To not switch DSS’ bedroom?

[Vastimir]

I have SDs, 13 and 12, and SS 9. We also have DD3.

We have recently moved to a four bedroom house. Master bedroom with en suite, big attic conversion with curtain down the middle (SDs), medium-sized room (DD) and a box room (SS).

SC are with us every other weekend and half the holidays. On the vast majority of the holidays we actually go on holiday or to stay with family, so they’re only really at this house on weekends.

SS wants the bigger bedroom because he’s older than DD. DH wants to draw straws or discuss it as a family. AIBU to just say no?

How old is DD?

She’s 3, it’s in the OP.

If they were all your biological children, would you be dividing the rooms up in the same way? I highly doubt it. Even if they also stayed at a dad's house some of the time.

Of course DD should get the box room. How much space does she need at 3?

YANBU at all. A 9 year doesn’t dictate rooms, especially not one who stays 2 days a fortnight. As to drawing straws 🙄 What sort of doormat is your husband.

Ask DH why he doesn’t think your youngest who at 3 will spend their life playing with toys on the floor and only has one home shouldn’t have a decent sized room.

If she lives there full time then I think your current setup is fine.

Says in OP shes 3

I wouldn’t change anything.

If they were all my biological children, or we had them all full-time, maybe SS would get the room. But he probably sleeps in it 50 nights a year whereas DD is here many multiples of that.

Loads. She’s 3 and all her toys will be on the floor. Shes the only child there full time, she shouldn’t have the box room.

And at 3 she has bigger toys. SS likes Lego (he has a Lego table), TV and gaming (we have no screens in bedrooms rules).

yes I think in this situation the fact she uses the room significantly more makes a difference. Age isn’t the only factor for deciding rooms

Doh, I’m a dafty - apologies!

It's still their home.

Also, SS has a cabin bed with storage and space beneath. DD is too young to have that.

But it's not their only home.

Yes, which is why they all have bedrooms suited to their needs.

I think yabu to refuse any discussion when your DH disagrees. Why is it your decision and not a joint one? Is it your house or did you buy it together?

Course he wants the bigger room, but just no.

3yos have a shit load of clothes, books and toys, 13yos just don't. Especially one that's there less than half the time.

Our 16yo has been in the boxroom since the the dts needed bigger beds, she has a cabin bed, under bed desk, separate work desk, bookshelf, wardrobe and chest of drawers. It's about making the most of the space you do have.

I’m happy to discuss it with DH, of course, but I am not interested in discussing it as a family because it should be an adult decision. SS will cry and it’s not going to change my mind.

We bought together, equal deposits and pay half each.

It seems fair to me. He can have a high cabin bed and use the space underneath too. He’s hardly there anyway.

Then why have you asked the question if you are not going to change your mind? They are all his children, of course he wants to discuss it.

The thing is, when she's the age he is now, he'll only be 15, so presumably he will still be visiting every other weekend. He will always be older than her, so at what point would she get a look in? Will 9 year old DD have spent her entire childhood in the box room and be gearing up to spend her teens in the box room as well just because 9 year old DSS who was only there every other weekend thought he deserved the bigger room?

He's lucky to have his own bedroom at all in a house he spends so little time in. His older sisters don't. Giving him the bigger bedroom might also give all the siblings the impression that he's getting special treatment because he's a boy.

It doesn't make any sense to let two bigger bedrooms sit empty most of the time and squeeze the child who lives there full time into the smallest room.

YANBU I think the arrangement is fair.

Considering all of the children belong to DH and only one is yours I think it’s generous you are paying half on a 4 bed. Maybe call SS bluff and ask if he wants to swap with one of his older sisters and give them the opportunity of their own room.

Bigger room should always go to child who spends the most time there. So DD gets bigger room. Agree it’s an adult decision.