Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandchildren not treated equally

59 replies

Dutchhouse14 · 30/07/2025 23:20

Mil recently downsized and repeatedly made a big thing of saying she was going to share any excess proceeds between her grandchildren, which is very kind and generous. The house she sold was 350k more than the one she bought.
She gave our DC 5k each.
We have just found out that their cousins were given substantially more which some of them used to fund house purchases.
The relative that told us didn't specify how much more the other DGC got but they were visibly surprised ours got 5K as they said about using the money for a generous house deposit.
AIBU to feel pissed off in behalf of my DC ?(they don't know)
All DGC are young adults but cousins are a bit older.
Mil has never treated them equally and always favoured boys over girls so I really should not let this get to me as she has form for it - she had savings accounts for their cousins but not our DC.
One of our DC is renting and struggling to save for a deposit so it does feel a bit like a slap in the face and tbh that she doesn't love them as much.
It's her money to do what she likes with but AIBU to feel really pissed off about this ? DH just accepts it and it's like water off a ducks back to him - or perhaps he just doesn't like to acknowledge its hurtful .
All the DGC see her as frequently as each other.

OP posts:
AnnieMay55 · 31/07/2025 22:14

Money so often causes problems in families. After my MIL died and my husband along with his brother were executors of the will and sorted all the financial stuff we found she had given her dgs from his brother's family £30,000 towards his house purchase. Our DD got £1000 as she just purchased a property not long before she died and our Ds in his 30s nothing, as he hadn't yet bought a property. The other DGC 3 others in his brother's family had received up to £10,000 each. I found it quite unfair. They were always the favoured ones particularly the first DGS and saw her more as lived nearer. They all got £5000 from the will, but there had been many gifts before.

ItIsFoggy · 31/07/2025 22:50

I can see two sides to this, but I do understand that sometimes relationships aren't equal. First, it is unacceptable to treat grandchildren differently. I did take a stand when my MIL did this sort of thing, though it was between young minor siblings the inequality existed, and it was glaring.

On the other hand, my mother complains that I wasn't given the same treatment as the 'other set of grandchildren' by my grandmother. I disagree with my mother that this is unfair. My parents moved far away from my grandmother. The 'other grandchildren' had a relationship where they saw her every week, more than once, and yes, she did buy them computers and things, while we got nothing. I met her twice in my life. I'm sure if I'd had the chance to have the same relationship with my grandmother, I'd have got more equal treatment. As it was, there was really no involvement, so I think it's not reasonable to expect things to be equal materially.

So maybe it depends on the relationship, OP?

Hillarious · 01/08/2025 04:21

Grandparents can have many grandchildren and the relationships within the family will differ. It’s not a given that grandchildren should be treated equally. The OP’s children were quite happy with their £5,000. Just a shame the relative is a shit-stirrer here.

Ayeayeaye25 · 01/08/2025 05:07

ItIsFoggy · 31/07/2025 22:50

I can see two sides to this, but I do understand that sometimes relationships aren't equal. First, it is unacceptable to treat grandchildren differently. I did take a stand when my MIL did this sort of thing, though it was between young minor siblings the inequality existed, and it was glaring.

On the other hand, my mother complains that I wasn't given the same treatment as the 'other set of grandchildren' by my grandmother. I disagree with my mother that this is unfair. My parents moved far away from my grandmother. The 'other grandchildren' had a relationship where they saw her every week, more than once, and yes, she did buy them computers and things, while we got nothing. I met her twice in my life. I'm sure if I'd had the chance to have the same relationship with my grandmother, I'd have got more equal treatment. As it was, there was really no involvement, so I think it's not reasonable to expect things to be equal materially.

So maybe it depends on the relationship, OP?

Possibly, but we live within easy visiting range but my DM’s blatant favouritism and games of favourites has family alienated us from her. We do see her but not as much as we would have done had her games and favouritism not been so blatant that it succeeded in drawing a wedge between us.

ItIsFoggy · 01/08/2025 05:28

Ayeayeaye25 · 01/08/2025 05:07

Possibly, but we live within easy visiting range but my DM’s blatant favouritism and games of favourites has family alienated us from her. We do see her but not as much as we would have done had her games and favouritism not been so blatant that it succeeded in drawing a wedge between us.

Show quote history

Totally understand. My MIL had her favourites among my children, it was obvious, and I wasn't standing for that. She became grandma we never see.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 01/08/2025 05:51

Oneinamil · 31/07/2025 20:01

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · Today 19:38
"Only a possible issue for IHT, and even then only an issue if the person giving the gift dies within 7 years".
So, regarding your comment, are you confirming that it is legal to do this whilst the mil is alive (or anyone else intending to do this)? I have read similar on Gransnet in the past but was never sure that this was legal with HMRC.

Thank you

You can do what you like with your own money. However, if the MIL needs care later and her house proceeds and savings run out, I believe the local authority becomes liable and can then look into her finances to see if the family took funds that would otherwise have been funding her care. Don't know how far back they can go and whether they can reclaim it.

Laurmolonlabe · 01/08/2025 08:24

I'm not surprised you are not happy, but it's MIL's money so you have no real leverage to complain- not being open about the amounts should have given you the heads up it wasn't going to be equal. I wouldn't complain too loud as she could level it up when your children are older, but I wouldn't count on it.

Hopingtobeaparent · 01/08/2025 09:52

Linenpickle · 31/07/2025 06:27

Why doesn’t your dh say something to his mother…. At least make her aware you know if the different treatment with kids.

I think this, OP.

I think DH’s silence towards his mother needs to be challenged. If he won’t, maybe you should? And obviously you’re not doing it in a demanding more money kind of way, but pointing out the hurt of her blatant favouritism and how that’s shitty and yes, causes divide.

Yes, I would be taking that message loud and clear, and be reviewing the level of involvement with, and support for, her moving forwards.

The kids will find out, surely, they’d talk, no? I’d be tempted to out her to the kids and discuss the behaviour, using it as a learning opportunity. They are adults after all, they surely know unfairness happens, I think they should know who it’s coming from in the family! Let them decide what they do with that info!

Sure, grandma can do what she wants, but perfectly valid to be hurt by this on their behalf.

Like to say, she’s got form… 🤷‍♀️

Oneinamil · 01/08/2025 12:32

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g
Thank you for explaining, I was not aware of that.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page