To not switch DSS’ bedroom?

[Vastimir]

I have SDs, 13 and 12, and SS 9. We also have DD3.

We have recently moved to a four bedroom house. Master bedroom with en suite, big attic conversion with curtain down the middle (SDs), medium-sized room (DD) and a box room (SS).

SC are with us every other weekend and half the holidays. On the vast majority of the holidays we actually go on holiday or to stay with family, so they’re only really at this house on weekends.

SS wants the bigger bedroom because he’s older than DD. DH wants to draw straws or discuss it as a family. AIBU to just say no?

I agree that DSS gets the box room. Potentially you could have a move around when the older DDs stop staying over?

It’s her only room and 3 years have lots/big toys which she needs space to play with. Also when she’s older girls tend to have more clothes etc and it would be more difficult to try to change rooms later. So If you swap DD will likely spend her childhood in the box room full time whilst 2 bigger rooms go unused the majority of the time.

DH is usually pretty good but he has a soft spot for SS, because he grew up with three older sisters, and SDs do pick on SS sometimes. But SS does play the victim for sympathy too and tends to feel sorry for himself a lot.

He’s really not going to be traumatised because he has the (decorated to his wishes) box room a couple of nights a fortnight.

My kids are 2 and 4 and they play in their room all the time.

Anyway, she won't always be 3, will she?

I think you should stick with the rooms as they are.
As you are paying for 50% of the house your husband has a cheek asking for more room for his son. This is an adult conversation and you get to decide.

I agree this should be based on need and your DD needs the space more, she has more things and is there full time making use of it.

Having the bigger room sat empty for the majority of the time is just daft. The kids were clear on what rooms they’d be having and are now decorated to suit. I wouldn’t be reallocating and redecorating because a child is now having a tantrum over a room they use two days out of every 14. Stick to your guns.

He's actually pretty lucky to get a room to himself when his older sisters always have to share! Why on earth does your DH want to "discuss it as a family" when it's got nothing to do with the older girls and your younger DD can't discuss it in any meaningful way aged 3?

Considering that his older sisters share that family discussion might end up very unexpectedly.
I wouldn’t go any family discussions it’s a question for adults. The current set up looks like fair allocation of rooms.

Ermm. I hope this doesn't come as too much of a shock but, err, she actually won't stay 3 forever.

Theres no way a child who only lives in that house should be bumped to a boxroom in favour of someone who's there an average of one night a week

You need to look to the future. If your stepson gets the bigger room now it'll be pretty much impossible to move him out of it when your daughter is older. She could be stuck in the boxroom until the others have left home

Youre the adults you get to decide. A child doesn't. Your husband needs to back you and your daughter on this

If they all lived there FT then DS might have a point but as they don’t, your plan is perfectly sensible. Children don’t always see the big picture so he probably hasn’t really thought it through, just jumped to thinking it’s not fair without realising why it most definitely is! I’m sure if DH explains to him that he has the smaller room because his things live across two houses whereas ‘poor DD only has one house’ DS will actually be fine with it. DH just wants him to be happy but he will be if it’s explained to him calmly. Maybe buy him something nice to make the room truly feel like his? He may also be feeling a bit pushed out at having a younger sibling and need a bit of acknowledgment.

He’s already had the room decorated as he wants it. I don’t think there’s any point pandering to it further.

Your DH is clearly being a wet nelly about this and I don’t think your happiness to play the bad cop here is warranted or helpful (though it is generous).

DSS is 9. He’s not a toddler. “She’s here all the time and, because she’s young, her toys are big and bulky” is a completely reasonable explanation which he is capable of understanding.
It’s important that children understand that age and size may be relevant sometimes but they’re not a permanent deciding factor and sometimes this will work in his favour and sometimes it won’t.
I agree with you that this a decision for the adults but I think it should then be presented as a united front.

Nope. Sensible for youngest to have bigger room for her toys. Friend has done exactly the same and they are all her bio children.
Plus decorated already - hell no

Maybe not right now. Children age.

My bedroom was my happy place as a little girl and I adored it.

It makes perfect sense for a child who lives in the home full time to have a bigger bedroom.

Your DD should have the bigger room. She’s there 100% of the time. Also, toys etc which take up room!

This is really hard.

A three yo will need more space, I think, as they have lots of toys. And she is there all the time.

I can see DSS’s gripe but he is only there a small amount of time, and being eldest doesn’t mean he necessarily gets the best. And it’s not like he ever had that room before or has been turfed out of anything he previously had.

It is hard. My two kids have the bigger rooms at their Dad’s house above their little siblings but they had those rooms before siblings were born. In fact my ex has the former marital home so you can see there would be sensitivity there. My eldest will leave for Uni soon and I guess they’re thinking it’ll be all change at that point.

You’re paying half the mortgage, which his 3 kids enjoy as their home, so your dd should get the bigger room.

Also, make sure you leave a will that your dd gets your half of the house.

All these people saying “but the little one is only 3, so it doesn’t matter if she has the box room” she won’t be 3 forever. Before long she will be older, living there full time and will notice there is a bigger room for one person who’s hardly ever there in comparison, while she’s squashed into a box room. I’m with you OP.

Just have the debate with DH. Ask him to explain why SS should get the larger room. SS has smaller things, because 9yo have smaller toys/games/activities than 3yo. SS is less there of the time. SS has fewer of his things there. The rooms are already set-up and decorated.

If he says "because SS is older" (which appears to be his only argument) ask him why that matters. There is no logical reason at all why an older child is always, always prioritised. It's utterly bizarre that older child = bigger bedroom. There is no logic to it.

So, your arguments are:

1. SS has smaller activities and needs less space
2. SS is there less of the time
3. SS has fewer of his things at this house
4. The rooms are already set up and decorated.

His arguments are:

1. Older children matter more.

Not only does he only have one argument - his only argument is illogical. When he's not actually able to articulate any genuine reason for SS to have the room, it's problem solved really.

I wouldn’t talk about DD being there more. I would just say: Your room has the cabin bed, she’s too small to sleep on that. We’re not moving things around now. What do you want for tea?

If it’s what was agreed when you decided to buy the house then it’s not up for discussion now. I would also suggest that if it was going by order of age then his 2 older sisters would get a room each and he’d share the big room with DD. You would be worried about DD trashing his stuff but it would be ‘fair’.

Don’t let DH make you or DD the bad guys here - it’s not a healthy dynamic.

At 3 she should get the smaller room but the tricky thing is when she gets to around 8 and needs a bigger room no one is gonna want to swap.
my ds had the box room until he was 8 when his eldest sister moved out.

Don't even think of pandering to him like this.

What's the situation in his mum's house?

It would be ridiculous to give your DD the box room when she’s there 100% of the time. I have a son who goes to his dads every other weekend (so 4 nights a month) and if they was in this situation I’d expect them to give my son the smaller room and their child (who’s there fulltime) the bigger room.

Of course he should not have the bigger room, how ridiculous.