MIL stole my thunder

[vivazeboo]

Ok so this was a very long time ago, so I'm in no way asking for judgment or what to do..I'd just like to hear your thoughts on it. So I'm not a high achiever, never really done anything to make my parents proud. The one thing that I was so excited about was to give them grandchildren (sad..maybe). So, when I got pregnant I was so excited to tell my mum...and that was all fine and she was so happy etc...scroll on 9 months and I had just given birth to my son, 12 hr labour, lost nearly 4 pts of blood but ecstatic that he was born and alive and fine..my next thought was that I couldnt wait to tell my mum and dad...I phoned them - only to be told they already knew because MIL had phoned the unit and found out first... while writing this I'm thinking that I was maybe being unreasonable in being so fucking annoyed about it... but it was MY THING to do....and she took it from me...I've never been able to let it go..that baby is 23 now ha!

Let it go

A long time ago. My dm gave birth and her dsister called the ward and found out my dm had her baby and what it was and told everyone before my dm had a chance to . She was upset and the hospital should never have done that . I don't think that it would happen today . This was 30 years ago .

This

Are you the MIL or her friend? MIL sounds insane and I’m surprised the hospital told her about the baby.

Maybe MIL called the hospital because she was worried she hadn’t heard anything? Sounds like quite a traumatic birth for OP so maybe took a while. Perhaps she thought the OPs Mum would also have been worried.

I honestly couldn’t get too worked up about this.

Firstly, ynbu it’s special news to share so can see why you felt deflated that it’d already been shared. But I also think hearing the news from you is completely different than hearing it from mil? I kind of think your mum’s reaction would’ve massively changed how you felt about this. Did she literally say ‘yeah I already know’? Because that’s a bit shit. With my own daughter, I’d be excited to hear it from her, excited to hear her excitement and how she was doing. Happy to tell her how proud I was and how excited to see them both. I’m not sure I’d even mention mil call as does feel a bit like raining on your parade.

Did your mum know you’d gone into labour? When a close family member goes into labour it can be an anxious wait for updates, you just want to know that they (and baby) are ok. Maybe your mum/mil has gone back and forth seeing if the other has heard any news and your mil decides to ring? Then let your mum know that you and baby were ok/safe and well. I can still understand why it bothered/ bothers you but (without knowing her) don’t think mil was necessarily trying to steal your thunder or coming from a bad place.

How was it introducing your son to your parents the very first time? Hopefully that (and the following 23yrs) have plenty of other special moments to remember.

I'm thinking all the MN MiL must be away on holiday (selfishly avoiding childcare) if in the absence of new material we're going back 23 years.

Your MIL was completely out of order phoning your parents and telling them the news about their new grandchild. I'm surprised that the hospital would provide that information over the phone as she could have been anyone.

I presume that she is normally overbearing and pushes boundaries a lot?

Of course you don’t steal anyone else’s birth announcement, really not okay for the MIL to do that. I suppose it’s possible she was just an over excited first time grandparent and hadn’t thought it through properly. I’m curious to know if this is representative of her normal behaviour or completely out of character. That would make a big difference to how I felt about it. If she’s normally lovely but made a mistake in her excitement I’d get over it reasonably easily I think. If she’s always doing stuff like this I’d be pissed of at her.

The fact you can't let it go suggests either deep issues still with your MIL or yourself regarding "making your parents proud".

Oh I hear you OP, not at all unreasonable to have been upset about that. When I had my first baby, it was a few days before I got to Facebook - we'd already let family, friends and work know but I hadn't yet posted on FB with a photo for less close friends. This bloody woman from work had seen fit to post on my timeline that she "wanted to be the first to congratulate me on the birth of Baby Name" before I had even posted anything about it. She's always been an attention seeker, and is no longer my FB friend. And yes, this was years ago but I still dislike her for it!

Presumably there are 23 years of back story. My MIL did similar (my kids are still young though) and she was honestly trying to help. She knew I was still in a fug of pain and drugs and that my mother would be anxious and she wanted to set everyone at ease with the good news. She shared the first pics too. I might have been annoyed but she really is a sweet and lovely woman (and hugely supportive when I had PND) and was doing what she truly thought was best. I couldn't be annoyed.

I will only ever be a MIL to a grandchild’s mother. I will not cause any problems like this because I’m not a thoughtless, competitive person like so many MILs appear to be. I have absolutely no problem accepting that my DS’s GF will want her parents there first and more often because she will want support from the first - that, to me, is perfectly normal and obvious.

OP, I would have hit the roof. I have a wonderful memory of phoning my DF and telling him when DS1 was born. If I’d found out he already knew from MIL I would have been very upset. DH would have been having words with her.

Why are you posting about this 23 years later? It’s a long time to hold a grudge so tightly. Did you speak to your MiL about this at any point in the last 23 years? If not, then it’s on you for not clearing the air as it obviously still grates. Also, not sure if your parents are still here but stop trying to impress them. They’re just people with flaws like all of us.

An auntie of mine did the same thing. We had only told very close family of the birth wanting to enjoy the newborn bubble for at least a few hours. She put it on Facebook so I then felt I had to send a hurried text to friends and colleagues to let them know. Still upsets me now

I'd still be fuming 23 years later too! My mum is a bit like this she put on Facebook I was having a boy when i didn't want it on social media and it's something I wanted to tell everyone myself. I have accepted now that it was only out of excitiment for gc and not anything intended to upset me.

Yanbu. My sister did the same.

She was calling my husband every 5 minutes, so when the baby was born, she was the first one he told. An hour or so later, he excitedly started to call other close family members only to find she’d already done so and everyone knew the news.

That was also 23 years ago. Still annoyed when we remember.

Hardly ‘petty and vengeful’ 🤣 it’s just something that I still think about and still bothers me…I’ve never even said a thing about it to her! It would be great to have had a problem free existence, I don't think that is a thing though….well maybe for the delusional….

OP, off topic completely - you have raised a human being, you have plenty to be proud about now. Well done!

Yes they should have waited and my in laws wouldnt have done that

Just to be clearer, I think that mil actually spoke to DH when she phoned and he told her - so don't think hospital did anything wrong…sorry, should've said that in first place 😬
Also, to those saying I should let it go etc etc….its not like I sit there all day seething about this😅….its just something that still bothers sometimes me because it was one of the most important events (the birth of my first DC) of my life!

Full disclosure - I had a few wines and fancied posting on MN - I don't need the problem solving, its fine - I get on with MIL fine too.

Thanks to everyone who empathised also - glad to know I'm not alone ha!

It sounds like she was very excited and wanted to share the news. To be honest, OP nobody cares in these situations who tells them, they just want to know everyone is safe and sound. Maybe your DM was disappointed not to be the first one to know but if she hasn’t said so I would let it go. Belated congrats on your (not very new) arrival!

@vivazeboo what an absolute bitch .
Id still be fuming too tbh I’d never have spoken to her again. So I don’t blame you .

But you haven’t responded to posters querying the much larger issue here - namely, how you feel about yourself.

• Do you/did you get on well with your parents?
• Were they good, kind parents to you?
• Did they make you feel inadequate?
• Do you have high-achieving siblings?
• Were you a good, kind daughter to them?

This is different (a little )
Did you and dh not agree on telling people ?
Didn’t you ask mil why she felt the need to call your mum . I’d also have told her straight it was your place to do so and def not hers .