To ask neighbour to close curtains

[Handrearedmagpie]

First of all, I know IABU. It's more a question of HOW unreasonable.
My young DS is autistic, non speaking and has a severe learning disability. Meltdowns are triggered by sudden changes like adverts on the TV. Neighbour diagonally across street from me has very large windows and an ENORMOUS TV. Never shuts her curtains/blinds so DS can watch her TV from our house and fixates on it when his own tablet is removed before bedtime.
Every. Single. Night. It's meltdown when adverts appear on her TV. Obviously I shut our own blinds but he knows her TV is there and just opens them again, or he will go upstairs and hyper focus on her TV from my bedroom window.
How horrendously unreasonable would I be to ask her to close her blinds for half an hour at night just to avoid this nightly hysteria??! I'm at my wits end with it.
YABU - absolutely unreasonable. It's your child's disability to manage.
YANBU - you can only ask and see what she says.

I’m sorry Op for there being some absolute bitches on this thread. Clearly have never experienced dealing with a disabled person and selfish that they would never help out a struggling parent. My god, it makes me worry about the world.
all you can do is ask Op, in a really polite way. If they say yes then problem hopefully solved. If not then there’s alternatives. Hope everything works out for you.

I'd definitely say yes if a neigbour asked this.

Only problem is that it might easily slip my mind but I'd certainly try to help.

I do think 8pm every night in the summer months long term is a big ask. I actually enjoy watching the world go by outside and my dog sits and looks out too. You can ask but I agree that you should look into external blinds in the first instance. I wouldn’t mind shutting my curtains for a week to help break the routine but long term that would be depressing.

I’m sorry for your difficult situation though. Can your son change bedrooms/you could lock the room you don’t want him to access maybe?

Sounds like my NDN's who have deliberately gotten louder when asked politely to be quiet when having friends over at weekends...they are selfish twats.

What goes around comes around.

I am sorry for OP and her child's situation. I have an autistic, child and while his needs are very different I do know what 4 hour meltdowns are like (and he has history of headbanging)

It is still not the neighbour's responsibility though and OP would do better looking for a solution like an external covering. Also it's coping with a symptom and behaviours often displace into other forms rather than resolving when they are challenged. I presume that with the meltdowns revolving around adverts, it's the change of continuity and pace that's the underlying challenge.

I could not promise to close my curtains at 8pm (they close at twighlight). I need daylight and it would affect my wellbeing to lose light in the few months of the year with longer evenings- I already struggle with SAD in the winter months. It's also a time of day when I'm busy either in the house or in and out. I have older children that forget to close the curtains, and it's not fair on them to be made responsible for triggering a neighbour's meltdowns because of their own ND executive function issues.

I am neighbourly. When my elderly neighbour went into hospital then care before her house was sold, I mowed her front lawn every few weeks to keep it tame. OK there was a mutual interest in keeping her home well kept and not suspiciously neglected, but it eased pressure on her family and her piece of mind. I help out with bins or trim a bit further along the hedge, but there's a big difference in extending intermittent jobs that I'm doing anyway to include a neighbour's benefit to being expected to manage my routines within my home to my (and my children's) detriment.

This 100%. We have used these - for different reasons than you - and they're great. You can even measure up so that the stickers cover only part of your window (the lower bit), obviously depending on your wishes and what type of window you have.

Honestly, this is the best and only solution.

Well yes, same here, but you are clearly a normal well-adjusted person who's happy in their own skin and equally happy with the concept of living in a community. OP I see no downsides to asking nicely - either they're nice and they help you out, they're nice but they can't help you out for reasons of their own, or they're a complete grumpy arsehole like a lot of people in this thread, in which case you're no worse off and you don't want to know them anyway.

I agree with this. It's not that I wouldnt want to help a neighbour out, but this is too much pressure on me in case one evening I forgot. I have a hard enough time juggling child care, running a business, looking after our dogs etc - there is so much stuff running through my head that I am likely to forget sometimes and then I would feel guilty.

I think a solution that is under your control OP would be far preferable and would cause less stress all round for everyone

Just to add, i didnt see the bit where it was for 1 week to break a routine, in that case yes I would help.
I know its difficult about blinds as well. At a centre where I used to work they had blinds that were inside the window. You opened and closed the blinds with a magnet so you physically couldn't touch the blind. I know this is an extreme option though.

I’d do it but I wouldn’t like doing it and id find it an odd request. I’d be worried I’d have to do it forever. I like have my curtains open. I’d also wonder if there was something you could do to make it not needed such as outside blinds on your house or putting a screen of bamboo in front of your windows?

Do you think that by framing your refusal like that it makes you sound less arseholian?

Set a recurring alarm on your phone, watch or Alexa and send One of the kids to close them. Not difficult. Unless you want it to be. We are all busy, just some of us are not arseholes about it.

Such a small thing to make such a big difference to two other people.

I would understand but it would be a no from me. I don't like having the curtains closed, I feel claustrophobic.

Could you change the bedroom he is in to a room round the back? If not, as pp have suggested some sort of sticky film for the window that would blur the images. I don't want to sound harsh but this is your problem, not theirs.

I would absolutely try to help out if i could, I say go and ask politely, ask, don't demand. Tell them about your struggles with your little one, most people are sympathetic and considerate and would try to help. That being said, if they say sorry can't do, don't take it personally is true that is their house and their tv and their blinds and they could do what they see fit in it. However, if you put a blind in your room your sonbwould headbutt yhe wondow, will this not be the case if the neieghbours close the blinds? Sorry you're going through that, but more sorry I am to see the people reactions and calling you entitled for trying to find a solution of givung you and your son some respite. Awful!

I think you need to try all the other suggestions before you ask this. The external shutters/blinds sound a good option as your son can’t tamper with them. A lot also depends on your relationship with your neighbour. We are really close with our neighbours and would do anything for them as they would for us. However in our old house, we would perhaps say hello in the street - I’m not sure I’d be so inclined if you’d not taken every possible step before asking me to shut my curtains - I close my curtains at the last possible moment each night as I feel cut off from outside with them closed

I think the OP has explained her DS would simply peel film off the windows. BUT the idea upthread of a layer of perspex over the top, screwed down, might work @Handrearedmagpie ?

Or, if space, can you get a tall plant in a pot to screen it off from the outside? It may reduce light coming in, but could be a temporary fix til broken the cycle?

8pm is late at night in what world?

I don’t think there’s a problem in explaining the situation to them so long as you don’t get annoyed if the say no.

I get this is a challenge for you, however I think this for you to find a solution to.

Looking at it from your neighbours point of view, if we are talking the middle of summer asking her to close her blinds at 8pm is unreasonable, there are enough dark and gloomy nights and I would not want to shut out the evening sunlight at 8 pm turning my room dark and gloomy and having to put my own lights on. Electricity is expensive enough without using it unnecessarily.

There are things you can do though, outside shutters, privacy film or even change the window to frosted glass.

Now I don't know your neighbour or what sort of relationship you have with her so by all means ask but be prepared for an unfavourable response, especially when she learns your son sits looking through her windows each night watching her tv. Even if she does agree to it what happens if you don't get him to sleep/settled within the half hour? How will she know when she is allowed to open her curtains? I hope you find a solution

Owning my YABU.
While I totally sympathise regarding your son, this isn't your neighbour's issue to solve. Close your own curtains or get some sort of blind which blocks it.

If a neighbour asked me to do this, I would say yes to be helpful as it won’t be long until it’s dark at 8pm anyway. However, I would be silently wondering why you don’t get window coverings for the outside of your house and I’d think it’s a shame I’m shutting out light which is much needed for me after a long day. I’d also be concerned whether I’m going to be asked to close my curtains at 8pm again come March next year. I’d also be worried that I’d forget or be busy in another room whilst the tv is on.

It sounds stressful though op, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

Did you not read this?

Because I know he would headbut the window so hard he risks seriously damaging himself. I put some window film stickers on the living room window at Xmas - never again

If your neighbour is sympathetic but really doesn’t want to shut out the light perhaps you could discuss changing the angle/position of tv so he can’t see it..a big ask i know. Perhaps ask her in to see for herself the effect it is having

I can see why there is such a an even split on this one. Personally, of a neighbor asked this I would do it. But people are also perfectly within their rights to say no.

I think I would ret something else first. Could you change your routine so you are not in that room at 8?

This is cearly difficult for OP and her child, but still not the neighbour's problem to solve.

I don't think that will work, as she says..

Because I know he would headbut the window so hard he risks seriously damaging himself. I put some window film stickers on the living room window at Xmas - never again