AIBU with my expectations of life with a toddler?

[Floundering66]

Help! I need to know if my expectations of life with a toddler are wildly out of touch or if my toddler is being especially difficult/ I’m going wrong somewhere with my parenting!

I’ll start by saying I KNOW toddlers are difficult & demanding and prone to throwing tantrums but … is everyone else out there struggling as much as me?

My little boy (19 months) is lovely and I find being out and about with him relatively easy but a switch seems to flip as soon as we enter the house. I typically pick him up from nursery around 5pm, we get home and play for a bit and then I’ll start to cook dinner (this is always something easy) and then the drama starts. He will have huge meltdown if I don’t do exactly what he wants, when he wants. So last night he wanted me to chase him round the house, I stopped briefly to turn the oven on - he wasn’t having any of it. When dinner is ready, we sit at the table to eat - he has one bite then wants to get out of his chair. I encourage him to eat, he doesn’t want it, I get him out - huge tantrum and wants to get back in the chair. Cycle continues for a few minutes, I get him out and try and get him to play with toys. As soon as I start eating he throws a massive tantrum again. This sort of behaviour is all day - I can’t eat, have a cuppa, brush my teeth etc without whinging, tears or tantrums. I used to be able to get him to “help” me - e.g ask him to get my shoes/ pack the bag while I got ready but he doesn’t find that fun anymore. So how is everyone else managing? He sleeps 8.30-6, I don’t really want to wait until he’s in bed to eat my dinner!

Tough stage, too young to explain but old enough for demands! Despite all the terrible talk 2 was much easier for me.

I'd take down the expectation of his proper meal if he's eaten at nursery, offer a carpet snack and ignore any kicking off while you feed yourself.

I had to read the book Toddler Taming by Christopher Green, as each of my 3 reached that stage. Essentially though, it says that you need to remember that your child wants attention, and if they get more attention by being difficult, they'll do that. It doesn't mean sorting out endless positive tasks with them, but do give positive attention when you can and absolutely never give in to the whining behaviour. Be very boring when they're wanting attention for difficult behaviour, and don't give in to what they want to make your life easier for 10 mins....it backfires hugely.

He sleeps 1.5 hours at nursery - will sleep the same at home (maybe an extra 15 minutes). Will sleep less in the pram (around 15 minutes less). I don’t wake him up in any of these scenarios.

If he’s waking miserable and behaving like that of an evening then he’s almost certainly overtired and not getting enough sleep. If he was genuinely low sleep needs then he wouldn’t be so grouchy and would wake happy. I know easier said than done to persuade him to sleep more though! How long have you actually stuck with an early bedtime though, since he was in his current napping routine? It usually takes 2-3 weeks to see any improvement. But failing that do quicker dinners, get comfortable with the word no and hope it’s a phase that passes quickly.

Thanks to everyone replying - lots of advise that he needs more sleep, but I don’t know how to make him sleep more? I don’t wake him up - earlier bed time either causes split nights or earlier wakes so no sleep gained! 😩

Mine are long past this but we used to start bedtime routine at 6 ish, asleep by 7.
They went to bed at 7pm for years and years, even at primary school. Children really do need a lot of sleep.
I would get in from nursery, quick food, little play, bath, maybe quiet tv, story, milk,bed.

Mine were always whiney at home, we used to go out every day, only thing that makes the day bearable when they are small.

I think I had a breakdown at the 18 month mark with my DS. What you have described is, imo, normal - sorry, not what you want to hear I guess?

Consider ditching the baby chair and getting a toddler table. I found that was easier and caused less stress with DS as he could get on and off of the chair and eat and didn’t whine in the high chair. If he ate, great. If he only wanted a few bites, also great. I offered food - not much I could do.

Try to ignore the tantrums or make them into a game. Doesn’t want to put shoes on? Do who can put shoe on the fastest or turn it into something funny like these shoes don’t fit mummy! Do they fit bear, no. Do they fit mr monkey, no. Do they fit you! Yes, let’s put them on

What would happen if you tried a 7:30 bed time? Would DS just fall asleep or would he cry

I found the opposite with my two who were also energetic. Especially when they were going through growth spurts, they needed more to eat not less, otherwise they would wake up hungry, so we had little snacks like mashed banana or broccoli mash before bed.

Mine was a bit like that on nursery days. Tired and overstimulated etc. At that age we went for a stupidly early bedtime at around 6pm and that worked. It was literally, pick kid up from nursery, come home, have a snack, maybe a bath, a story and bed. I remember reading that the more they sleep the more they sleep and it worked for us. Obviously everyone is different though so it might not work for you.

It is a hard age. I remember mine turning into a little devil at 18 months and the tantrums were no joke. I just ignored them because everything I did made them worse. It is difficult and I hope it gets easier for you soon OP.

My survival tips (because it is surviving at that age some days!)

I do a lot of meal prepping so I need to do the absolute minimum for teas during the week. Sometimes ds will have a sandwich or even bowl of cereal if he is really absolutely exhausted after nursery and I get him to help me make it. He's had a decent meal when he was there and eats really good food majority of the time so if its a bad night then ill take the pressure off myself.

I would also keep oranges or other snacks in my car so he can eat something as soon as he finishes nursery while we're on the way home.

Sometimes I put dinner on and stick him straight in the bath/shower while it cooks to condense the evening routine if he's really tired.

I try to say yes as much as I can but it's not my job to fix everything/ give in to everything. So if there's a meltdown then I'll wait and say yes I know that's disappointing, are you feeling xyz and offer a hug when he's ready. Usually that actually heads things off pretty quickly and we can get on with the evening.

I tell him to pick two toys he can bring into the kitchen and play with while I cook. He likes this as he has control over what toys to pick.

We have a learning tower and sometimes if I'm waiting on dinner cooking we will make something super easy like wheaten bread while it's cooking so he doesn't have time to think about how hungry he is.

I've a friend who's got a glow clock that changes colour depending on the time so her son knows if it's not the right colour it's still time to sleep. If ds wakes early I just bring him in with me and try to get him back over. I found ds sleep went haywire at that age and actually it got better when he dropped his nap during the day and then he was ready for the earlier bedtime.

Honestly, we're all flying by the seat of our pants I think. You keeping yourself calm is the key. You're doing great!

Mine went to bed at 8.30. Not all dc are sleepy heads. Even with after school clubs and dance it was 8.30! He’s sleeping at nursery and then again? Or do you mean home is at weekends? He might just be a whinger and he’ll grow out of it. I’d never go back to early to bed and waking up in the middle of the night! You at least have a a decent night’s sleep! Value that.

It’s interesting that he wakes up like this on weekends too.

Op the AI answer is as follows:

At 19 months, toddlers are experiencing significant behavioral changes as they develop a sense of self and independence, often leading to increased emotional expression, including frustration and tantrums. They are also becoming more verbal, but may still struggle with communication, leading to frustration. Additionally, they are developing fine motor skills and a desire to do things independently, such as feeding themselves or getting dressed.

(It went on to outline all of the changes in more detail in many areas of development.)

So it could just be his age and things will improve the more autonomous he can be?

If he is able physically, don’t hold him back with high chairs and cots but allow him to progress on to toddler beds and child-sized tables and chairs. Give as much autonomy and choice as possible within a set structure. It’s easy for us to get stuck in old “baby-ish” patterns and routines.

Ignore the bad and praise the good and try and be less reactive; stick to your routines and keep on top of your schedule and talk about what is happening next. If he looks continually frustrated, it might be time to give him things to do - within reason - that are slightly above his capability to hold his interest but not so far ahead that it ends in a meltdown, some toddlers are much more capable than you imagine.

And sole toddlers are just better outside in the fresh air and need to run around and find nursery overwhelming and confining. A sturdy energetic child of a friend of ours is now playing professional rugby as an adult 😆😃. It was hard to keep him contained in the house even as a two year old! 😃. He couldn’t sit still for meals and was always on the go and now that is his super power.

I would cut down the nap for more overnight sleep which might help with the behaviour. My DD was napping less than an hour at that age and not at all after she turned 2.

@TheAlaskanTrail68 put him outside then? When he’s whinging?

Eh? I didn’t mean literally!

Just that his parents had to focus on him being outside and getting as much exercise outdoors as humanly possible so he could expend as much energy as possible.

We did trial this but he was super miserable after the nap - maybe I’ll give it another go!

He’s always had an 8pm bedtime (well since 7 months) - he dropped to one nap at 13 months and was happily sleeping 8-7 with and 2 hour nap. 14 months he started waking up at 5 so we knocked the nap down to 1.5 hours and had a few more months of 8-7 again. Went back to 5am wakes so we pushed bed back to 8.30 as he was miserable on an hour nap and now he wakes at 6/6.15.

Thank you! I’d be happy for him to go to bed earlier and have more of an evening but he sleeps through the night and like I’ve said, I don’t wake him up at 6. He just has the one nap, when I say at home I mean the weekends 😊

21 month toddler here. Sounds very similar. Bedtime routine starts at 7.30 ish and he gers to sleep at 8.30.
Definitely went through a phase in evenings when he wanted full attention meaning I couldn't cook or wash up, which was very challenging. Getting slightly better now. He gets back from nursery and just wants to go for a walk outside. Luckily DP can take him out while I do dinner and this seems to work. But can totally relate.

I tried a 8pm bedtime last night and he woke up at 5.15 😫

Honestly I would try the shorter nap for at least a week. He will take time to adjust. It might not help with the behaviour but should at least give you a longer night which will mean the days don't feel quite so long!

You’re his “safe space” so he lets it all out. As nursery he has to follow rules. My kids are the same - they go to grandparents and come home wild. When mil drops them off she always gives me the “CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN” look and constantly comments on how nicely they behave for her. I just smile and nod because I know it’s just that short space of unwinding then they’ll go back by to normal.

When they were toddlers the effect was hugely exaggerated due to all the developmental leaps, and yes being overstimulated or busy at childcare in the week could lead to awful meltdowns at thw weekends .

Ride it out calmly, it will pass

I’d give it longer to adjust to a new routine. He’s not sleeping much so I think an earlier bedtime for the next week should help. Mine are 3 and 2 and both go to bed at 6.30 and occasionally still nap in the day. Some kids are early risers from 5am unfortunately. If I push my kids to stay up until 9pm they will sleep in until 6-6.30 but be miserable for the following couple of days because it’s not enough sleep for them. Don’t let your desire for a later wake up time stop you from putting him to bed at an earlier time for his age, they will adjust as they get older and you can then teach them to stay in their rooms until a reasonable time in the morning!

Definitely get tea ready as soon as he gets home at 5 and straight into the bedtime routine. Good luck 🤞🙂

He's just trying to get your attention and spend time with you and this is the only way he knows how. That's a long time to be in nursery and the thought of him sleeping there on a mat on the floor is heartbreaking.
Mine have never slept much and were all well out of any type of daytime naps by 18 months and weren't in bed until around 10 and up again at 7.
He wants his mum, plain and simple.