AIBU with my expectations of life with a toddler?

[Floundering66]

Help! I need to know if my expectations of life with a toddler are wildly out of touch or if my toddler is being especially difficult/ I’m going wrong somewhere with my parenting!

I’ll start by saying I KNOW toddlers are difficult & demanding and prone to throwing tantrums but … is everyone else out there struggling as much as me?

My little boy (19 months) is lovely and I find being out and about with him relatively easy but a switch seems to flip as soon as we enter the house. I typically pick him up from nursery around 5pm, we get home and play for a bit and then I’ll start to cook dinner (this is always something easy) and then the drama starts. He will have huge meltdown if I don’t do exactly what he wants, when he wants. So last night he wanted me to chase him round the house, I stopped briefly to turn the oven on - he wasn’t having any of it. When dinner is ready, we sit at the table to eat - he has one bite then wants to get out of his chair. I encourage him to eat, he doesn’t want it, I get him out - huge tantrum and wants to get back in the chair. Cycle continues for a few minutes, I get him out and try and get him to play with toys. As soon as I start eating he throws a massive tantrum again. This sort of behaviour is all day - I can’t eat, have a cuppa, brush my teeth etc without whinging, tears or tantrums. I used to be able to get him to “help” me - e.g ask him to get my shoes/ pack the bag while I got ready but he doesn’t find that fun anymore. So how is everyone else managing? He sleeps 8.30-6, I don’t really want to wait until he’s in bed to eat my dinner!

My older child was like this as a toddler, he's now almost 5. It was challenging to be at home with him for all the reasons you mentioned, much easier going out somewhere where I wasn't the sole source of entertainment! I realised what he actually needed was for me to be really firm about what I was and wasn't prepared to do, not ignore his tantrums but sympathise with his disappointment but still stay firm. He was getting anxious because he could sense me getting annoyed/frustrated but going along with some of the demands and then feeling resentful. He's now a lot better, very sensitive to changes in other people's mood still but much more able to entertain himself and accepting of our limits. Hang in there, it's a tough age!

Edited to add that my younger child is now going through the same "bossy" phase but it's far less pronounced, and he's generally not as sensitive as his older brother, so I think it's mainly a question of temperament.

Why is sleeping on a mat heartbreaking? Stop guilt tripping.

My LO also uses a mat at nursery and she likes it! She’s always pretending do it it home with her doll with a little blanket

Try jacket potatoes and beans, with the tatties in the oven on a timer to be ready for 15 mins before you get home.

Im sure we had a phase like that and she was tired and hungry after a day at nursery. Food on plate within 5 minutes of walking through the door made a big difference. And zero sugar (natural or added) with evening meal, as even stuff like fruit yoghurts we’re making a big difference to behaviour and bed). Nursery ‘snacks’ are so healthy there's no calories to keep them
going .

If he seems ready for sleep earlier in the evening and is waking up grumpy rather than refreshed then - if you can face it - I would be inclined to give the earlier bedtime a good go for a couple of weeks and see if there's any change after that. I am another one who thinks he sounds tired, and that is not a lot of sleep for a 19 month old. Sometimes they just need a while to adjust to a new sleep schedule. I would try a gro clock in the morning (there are lots of little tricks you can use like making sure the sun is up on it the first morning whatever time they wake so they have "success" staying asleep until they wake and then gradually turning it later a few minutes at a time) to see if you can gradually encourage him to extend his wake up time. I agree with others who said that if he was truly low sleep needs then he be likely to wake up more cheerful. You said "we" - do you have a DH who can share the load, e.g. by doing the early mornings if you are doing the evenings?

How much is he in nursery across the week? If he's in full time Monday-Friday then I would try to get absolutely as much as possible of the chores and practical stuff done outside the times when you will be with him (e.g. by batch cooking once a week if necessary even though it is tedious, or healthy convenience foods if money and availability allows) and keep weekends very low key so everyone can rest and recharge. Again, if you have a DH then make sure he takes him out sometimes so you get a break and a coffee in peace.

Will DS sit and let you read to him, by the way? Hours on the sofa spent cuddled up with books and sometimes snacks too always helped mine immensely when they were tired/fretful/demanding as they get that connection time with you but there is the distraction of the story going on. Might also help if you find it hard to get him to eat - just put out a plate of healthy snacks and let him help himself to anything he wants while you read.

Thank you! General consensus seems to be that he’s tired. I tried an 8pm bedtime last night and he woke at 5.15am - have decided I will give it two weeks and see if there’s an improvement!

DH is great and fully involved when here, but he’s out of the house from 6.45am-6.30pm with the work. We try and eat all together in the evenings so that we get some family time (and every weaning book I read pushed the importance of this) but maybe it’s time to abandon this.

DS is at nursery Mon-Wed, my mum has him on Thursday and then Fri with me.

He will sit a read books with me but only for 10 minutes, not hours. Nothing really holds his attention for very long and he needs me to be heavily involved with/ lead play.

Hyper and over-active behaviour is a massive signal that a child is over-tired.
Too many parents see their children (at bedtime!) running around like maniacs and say ‘there’s no way they’re going to sleep!’, when in fact that’s exactly what they need and in the right routine will do.
Best of luck xx