Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New Partner - Herpes - too many outbreaks?

61 replies

AlienSupaStar · 31/07/2025 18:15

Posting here for traffic. If it's inappropriate please report and I will get it moved.

Summary: I have met a man who I really, really like. He is attractive, kind, respectful, emotionally intelligent, intellectually curious, respectful of my co-parenting responsibilities and makes me happy.

He told me almost immediately that he has cold sores and has herpes outbreaks down below. I cant tell you how much I appreciated this honesty - we hadn't done anything at all yet at this point; not even a kiss - but he was so honest and clear and answered any questions I had etc. I have so much respect for how he handled it. I come from a culture where dishonesty by omission is quite standard when it comes to STI issues.

We have been seeing each other and it's great. I want to make it clear I have no issue with how he has handled it, or that he has it. He has fallen over himself to be communicative / keep me safe. We don't kiss when he has a cold sore obviously and we definitely have a very cautious approach to any other intimacy - he is fastidious about it.

He is respectful, considerate, communicative, careful and all this on top of the fact that I really like him.

My question is:

TLDR:
How often normally would you expect these outbreaks to occur?

Reason for asking is that he has had cold sores on his lips back to back for almost 3 weeks now. One went down and just when it was crusting over another one popped up.

Down below, it seems to take a really long time for them to heal and he absolutely shuts down any touching etc during these periods (rightly so, not complaining) but it just seems like these are a lot of outbreaks.

He doesn't eat well. He does a physical job and when he gets in he just eats anything. I have tried to add in more veg etc to our joint meals, more fruit, vitamins etc but I just feel like he is really run down. I am also not ready to sign up to doing all the cooking - we are just seeing each other at this point.

We haven't had a clear run of uninterrupted intimacy (from kisses to other things) for more than a week I don't think in 8 months. Is that normal?

I want to be sensitive; I in no way want to tell him how to manage his health but I wondered if this outbreak frequency is too high? It seems to be, to me, although I don't know much about it.

Any suggestions from anyone?

Other than trying to get him to look after himself more (diet, exercise) and trying to calm my fanny gallops, I'd really appreciate some ideas / lived experiences or anything. It just feels like it's very frequent.

TIA

Sorry it's long.

OP posts:
Lemons4171 · 31/07/2025 18:23

Get him to take a zinc supplement and keep taking it even if he has no active cold sores.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 31/07/2025 18:24

Does he take medication for it? There are meds that suppress outbreaks and most people will only get one a year or less. This sounds very extreme

OneNeatBlueOrca · 31/07/2025 18:26

How old are you OP? I know you've said you're ok about it but what if you do catch it? It's permanent. What about these long periods where you cant be intimate?

One life and all that.

RealEagle · 31/07/2025 18:33

He needs to get the tablets to prevent outbreaks

Fiery30 · 31/07/2025 18:54

Ask him to visit the sexual health clinic. He might be prescribed specific medication which acts as preventative.

FullOfMomsense · 31/07/2025 18:55

Stress, poor diet etc won't help He needs a good diet, vitamin intake and a healthy level of exercise to boost the immune system to prevent such frequent outbreaks.

BopItWinner · 31/07/2025 19:00

I know someone that did all the right things, good diet, low stress, lots of sleep lysine supplements etc and they still had a flare up every few weeks. Some people just seem to be unlucky. Having a flare up once or twice a year or less is more common.

itsobviousright · 31/07/2025 19:02

Does he have hsv-2 on his genitals, or hsv-1? Either way, this frequency of outbreaks and time its taking to heal is not normal, unless he is very newly infected. With this level of outbreaks, I'd not be pursuing a sexual relationship with him as he'll be infectious prior to an outbreak, and even wearing a condom doesnt fully prevent transmission

bluejelly · 31/07/2025 19:06

The GP can prescribe Zoviclar tablets which should help

bluejelly · 31/07/2025 19:10

Ah that’s tough. The GP can prescribe Zoviclar tablets which should help. Can you experiment with intimacy that doesn’t require close contact?

bluejelly · 31/07/2025 19:10

Ah that’s tough. The GP can prescribe Zoviclar tablets which should help. Can you experiment with intimacy that doesn’t require close contact?

bluejelly · 31/07/2025 19:10

The GP can prescribe Zoviclar tablets which should help. Can you experiment with intimacy that doesn’t require close contact?

bluejelly · 31/07/2025 19:10

The GP can prescribe Zoviclar tablets which should help. Can you experiment with intimacy that doesn’t require close contact?

bluejelly · 31/07/2025 19:10

The GP can prescribe Zoviclar tablets which should help. Can you experiment with intimacy that doesn’t require close contact?

HenDoNot · 31/07/2025 19:10

This is not normal.

He is disinterested in looking after himself properly and giving himself half a chance of curbing these flare-ups.

Only 8 months in and you’re trying to sneak more veg, fruit and vitamins into his food and coax him into doing some exercise? He hasn’t thought to seek any medical advice… Will you have to phone the doctors and make an appointment for him too?

Are you not finding this a huge turn off?

bluejelly · 31/07/2025 19:13

Ah that’s tough. The GP can prescribe Zoviclar tablets which should help. Can you experiment with intimacy that doesn’t require close contact?

ChrisMartinsKisskam · 31/07/2025 19:34

If he gets Zoviclar he can ask for them as an anti suppressant ones
so for long term
you take them as soon as you get an outbreak and then after that 2-3 time a week

if he can’t get it off his doctor for whatever reason
Superdrug / pharmacia and Dr Fox all do the long term suppression ones for around 40-50 for 3 months which will actually last longer depending on how often he has a outbtesk

also half a lysine tablet a day will keep them at bay
you can get these for a tenner at Holland and barret

Muffinmam · 31/07/2025 19:52

He needs to eat better and take a multivitamin as well as 500mg if lysine per day. If he still is getting outbreaks then he should be on antivirals and should see a doctor about his immune system.

There a things he should be doing and he’s not doing them. I worked with a girl who got cold sores and she told me about lysine. This was decades ago - so I don’t understand why your boyfriend is doing nothing to deal with the outbreaks. His immune system must be really run down.

Getitgirl · 31/07/2025 20:43

couldn't read and run.

I dated someone for six months who had genital herpes - something he disclosed after we were intimate a few times. Not ideal. However, he proactively took antivirals, and we would not be intimate during his outbreaks. I reckon he had about 3 outbreaks during the time we were dating, and during each of these, we didn't have any form of sexual intimacy. I understood that the sores were painful and seemed to appear when he was run down (after attending stag dos, nights out) etc. In that respect, he was responsible about keeping me safe.

I should also add that he was in his mid-thirties at the time, sporty, fit, and outgoing. Ultimately, whilst it wasn't his fault that he had herpes, it was disruptive to intimacy (as you're discovering with your bloke), and I know he held a great deal of complex emotions about the girl (a former long-term partner) who gave it to him. Again, that might not be an issue for your situation.

At the risk of being slammed by people with herpes, I would have second thoughts about dating someone with it again, especially if they were being cavalier about their diet and lifestyle.

8 months in you should still be having a lot of fun - sexual and otherwise - not worrying about his diet and how to get him to change his approach. If he isn't taking antivirals or proactively managing future outbreaks, I would personally rethink your relationship.

Bowup · 31/07/2025 20:55

I have herpes, and take antivirals to prevent transmission and reduce outbreaks after having a nasty bout of neuralgia after it.
If I didn’t have herpes I wouldn’t choose a partner with it tbh. It’s lifelong. I caught mine from a partner who had a full STI check but they do not test for herpes and they didn’t have outbreaks 🙈.
Hopefully in the future they will have a cure.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/07/2025 20:59

Could he have other conditions that affect his immunity? Has he been tested and you've seen the results?

bluejelly · 31/07/2025 21:04

(Sorry I posted so many times! Was on a train amd didn’t realise it had gone through…)

unambiguousbeard · 31/07/2025 21:16

I have hsv1, caught from previous bf five years ago. It started in my mouth as ulcers, have only ever had two genital outbreaks. I now get it inside my nose and as of recently on my nose. I take a preventative dose of acyclovir and daily lysine. Despite this I have an outbreak somewhere probably once a week. The sores last only about 24 hours but I get massive emotional dysregulation and or fatigue as a pro drome.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Kept me single for 4 years as the outbreaks were constant. Im now with someone who thinks he had an outbreak years ago so already has it and is robustly healthy.

So my point is your partner could do all the preventative things there are and still have constant sores. Like me.

Barnbrack · 31/07/2025 21:20

Has he been tested for HIV? poor immune system increases outbreaks so if not he should get tested.

Some people have really frequently recurring heroes out reaks and need to take aciclovir long term to keep it at bay

RainbowBrighte · 31/07/2025 21:21

It’s so unique, I don’t think there’s a norm.
I had a horrendous outbreak in my early 20s when I caught it, a few more over the next few years. I was scared not only I’d never be intimate but it would affect working abilities.
It’s now been over 20 years since my last outbreak.
Is it fairly recent he caught it? I have a few years of hell.