AIBU with my expectations of life with a toddler?

[Floundering66]

Help! I need to know if my expectations of life with a toddler are wildly out of touch or if my toddler is being especially difficult/ I’m going wrong somewhere with my parenting!

I’ll start by saying I KNOW toddlers are difficult & demanding and prone to throwing tantrums but … is everyone else out there struggling as much as me?

My little boy (19 months) is lovely and I find being out and about with him relatively easy but a switch seems to flip as soon as we enter the house. I typically pick him up from nursery around 5pm, we get home and play for a bit and then I’ll start to cook dinner (this is always something easy) and then the drama starts. He will have huge meltdown if I don’t do exactly what he wants, when he wants. So last night he wanted me to chase him round the house, I stopped briefly to turn the oven on - he wasn’t having any of it. When dinner is ready, we sit at the table to eat - he has one bite then wants to get out of his chair. I encourage him to eat, he doesn’t want it, I get him out - huge tantrum and wants to get back in the chair. Cycle continues for a few minutes, I get him out and try and get him to play with toys. As soon as I start eating he throws a massive tantrum again. This sort of behaviour is all day - I can’t eat, have a cuppa, brush my teeth etc without whinging, tears or tantrums. I used to be able to get him to “help” me - e.g ask him to get my shoes/ pack the bag while I got ready but he doesn’t find that fun anymore. So how is everyone else managing? He sleeps 8.30-6, I don’t really want to wait until he’s in bed to eat my dinner!

It is likely that he is really tired and this is how it is manifesting itself. Could you try and give him his tea a bit earlier then start bedtime a bit earlier?

Can I be blunt?

Ignore him. Doesn’t want to eat - fine, don’t, but mummy is eating, you can amuse yourself over there where I can see you. Throws a tantrum if you sit and have a coffee - let him, I am having a seat and a cup of coffee and will play with you when I am done. Ignore the whining and tantrums. He is doing this because you listen when he does. I have a 6 year old DS and was the exact same, I pandered for too long and realised when he was about 4 that he just could not and would not entertain himself, and he was bossy because he moaned then got his own way! And I had no one to blame but myself! We switched things up a bit and now it’s much better and he will easily go and amuse himself but don’t make the same mistake I did!

I don’t think it’s that, he’s like it all day & at the weekends too! He wakes up miserable, I have to walk around the house with him for around 30 minutes until he calms down. I can’t do tea any earlier on nursery days as I’m at work. He used to go to bed at 8 but was waking at 5 so we pushed it back by 30 minutes.

Thanks - he’s soooo bossy already! Doesn’t entertain himself, just points at toys and expects me to move them where he wants them. I imagined a toddler would have a tantrum about being in a high chair but would happily get out and play with toys - but it’s not even this.

Agree with pp. The more you pander and act as his servant the worse and more entitled he will become. Either keep him in his high chair or get him down once and then eat your dinner. Don't keep putting him up and down. If he wants a toy don't fetch it for him. Don't react to his tantrums. He has learned they get him what he wants. Tell him nicely to go and get what he is pointing at. How is he at nursery, do they give you feedback? Maybe they have some pointers on managing his behaviour.

No issues like this at nursery (so I’m told) - he eats all his food, goes to sleep independently on a little mat, plays nicely - had a couple of emotional days but rare. Like I said, I don’t struggle with if I’m out, he’s great fun at soft play/ play groups etc.

Does he nap during the day? He isn't sleeping a huge amount overnight so I wouldn't rule out tiredness.

I agree with pp that being comforting but holding your boundaries is really important. For example, with dinner, if he wants to get down that's fine, but then sit and eat your dinner and let him stop as much as he wants. Just keep repeating that it's dinner time now.

After nursery I would try and do dinner much earlier, is he not hungry way before 6pm?

How are his naps? He sounds tired to me.

Sleeps 1.5 hours in the day, so 11 hours in 24 - when I’ve looked into it 11-14 hours falls into the normal and healthy range for his age group. Also I’m not waking him, and when he does wake up he just won’t go back to sleep!

He has tea at nursery at 3pm and a snack at 4.30pm. I’m on my own with him until 6.30 and really struggle to get dinner out any earlier than 6 with his behaviour 😣

Just to add we’re very similar!

Shes an angel when we’re out and about, at nursery, with grandparents.

But evenings at home are TRYING. Constant crying over everything.

Her current thing is yelling ‘mummy up’ and grabbing me if I dare to sit down. She also wakes up grumpy.

I think she may have some molars coming through, but really hoping it’s just a phase, you’re not alone!

He doesn't need a cooked dinner after a day at nursery - he could just have a picky tea or a sandwich. Does he like the TV? I'd give him a couple of episodes of something and a plate of something really easy to make!

I know you don't want to eat late but I'd rather prep and eat in the quiet after a busy day than with a screaming toddler. I also think he's tired, if you try to move bedtime earlier bit by bit you might see an improvement. Like everything's, it's just a phase and its not forever!

I wouldn’t bother giving him a proper dinner if he’s already had tea and a snack at nursery. He can just have a piece of fruit or a yoghurt while you eat your dinner.

agree with others to ignore him. I also pandered to my first and created a mini dictator! We had to stage an intervention when he was 3 as he had become unbearable. They need to learn to entertain themselves and also learn that we are not their servants!

It's normal range, but right at the bottom end and if he's waking up miserable it does suggest he's not ready to wake-up yet. Is there anything you can think of that could be waking him prematurely? Maybe someone else getting up (even a neighbour), a cat/dog moving around, any household noise etc?

With the after nursery problem, I would try cutting the 4:30pm snack and having his dinner ready asap when you get home (batch cook or he can have whatever you had the night before heated up). Feed him as close to 5pm as humanly possible and see how that goes. This behaviour has all the hallmarks of being an overtired, hungry, overstimulated child. It's worth a try at least.

Just wanted to add - he does have quite low sleep needs! Tried a 7.30pm bed time the other night and he was awake from 1am-4am and it completely threw the next day out. I don’t wake him up, he wakes up himself - but is still miserable 😂

19 months is a difficult age. I found it really exhausting with my first two DC (youngest is 14 months so I’ll be there again soon!). They are very physical and want everything RIGHT NOW but they aren’t verbal, which manifests in tantrums and screaming.

I agree with PP - stop pandering to every fussy moment. Let him cry and fuss for a few minutes, it won’t kill him. Otherwise you’ll end up rushing about like a headless chicken, trying to appease him every 5 seconds.

Regarding dinner, I always found this to be a really hard moment after a day of work and nursery. Having a bunch of easy-to-reach toys or Tupperware and him/her playing at my feet while I cooked always seemed to work. We’d listen to the Thomas the Tank Engine podcast, which they both found calming. I always made sure to sit with them to eat at the table, which helped with staying in the high chair and finishing their food. Even if DH wasn’t home yet, I’d eat a snack with them and sit with them the whole time.

I promise it gets better OP! I really think this is such a difficult age.

Thank you, I honestly can’t think of anything waking him up - pitch black room, first one awake in the house, white noise, good temperature. I tried an earlier bedtime and had a split night so I’m so reluctant to mess with the current routine.

Will give an earlier dinner a try - we have always eaten together at this time but maybe it’s time for a change!

Nice to know I’m not alone! Thank you xx

I also agree with PP about having meal-prepped dinner ready to microwave. I still do this, and it saves me so much stress (and money!). We get home at 4:30pm and dinner is on the table by 5pm.
It only takes a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon to get it organised for the working week.

However, we do eat very boring food during the week, some variation of chicken/rice/broccoli or a pasta bolognaise. Pizza night on Fridays, and I save my fancy cooking for the weekend when DH is around.

I do think people worry about over tiredness a bit much - it’s a sleep training term and actually very rare in children, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that! If he was chronically overtired you’d know (speaking from someone with a fellow low sleep needs child - some of my friends that age are doing that overnight with a 30min nap!)

Does sound like normal toddler behaviour unfortunately :( I think firm and loving boundaries eg we are going to stop playing in 5 and I’m going to cook tea while you do xyz. Fine to validate the feeling (eg sing to your child while you cook, reassure them with how long it will be) but a bit of whinging might be expected. Perhaps some visual things (a timer etc) might help slowly build up patience?

I know it’s not fashionable, but my magic word was “no”. No discussion and no pandering to whinging or crying. At times you have to stand your ground. And mean it. Of course they don’t like it but otherwise dc rule the roost. Don’t keep being told what to do - you are the adult.

I used to have pre prepared meals for tea if I could. I did them as a batch for the freezer so just needed a quick whizz in the microwave. I also heated up dinner me and dh had the night before too. If suitable. At least the veg and then quick fish fingers or potato with cheese etc. If he has a cooked lunch at nursery you can swerve cooked every night too.

He is waking up quite early so maybe a snack before bed? I did have dc going to bed late because we wanted to avoid early mornings or disturbed nights.

8:30 is a late bedtime for a 19 month old, especially after a long day at nursery. Poor chap is probably just seriously tired.

Oh and @Floundering66 bedtime is also about 8:30pm here.

She’s in her cot from about 7:45pm, but just will not sleep before about half 8.

So completely feel you on the low sleep needs front!

If he goes to bed at 8, he wakes up at 5.30. Have tried a 7.30 bed time and he was awake from 1am-4am. He used to sleep 8-7 but the last two months it’s got later in the evening and earlier in the morning.

19 months is the absolute pits IMO. Definitely the hardest stage with both of mine. It does get easier, OP.

Maybe he needs a longer nap if he can’t sleep longer at night - is he getting decent naps at nursery?

He does sound overtired honestly.

Tiredness bizarrely makes it harder for toddlers to sleep - when my eldest was about that age we happened to do a weekend trip with a really long drive - he slept the whole way and then the next week even though he was sleeping like normal his behaviour was so so much better, like he’d caught up on some of his sleep deficit.