried that the plan a few years ago doesn’t stack up now?! Is there really nothing you can do that would bring in some additional income. I think you both need to sit down, he needs to stop the digs and be honest about what he wants and you need to think about if you really can’t earn a wage or just don’t want to go back to work. There will be a compromise that works for both of you, you just need to find it

so he’s taking pretty much the full financial load?

why can’t you get a part time job? Why should he work full time and you not work at all? It doesn’t seem very fair on him

It reads like you’re trying to hide exactly how much he pays for? Of course he’d pay a mortgage without you there but then you’d have increased costs without him. At first I thought he was being unfair but if you have only been able to retire on the basis he financially supports you and he is perhaps feeling the need to wind down too, then you need to get a part time job so you can both start to take it easy.

I know he works hard but I do absolutely everything in the house. Washing cooking cleaning gardening decorating etc etc.

I suppose you could offer to get a job but present him with a list of everything you've done in the last 7 days and say 'this is the sort of stuff that would have to be split. It's not like you do 100% and I do 0%. Or we'd have to pay someone to do it.'

Present options and talk about it like adults - both of you. Plan out the consequences of those various options and then between you settle on the one with the best/least worst outcome. But you both have to be open minded to get anywhere with this.

If you genuinely do everything in the house and he does nothing, then he's got himself into a kind of single minded thinking that 'he's the only one working' and unfairly harbouring resentment.

Was he on board at the time regarding you retiring? It sounds like he’s very resentful regarding your financial situation. Often things on paper look much more ‘comfortable’. Perhaps he misses the more carefree times?

Do you contribute at all to household bills, utility bills, food etc?

If I’m honest, if I wasn’t contributing to the household bills I’d either start from my income or pick up a part time job. Obviously with your health issues in mind.

Something is obviously bothering him. I don’t think I’d want my husband to take on the entire financial burden when I could still contribute.