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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandchildren not treated equally

59 replies

Dutchhouse14 · 30/07/2025 23:20

Mil recently downsized and repeatedly made a big thing of saying she was going to share any excess proceeds between her grandchildren, which is very kind and generous. The house she sold was 350k more than the one she bought.
She gave our DC 5k each.
We have just found out that their cousins were given substantially more which some of them used to fund house purchases.
The relative that told us didn't specify how much more the other DGC got but they were visibly surprised ours got 5K as they said about using the money for a generous house deposit.
AIBU to feel pissed off in behalf of my DC ?(they don't know)
All DGC are young adults but cousins are a bit older.
Mil has never treated them equally and always favoured boys over girls so I really should not let this get to me as she has form for it - she had savings accounts for their cousins but not our DC.
One of our DC is renting and struggling to save for a deposit so it does feel a bit like a slap in the face and tbh that she doesn't love them as much.
It's her money to do what she likes with but AIBU to feel really pissed off about this ? DH just accepts it and it's like water off a ducks back to him - or perhaps he just doesn't like to acknowledge its hurtful .
All the DGC see her as frequently as each other.

OP posts:
zaazaazoom · 31/07/2025 04:21

That's really horrible. I don't understand how people can do this. Just give them all the same. It causes upset all round.
Do your DC know? If not I would avoid telling them if possible as it would cause unnecessary hurt. But if they do know, it might be best to say yo MIL that they have found out and are a bit upset. She can then decide how to explain it to them rather than you.

However remind them they are the lucky yo receive anything and she has been very generous.

Hillarious · 31/07/2025 04:28

If £5k from their grandparents isn’t acceptable to your children, mine would be happy to take it off their hands.

Maxorias · 31/07/2025 04:47

Hillarious · 31/07/2025 04:28

If £5k from their grandparents isn’t acceptable to your children, mine would be happy to take it off their hands.

So you don't think the difference in treatment is hurtful ?
Would you do this to your children ?

hattie43 · 31/07/2025 05:54

Horrible thing to do . Really don’t know why people do this , they must know it’ll cause division and upset .

Isitreallysohard · 31/07/2025 05:56

It sounds unfair, but better something than nothing 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lemniscate8 · 31/07/2025 05:58

5K is a substantial boost towards a house deposit.

hattie43 · 31/07/2025 06:00

Lemniscate8 · 31/07/2025 05:58

5K is a substantial boost towards a house deposit.

It really isn’t

Guavafish1 · 31/07/2025 06:03

You need to obtain the facts first. You think your partner can ask his mother for the truth?

it’s annoying but it’s her money and she can do what she likes with it. Be grateful she gave your kids £5k each.

OMGitsnotgood · 31/07/2025 06:05

Hillarious · 31/07/2025 04:28

If £5k from their grandparents isn’t acceptable to your children, mine would be happy to take it off their hands.

This isn’t what the OP said.

OP: whilst it’s the GPs money to do with what they wish, apart from under certain circumstances, I can’t imagine ever treating my DC or GC so differently and I’d be upset in your shoes

Zanatdy · 31/07/2025 06:08

I’d be pretty angry too, and i’d be stepping right back from any relationship with her. Completely unacceptable to do that in my opinion.

Linenpickle · 31/07/2025 06:27

Why doesn’t your dh say something to his mother…. At least make her aware you know if the different treatment with kids.

Kaftanesque · 31/07/2025 06:29

As a grandparent I can't imagine ever doing that.Giving some of the proceeds of her house sale is a kind thing to do but favouring certain GC so much more is not so im not surprised you feel hurt on your DCs behalf.

Selttan · 31/07/2025 06:30

I hope your kids don’t find out - unless their cousins help out their grandmother a lot and your kids have little to do with her.

My parents were updating their will recently and wanted to give 5% more to my niece over my nephew as she’s helped them out so much over the years but I said think of how my nephew will feel when your gone and it might seem like you love her more than him. They don’t it’s just the relationships are different,

verycloakanddaggers · 31/07/2025 06:30

Mil has never treated them equally and always favoured boys over girls Support your DC to at least be honest about this, don't make them play along.

Your DH should speak to his DM, but it's not easy to do.

Unequal treatment is toxic.

tripleginandtonic · 31/07/2025 06:34

Selttan · 31/07/2025 06:30

I hope your kids don’t find out - unless their cousins help out their grandmother a lot and your kids have little to do with her.

My parents were updating their will recently and wanted to give 5% more to my niece over my nephew as she’s helped them out so much over the years but I said think of how my nephew will feel when your gone and it might seem like you love her more than him. They don’t it’s just the relationships are different,

They could specify why in their will. He shouldn't feel hard done to then.

Ladybyrd · 31/07/2025 06:44

Hillarious · 31/07/2025 04:28

If £5k from their grandparents isn’t acceptable to your children, mine would be happy to take it off their hands.

I think you’ve missed the point. Whether it’s £5k or a fiver, not treating them equally is shite.

Selttan · 31/07/2025 06:49

tripleginandtonic · 31/07/2025 06:34

They could specify why in their will. He shouldn't feel hard done to then.

Show quote history

Part of the reason she’s able to help out more is age difference - she’s in her 20s while he’s late teens. Plus personality - she’s very social and outgoing, always on the go. Whereas he’s introverted and has anxiety.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 31/07/2025 06:57

That’s disgusting behaviour from the MIL. I really don’t understand some people. I think I’d have to say something.

ThejoyofNC · 31/07/2025 07:05

I'd make mine give the £5k back. If she can't be fair then she can fuck off.

Teacaketravesty · 31/07/2025 07:07

It isn’t the amount. With my children’s great aunt, it’s £5 in their Christmas cards instead of the £10 their cousins get, even on years we all celebrate together. It’s a relationship-damaging power play.

Pricelessadvice · 31/07/2025 07:10

My friends mother left everything to one grandchild (house, cash etc) and ignored the other 4. That went down well!

timestheyareachanging25 · 31/07/2025 07:10

So ask her about it? Hate these threads where the OP then does zilch about it and just lets the resentment fester. Either way your relationship is going to be damaged so why not confront her and ask her why she made the decision she did and get it from the horses mouth

Lemniscate8 · 31/07/2025 07:12

hattie43 · 31/07/2025 06:00

It really isn’t

Show quote history

It really is, the equivilavent to at least 8-10 months hard saving, and more likely a lot more

Ayeayeaye25 · 31/07/2025 07:15

It’s not fair but then life never is.

Could the family member who said this be winding you up or got things wrong?

At least it’s MIL and not your DM.

My DM blatantly favours my darling sisters eldest DC over sisters other child and over my two. The favoured one is also the eldest by two years. DM has far more photos of DN around her house than the other three GC put together she also always talks about DN as though she is some kind of god.

DM has made the mistake of asking my two to decide what they would like for big birthdays in the past no budget was ever discussed and neither are grabby kids so they haven’t liked to say anything. Then later its slipped out that niece has got a big very expensive present for big birthdays mine got £50 in a card for 18th and 21st. Eldest niece on the other hand is always wanting and hinting about things and DM often gets her things year round, treats her to an expensive lunch (my two get an Aldi’s own chocolate biscuit when they are on their way home almost like a reward for going home). She has also bought niece a sofa and I am pretty sure DM has given her a deposit on a house as neither her or her BF have been employed in the same job for two years and unlikely to have had enough deposit. My two will be lucky to get a mug or two.

Twilightstarbright · 31/07/2025 07:44

This is what my family is like- my cousins have had flats bought for them, cars, school fees etc. They have professional well paying jobs and their parents are wealthy so it isn’t on need- I could actually understand them giving more in than circumstance.

As an adult I had a limited relationship with my Gran because of it. She knew she was being unfair but basically admitted that she just favoured her other grandchildren over me and my siblings.