New Partner - Herpes - too many outbreaks?

[AlienSupaStar]

Posting here for traffic. If it's inappropriate please report and I will get it moved.

Summary: I have met a man who I really, really like. He is attractive, kind, respectful, emotionally intelligent, intellectually curious, respectful of my co-parenting responsibilities and makes me happy.

He told me almost immediately that he has cold sores and has herpes outbreaks down below. I cant tell you how much I appreciated this honesty - we hadn't done anything at all yet at this point; not even a kiss - but he was so honest and clear and answered any questions I had etc. I have so much respect for how he handled it. I come from a culture where dishonesty by omission is quite standard when it comes to STI issues.

We have been seeing each other and it's great. I want to make it clear I have no issue with how he has handled it, or that he has it. He has fallen over himself to be communicative / keep me safe. We don't kiss when he has a cold sore obviously and we definitely have a very cautious approach to any other intimacy - he is fastidious about it.

He is respectful, considerate, communicative, careful and all this on top of the fact that I really like him.

My question is:

TLDR:
How often normally would you expect these outbreaks to occur?

Reason for asking is that he has had cold sores on his lips back to back for almost 3 weeks now. One went down and just when it was crusting over another one popped up.

Down below, it seems to take a really long time for them to heal and he absolutely shuts down any touching etc during these periods (rightly so, not complaining) but it just seems like these are a lot of outbreaks.

He doesn't eat well. He does a physical job and when he gets in he just eats anything. I have tried to add in more veg etc to our joint meals, more fruit, vitamins etc but I just feel like he is really run down. I am also not ready to sign up to doing all the cooking - we are just seeing each other at this point.

We haven't had a clear run of uninterrupted intimacy (from kisses to other things) for more than a week I don't think in 8 months. Is that normal?

I want to be sensitive; I in no way want to tell him how to manage his health but I wondered if this outbreak frequency is too high? It seems to be, to me, although I don't know much about it.

Any suggestions from anyone?

Other than trying to get him to look after himself more (diet, exercise) and trying to calm my fanny gallops, I'd really appreciate some ideas / lived experiences or anything. It just feels like it's very frequent.

TIA

Sorry it's long.

Long term acyclovir makes no difference to me. I don't have hiv. But I do have a beautiful,array of auto immune disorders.

Zinc! Every single day. It works really well for me when I get cold sores on my lip. Ultra violet light can bring them on.

(Never ever genital)

If I stop taking it I might get a small outbreak but it’s usually mild & soon clears up.

Get it from the local pharmacy or Holland & Barret. Zovirax cream is also good and his GP can prescribe a systemic anti-viral. Ask about it.

This is tricky. I only have coldsores, if they can be described as that when they're mostly up your nose - they drifted there in my 20s, so it's now rare to get one on my lip. I can go a year without one, other times I have them back to back, several a month, every month, for months. Supplements and vitamins don't help me (though specific ones do help me with other issues like my crazy low folate, so it's not for lack of trying!), it's stress and immune related for me (no diagnosis yet, but many invasive tests ongoing - f knows what's wrong with me).

Its great that hes been honest and respectful, but if an active sex life is important to you, and if he's not being proactive with his health and seeking medical help with meds/tests, trying new things, I'm not sure I'd continue. You have children to support already, do you want to stretch yourself further for someone new? Maybe that's a way to raise it with him?

It sounds like he's a really lovely person, OP. :-) As others have said, if he isn't already on them, he could do with going on meds to help, plus make changes to his lifestyle. Heat and stress cause more frequent outbreaks in my best friend - he doesn't get cold sores on his mouth, but does have genital herpes. He wears very light, airy underwear to help prevent getting too hot. His first couple of years after infection were super hard on him with very frequent outbreaks, but they've lessened enormously over time.

My dh has ther herpes virus but only gets occasional cold sores on his face, not genitals. They tend to come more when he’s under stress and that’s when he takes anti viral tablets.

You need to work out if he's prepared to take care of himself and make a difference to his own health. Men are reluctant GP visitors. Have you asked how he contracted it ? Did he have a full range of checks for other conditions ? Even though he handled the conversation well he's not taken any action to reduce the outbreaks. I think this is starting to trigger you and after a year or two will irritate you as you won't get your needs met because he's not taking meds that might help. Is be questioning his approach not the herpes.

I get outbreaks ALL THE TIME!! I think I have an autoimmune issue, and I'll admit my diet is terrible but honestly, it often seems like once one bout has cleared, another comes up. Stress/illness are triggers for me. My drs are good and I can get suppressants on repeat prescription (aciclovir) but as I'm single I just ride them out. I'm sure if your partner talked to a dr they would understand and prescribe? Or you can buy it privately online. You can be on them long term, and I'd definitely do this if I was in a relationship as it would help lessen the risk of transmission. You're best to steer clear of this at all costs, I caught it from my partner (I knew he had it but his breakouts were so small and often went undetected) whilst pregnant and my first outbreak was absolutely horrendous, I was ill with it too for over 2 weeks and was so worried about the baby as well (baby was fine thankfully!). Its painful and draining and a big part of the reason I've been single 10 years (I'd find it so hard telling a new partner!) and the fact its lifelong is really depressing!

This sounds like me! Desperate for a diagnosis, too many symptoms to list and crazy low ferritin even though the Drs say I'm borderline I literally need a nap every day and can sleep for hours on end and still not feel refreshed. What supplements help? I'm trying to put together a plan of action and overhaul diet/exercise/supplements but don't know where to start!

Unpopular opinion?
I just couldnt stay in the relationship like this.

@Florencelatsy Just high dose folic acid to keep my brain going (lost my words with folate anaemia last year), magnesium, and then prescription meds, anti histamines and air filter machines! A huge amount of fluids to keep blood pressure up too. Lack of sleep is my biggest tie in with coldsore flare ups though (thanks kids...)

Does he drink alcohol and does he get enough sleep?

I caught herpes in my early 20s due to not using condoms during sex every time. I don't have the best diet and do struggle with anxiety. Despite this, I have only come out in sores twice. I'm now in my early thirties. I was completely honest with partner immediately and they never experienced sores down below over our 7 year relationship.

I think I’d rather find a man who I don’t feel the need to persuade or manage into taking care of his own health.

If he’s had herpes this long he is well aware of the medications, lifestyle changes etc, needed to stand a chance of trying to manage the condition. He’ll have been long ago aware of every bit of advice given on this thread - there’s nothing new or groundbreaking here.

Why do you think he has no motivation to try and help himself? Is it possible he has a really low/zero sex drive? Would you be ok with a virtually sexless relationship?

Condoms don’t always protect against herpes so you may have caught it even if you did use them.

Mine flare up in, sun, wind, cold, stress, illness, exhaustion. And I can get so many outbreaks (like your partner), when it gets extreme (it’s so depressing) I get aciclovir medicine which I order from Superdrug pharmacy which prevents them, (I only discovered I could do this last year) So last year I started taking it, as I had probably 10 in may-June then I took it for 6 months and I didn’t have any until may this year so I am
taking it again now!! Maybe you could have a look and suggest it x

I do have to agree. If he’s not taking care of himself now then he’s likely to have pretty poor health long term. Are you ok taking responsibility for his health long term, especially when he’s not doing anything to help himself?

@SteakBakesAndHotTakes @RealEagle @Fiery30

he said that he previously took medication for it but it didn't seem to help. I have suggested that he re-visits the GP or sexual health clinic as his past experience may not be reflective about what is currently available. Thank you for the reply and suggestion.

Thank you for all the replies and suggestions - I really appreciate it. Sorry it took me a while to come back - we had a chat yesterday again and I feel better able to respond to everyone. I love Mumsnet!

Hi @OneNeatBlueOrca I am 44. This is first relationship after a divorce so yes I do question if I am sort of putting up with something I would normally run from because of other issues.

The long periods of no intimacy are hard - absolutely can't lie about that. Zero spontaneity as well which is difficult. However, when it does happen it is INFINITELY better than the past 22 years of my married life and in all other aspects he is everything I have ever wished for.

It's tough.

@HenDoNot @Blessedbethefruitz

I hear what you are saying. Thanks for saying it to remind me. I have 2 kids of my own - I don't need to be managing someone else's health. To answer @HenDoNot I really am not comfortable taking responsibility for managing someone else's health long term. Hence the confusion/frustration. I am not doing "health-related wife work" stuff for someone ever again unless I actually want to.

To answer your question, he does have a high sex drive so it's not that or him using it as an avoidant tactic. It's actually incredibly frustrating. I am not suggesting I am some crazy irresistible sex pot or anything but there is absolutely, definitely, the most amazing chemistry and we do want to DTD more (all the time in my case!) but it's constantly interrupted. Basically his sex drive is evident but there are so many interruptions. It's frustrating.

@FioFioSILK - you are so right. Thanks for your reply.

@Lafufufu I hear you. But I really like him. Like - really like him.

@BunnyRuddington no, his lifestyle could definitely be improved. He drinks too much (in my opinion) and sleeps too little (again, in my opinion). Oh gosh, this is sounding awful now.

@CountryMumof4 I am so glad to hear that your friend managed to find a way to manage it. I hope he remains well.

It's such a shame.

I also don't want to judge - I don't think anyone actively asks for this kind of diagnosis.

I should probably declare under the safety of a name change that I do have a perhaps over sensitive/higher level of over empathy which might be clouding things.

My dad infected my mum with HIV after f*cking around relentlessly for years and I remember her absolute trauma at finding out she had this disease through no fault of her own and the stigma and the judgement and the paranoia that followed to the point that she became borderline OCD about not infecting other people etc. When my mum used to come and stay with me she would never use my towels, she would hand wash incessantly, used a different bathroom etc. It was heart-breaking to watch because HIV is not transmitted like that but she treated herself like a leper.

I guess he reminds me of this?

I know Herpes is different and much more contagious but I see the same fear and self loathing in him and I really hate it for him.

We have discussed his sexual history and he is not promiscuous, low body count, faithful in his prior marriage. Just terribly unfortunate. He is absolutely devastated by it, he doesn't know where he got it from and he is so stressed all the time.

I might be mentally conflating issues, but I just would hate to be like the people who judged my mum for something that she never chose.

I think I am perhaps over empathic whereas I just need to be more practical. I think I will ask him to:

1. See a GP - discuss and sort out meds
2. Take better care of himself, by himself
3. I will suggest / ask him to go for wider testing based on what people have said about auto immune diseases etc. I really appreciate those suggestions.

I will not say any of these things as an ultimatum I will just say that looking after health and making good lifestyle choices is really important to me.

I will remind myself that I don't owe anyone a compromised sex life out of compassion even though I would do anything to make this work because he is amazing.

Thank you so much for all your replies and input.

You sound lovely OP but you are parenting a man you have just met.

Its a mistake.

At his outbreak frequency, you are at risk of infection at all times, active outbreak or not

@Batherssss @itsobviousright (most relevant user name for this thread).
Thank you for your comments.

FML.

Oh well. It is what it is.

FML. Such a shame.

That’s so many outbreaks, I take suppressive medication and haven’t had an outbreak in 5 years now. I should probably think about coming off it but it’s just part of my routine now.