To not switch DSS’ bedroom?

[Vastimir]

I have SDs, 13 and 12, and SS 9. We also have DD3.

We have recently moved to a four bedroom house. Master bedroom with en suite, big attic conversion with curtain down the middle (SDs), medium-sized room (DD) and a box room (SS).

SC are with us every other weekend and half the holidays. On the vast majority of the holidays we actually go on holiday or to stay with family, so they’re only really at this house on weekends.

SS wants the bigger bedroom because he’s older than DD. DH wants to draw straws or discuss it as a family. AIBU to just say no?

He has a TV and gaming but you have a no screens in bedrooms rule?

You’re absolutely right, OP.

All this “if they were your bio children…” and “it’s still their home…” is always dragged out. Yes they’re your children in a way, yes it is still their home, but the facts are that the 13 YO is there for a low proportion of time. To have the bigger room sitting empty while your 3 YO is in a box room, is mad.

Not to mention that she’ll grow, so will need more space in no time anyway. This’ll probably be at the same time as the 13 YO starts to pick and choose when they stay, might want to be with friends instead etc.

No the bedrooms are already done DSS . No discussion, no explanations. No further conversations. He'll get over it .
I have 2 DCs . The younger girl got the bigger room as she had more stuff . Dolls house , stuffed animals, dressing up clothes etc. My son wanted a bigger bed instead of stuff . His Lego , collections took up a lot less space .

A 9 year old boy , bio or step should not be allowed to dictate to or overrule the adults .

The children who are there full time always get more space than ones there part of the time. The only reason to break this rule would be if visiting child HAD to have more room to cope safely, like disability equipment or something!

Exactly what @MissScarletInTheBallroom said!

I dont think YABU but I would be more willing to discuss it.
-is it possible that any of the step children will want to come to you more often? Or even that any of them might want to come less?
-can the big attic room be officially split into two? So the sc can rotate around the then 3 rooms.
-what is it he doesn’t like about his room? what would he like in there that he can’t have? Can more space be allocated elsewhere in the house? To get some of the clothes or toys out of his room

Hot news. She won't always be three.

What is the set up at his mum’s? Does he have a big room to himself there? I might be tempted to convert his box room to your office (not a homework room) and give him the downstairs room. All homework will have to be done on the kitchen table or in own rooms (should be enough space). But I’d ask DH to do all physical moving and any redecoration and I wouldn’t lift a finger. TBH he’s got a bit of a cheek when his sisters share a room, albeit with a curtain.

Kid that’s there all the time gets first ‘dibs’ at everything. Massively unreasonable to even consider it - when it’s going to go empty most of the time. What is dh reasoning for even entertaining ss?

Maybe he feels guilty as he only sees him 2 days in a fortnight.

I’m a step mum and my DD has the biggest bedroom.. I pay 50/50 therefore I want my DD who lives there all the time to have a big bedroom … if that makes me the evil stepmum then pass the broom and the red apple as its a hill I am willing to die on. My DH tried it… shouldn’t the older ones get the bigger room and I said sure … if you are happy paying 70% of the mortgage as “I” have less space than I wanted…. Needless to say my DD has the bigger room

A 3 year old has more toys than a 9 year old does. Including more bulky ones. So I would say she needs more space than the 9 year old does.
The 3 year old also lives there full time it makes even more sense for her to have that extra space. She will use it more.

And if they were all her biological children, there would be no children from any first marriage for her husband to feel sorry for, so common sense would probably be used by him.

Maybe suggest to DH if you live DD to the smallest room you pay a significant proportion less of the mortgage as you are only effectively needing to supply 50% of the master and box.

OK, not really as you married a man with kids. But he’s really taking the kick and I agree with poster above who said his only real argument is the age thing.

Maybe DSS would be happy if he was offered a room with built in furniture too? Like his sisters. Albeit the box.

I agree with you. It's just logical.
Also what a slap in the face it would be for his sisters if he gets a big room to himself while they have to share.

even more reason for him to not get the best room yet again, then.

Agree with the majority, it's completely ridiculous to have the 2 biggest rooms empty most of the time.

You could maybe offer to store any of his excess stuff in your room/the downstairs room so he has as much space in the box room as possible, (e.g. if he likes gaming set his stuff up in there, if you're using it as a study a decent chair would be useful anyway) but other than that I think the current set up is the fairest.

No they already have the misfortune of having to move between two homes against their will and now OP is penalising the boy for something that isn’t his choice.

i read these threads and always think how shit blended families are for the existing children. I can see why a 9 year old child can’t rationalise why his youngest sister automatically gets the nicer room. Obviously far too late for his father to do the right thing and prioritise his existing children so I’d just keep it as it is OP but maybe have a proper conversation where you acknowledge you can see his point of view

Have you read the OP's updates? Do you realise that this child is the only member of the family who has never had to share a room?

Why should the OP's daughter automatically get the smaller room just because she's younger? How is that fair? She will always be younger.

This! And I certainly wouldn’t be entertaining any kid calling the shots on this.

The SDs in our house have the smallest rooms as they are here the least.

This.

No, I wouldn't even discuss it (with the dc). A firm no.

I'd discuss it with dh and be clear that this was a hard line for me and that I would not be willing to see the big bedroom sit empty for most of the time whilst dd was squashed in the small room.

If he wanted to be a cowardly prick about it, I'd float the idea of him getting his own place, where he could distribute the bedrooms between his four visiting children as he saw fit.

What are you wittering on about? OPs DD isn’t a figment of her imagination - she also exists!
She also didn’t “choose” for her older sibling to declare that a larger room should be empty and ready for him to use 50 nights per year while she is stuck with the box room as her one and only bedroom 365 nights per year.
Are the DSDs “penalised” as they are stuck sharing the large customised attic room? Why don’t we just tell OP to stick her child in the cupboard (as she doesn’t exist anyway) and then all the step kids can have their own room on OPs dollar. But which to “penalise” with the box as none of them actually live there anyway? 🤔
9 year old boys don’t have to be rational about these things thankfully, as the adults are there to be rational and allocate rooms according to need.

But she lives there all the time! Why should the bigger room sit empty most of the time. Doesn’t make a single jot of sense.

Kids mostly just care about fairness. Ss sees this as unfair. I'd be looking at measuring the area of his bedroom at his mum's and then adding the area of his bedroom at his dad's. If it comes out as bigger than dd's, he should be satisfied. His upset is because he's not comparing like with like.
If he's old enough, this is also a good maths lesson.

This.

Oh, hadn’t thought of it from that angle.