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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandchildren not treated equally

59 replies

Dutchhouse14 · 30/07/2025 23:20

Mil recently downsized and repeatedly made a big thing of saying she was going to share any excess proceeds between her grandchildren, which is very kind and generous. The house she sold was 350k more than the one she bought.
She gave our DC 5k each.
We have just found out that their cousins were given substantially more which some of them used to fund house purchases.
The relative that told us didn't specify how much more the other DGC got but they were visibly surprised ours got 5K as they said about using the money for a generous house deposit.
AIBU to feel pissed off in behalf of my DC ?(they don't know)
All DGC are young adults but cousins are a bit older.
Mil has never treated them equally and always favoured boys over girls so I really should not let this get to me as she has form for it - she had savings accounts for their cousins but not our DC.
One of our DC is renting and struggling to save for a deposit so it does feel a bit like a slap in the face and tbh that she doesn't love them as much.
It's her money to do what she likes with but AIBU to feel really pissed off about this ? DH just accepts it and it's like water off a ducks back to him - or perhaps he just doesn't like to acknowledge its hurtful .
All the DGC see her as frequently as each other.

OP posts:
Arealhousewife133 · 31/07/2025 08:32

Hillarious · 31/07/2025 04:28

If £5k from their grandparents isn’t acceptable to your children, mine would be happy to take it off their hands.

You've completely missed the point but im sure you know that. Its not nice to favour some of your grandkids over the others. That's what the issue is. Op isnt suggesting she wants the mils money just for the sake of wanting it.

@Dutchhouse14 Op call her out on it.. its her loss.. when your kids dont want her or as she gets older dont go to see her or dont care for her she will have no one to blame but herself. Its not about wanting money off her.. its about shes made it clear who she favours, so good luck to her, im sure these other kids will take care of her the older she gets.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/07/2025 08:40

This does sound very unfair. It’s a huge difference in treatment, not just a minor thing.

Original poster
Dutchhouse14 · 31/07/2025 08:56

Thanks everyone, I feel a bit calmer this morning was furious last night.
DH won't speak to his mum about it, if it was my mum I would definitely be saying something but she wouldnt do something like this anyway.
Mil lives 300 miles away, tbh we visit more than the DHs brother and his kids but due to distance none of the DGC see her more than 2-3times a year.
It was DHs sister that told us, she doesn't have DC, both us and BIL have same number of DC so it's not that.
I'm 100% certain she has got it right and knows the facts ( but also wouldn't call her mum out on it)
She did kindly say she would try and help out our DC when they bought their first house but of course can't take that as a given and it's not the same as money in their accounts now.
My DC were very grateful and excited to be giving 5k, and of course I know it's MIL money so her choice BUT I do feel like my DC are being treated like second class citizens (again) and it makes my blood boil and tbh makes me think it's me she really doesn't like me although we get on well. They are very middle class me and my family are very working class.
DHs brother and his wife inherited a lot of money from her family which has also been used to benefit their DC, whereas we are unable to financially support our DC in the same way. So to add salt in the wound feels she's given to the DGC who needed it the least, but she does have a history of wanting to keep up with BIL wife's wealthy family, for example when BIL and his wife were given a 25% house deposit by her parents, DHs parents decided to match it and give them the same, as MIL couldn't bear the thought of her sons wife's family having greater input in their lives (she has told me this herself)
When we bought our first house a few years later we were not giving anything towards our deposit by either side of the family so we bought our first house with a 95% mortgage and BIL and SIl bought their first house with a 50% on a mortgage and this kind of financial leg up makes a huge difference that carries on throughout life.
Just to add this was in the 90s when house prices were a lot cheaper but still was a deposit beyond our dreams.
I would love to send the money back as suggested by PP but it's my DCs money and they are grateful and are unaware that my their DGM has given their cousins more.
Without meaning to sound ungrateful the 5k my DC have been given doesn't really go very far on a house deposits when they are dreaming of buying rather than renting.
Their cousins have recently all bought houses (no doubt had help from their mums side of family too tbf) my DC who get on well with their cousins do joke about being the poor relations.
I would never treat my DC or any future DGC differently so am completely perplexed by ILs behaviour and angry on behalf of my DC.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 31/07/2025 09:05

When you say she’s always treated them not equally, do you mean she gets on with them better? Because my mum was always raging over how my sister got preferential treatment and I even found out she asked my Aunty did she hate me and why she never took me out etc but it was literally just that they got on well, we just had nothing in common and to be fair I wasn’t forthcoming!
I am another that thinks 5k is substantial though but i do get that it’s unfair.

Another that says talk to her about it but not when you’re mad, figure out a way to talk about it where you’ll put across that you find it as unfair and let her know they could have done with it as opposed to anything that will have her shut you down and have her saying you’re greedy

CopperWhite · 31/07/2025 09:10

I’d have to call her out on it and tell her how hurtful she is. You have nothing to lose and your children deserve to see someone sticking up for them. It’s sad that your DH won’t.

FishPie2 · 31/07/2025 09:11

Pricelessadvice · 31/07/2025 07:10

My friends mother left everything to one grandchild (house, cash etc) and ignored the other 4. That went down well!

Are you my SIL - my MIL did almost the same thing except she gave the grandchildren a couple of grand each. She said in the will it was because the parents of the child she left everything to lived in a council house and others didn't. They both had good jobs and spent their money on flash cars and hols etc so they could have bought a bigger house than any of the others.
Her memory was very sullied.

Original poster
Dutchhouse14 · 31/07/2025 10:34

@stayathomer No I don't think she gets on with other DGC better, they barely see her but they are the children of her eldest son and male so, for her, I think thats relevant.
Also she likes keeping up with BILs wife's family.
PP are right I think I do need to have a calm conversation with her when I next see her. It won't change a thing money wise because she's now done the distribution but at least it may make her consider her actions, although there is a chance she will be upset and angry with her daughter for telling us and they have had a rocky relationship in the past which is now repaired so I wouldn't want to upset DHs sister.

OP posts:
IHadaMarvelousTimeRuiningEverything · 31/07/2025 11:01

My MIL is the same. Except when she was called out for it we were called petty and jealous and instead she accused us of disliking SIL and nephew (the ones who received the favourable treatment). That was 18 months ago and nothing has changed but it has damaged our relationship with all parties so be prepared for your MIL to be in denial or lash out at the favouritism accusations.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 31/07/2025 11:32

hattie43 · 31/07/2025 06:00

It really isn’t

Show quote history

Going on average house prices, it is about 2% of the deposit so nothing to scoff at.

Taking into account I wouldn't expect a ftb to be purchasing an average house then it increases the percentage.

But back to the OP it is still unfair to not treat equally without apparent good reason

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 31/07/2025 12:02

@Dutchhouse14 well I think in your position, you should be approaching mil and ask her why she differentiated between your kids and the other grandkids!! call her out!! dont let her away with it. if she washes over it then block and dont visit again. karma dictates that you wont be doing any care for her when she needs it!!

Middleagedspreadisreal · 31/07/2025 18:19

You've hit the nail on the head yourself, she's obviously wanting to keep up with the other GP's. It's not a favouritism thing at all, but a keeping-up-with-the-Jones's thing. Annoying and unfair all the same

Shotokan101 · 31/07/2025 18:22

No point in letting it bother you if you can't be arsed to find out the truth......

GiveDogBone · 31/07/2025 18:23

This is simply awful behaviour from your MIL. Obviously you need to get the full facts, and hear her side of the story, but it’s a potential NC situation.

(And the people who say you should be happy with the £5k are complete idiots, that’s not the point. How would they feel if they were doing exactly the same job as the person sitting next to them but were getting paid a fraction, same thing).

PerfectTuesday · 31/07/2025 18:27

I don't think you should say anything. It's unfair but ultimately it's her money to do with as she likes. She didn't have to give it away, so anything is a bonus and £5k is not an insignificant sum.

Thalia31 · 31/07/2025 18:48

Lemniscate8 · 31/07/2025 05:58

5K is a substantial boost towards a house deposit.

Where?

Y737 · 31/07/2025 19:05

Tbh - her money to do what she likes with. Not yours, not your children’s. Yes it’s unfair in some absolute sense, but people show their colours when it comes to money and it’s not worth fretting about.

womblemum · 31/07/2025 19:22

If she dies within the next seven years it will all need to be declared by the executors for IHT….

PerfectTuesday · 31/07/2025 19:24

Thalia31 · 31/07/2025 18:48

Where?

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You can get a 2 bed terrace for around 100k where I am, less if you are up for completely refurbishing it.

Oneinamil · 31/07/2025 19:25

I didnt know that you could share £350K with members of the family without it impacting on tax issues with HMRC. I thought the only amount for one year only to any one person was £3K. (£5K to contribute to weddings, £250 for a single gift, but sharing £350K is new to me). There are other stipulations too but wondered how the mil could do this whilst she is alive!

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 31/07/2025 19:38

Oneinamil · 31/07/2025 19:25

I didnt know that you could share £350K with members of the family without it impacting on tax issues with HMRC. I thought the only amount for one year only to any one person was £3K. (£5K to contribute to weddings, £250 for a single gift, but sharing £350K is new to me). There are other stipulations too but wondered how the mil could do this whilst she is alive!

Only a possible issue for IHT, and even then only an issue if the person giving the gift dies within 7 years.

Lemniscate8 · 31/07/2025 19:44

Thalia31 · 31/07/2025 18:48

Where?

Show quote history

O come on, it is a reasonable 10% of a minimum deposit anywhere- people are being very snide about this sum of money - maybe the others didn't actually get very much more, just view it differently

lochmaree · 31/07/2025 19:46

I can foresee my MIL doing this. She favours one GC out of her four GC. and is very obvious in doing so. I am 99% sure she'll do similar with money. It's awful OP but with my MIL, she just creates plausible deniability so if you call her out then she is the victim and it creates a ton of drama. We just don't see them much at all.

Oneinamil · 31/07/2025 20:01

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · Today 19:38
"Only a possible issue for IHT, and even then only an issue if the person giving the gift dies within 7 years".
So, regarding your comment, are you confirming that it is legal to do this whilst the mil is alive (or anyone else intending to do this)? I have read similar on Gransnet in the past but was never sure that this was legal with HMRC.

Thank you

woowooz · 31/07/2025 20:45

Yes it is legal . You need to survive 7 years for no tax to be payable

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 31/07/2025 21:08

woowooz · 31/07/2025 20:45

Yes it is legal . You need to survive 7 years for no tax to be payable

As this poster says, it’s perfectly legal. If the person giving the money dies within 7 years then there could be IHT payable (or it could mean that more IHT is payable on the rest of the estate) but that’s the only implication for the person giving it