To think you wait for everyone to finish dinner before you go and get a dessert?

[Treadly]

I grew up in England, parents a bit strict and very big on table manners. I was taught that you wait for everyone to finish eating before you leave the table. If you want to go sooner, you ask to be excused. You wait for everyone to finish eating their dinner before even thinking of your own dessert.

DH grew up in continental Europe. His family ran a restaurant and his parents were always working so they rarely ate together. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal for our DC to get a yoghurt from the fridge while another member of the family is still eating dinner. He says my upbringing sounds overly strict, like boarding school, and he doesn’t want the same for our DC. I think my parents insisted on basic table manners, and I want to teach them to DC.

Who IBU?

Formal dinners - family occasions, other people’s houses, restaurant - with a set planned meal I’d say to wait. Family informal meals I don’t find it a problem to be eating a dessert when others are on their main course because not everyone will have a yogurt etc.

Same as above, DS has to ask to leave the table and if it's just a normal meal, not a long one with adults chatting after eating, he stays at the table. I would be fine if he'd eaten his meal and wanted a yoghurt. Most adults won't be having a yoghurt after dinner anyway and you're all still sitting together eating

If dessert is yoghurt out the fridge I dont see the big deal if its something your actually serving then I would expect everyone to wait.

Did you grow up in 1923?
I think that yabu.

Why should they be made to wait because of rules your parents made up?

It’s very very unnecessary.
They are eating with you, so what if it’s a sweet?

In our house, everyone finishes mains before having a dessert. Especially as with children, if one of them sees dessert, they’d immediately abandon their main meal in favour of skipping to pud! (Not a yogurt, we usually have something a bit more substantial 😂).
I like everyone to wait until everyone’s finished before getting down from the table, but I’ve had to let that one go as DH refuses. He gobbles his food and then just gets up and leaves room, he doesn’t have pud. (he says it’s how he was brought up and can’t see the point of waiting around).
I think it’s a shame as he misses out on the conversation, we have 4 children age 10+), but I’ve given up and it’s his loss.

I wouldn’t begrudge my child a yoghurt if it was me and her dad or me and her Nan eating for an example

YABU

Plus I'm a very slow eater and I'd hate to be sitting there knowing others are waiting for me to finish, so they can have their dessert.

Manners are a great thing but being overly formal at home is not.

Don't cause them to have hang-ups around food, by making meal times an issue.

If dessert is a yogurt, you are massively overreacting. Especially if it’s just a bog standard weeknight meal

i eat really slowly. I don’t expect the family to sit around waiting for me. At more formal meals I will often intentionally eat in advance and eat less during the meal just to not throw off the flow. I’m not doing that at home when what I want is to enjoy my dinner. People can get dessert or go on their merry way. I’ve got a book to keep me company.

YANBU

It’s just polite to others who now may feel rushed. I also think of it as akin to what my American university boyfriend thought normal but a Brit would be aghast at: at a restaurant, he had a part time job as a waiter and he would collect the main course plates of those diners at a table who had finished, even if others at the same table were still eating.

Same as @ThatRoseDeer , we have insisted that DS1 waits because if DS2 sees dessert he will ditch his main course and want dessert. We already insisted on this because DS1 is scrawny and needs to get food in him, but now he has a medical condition that makes it all the more important.

For me meal times aren't about just eating, they are about sharing time together, talking, having family time. Scoffing down your dessert and getting down from the table when other people haven't finished eaten shows that you just aren't interested in spending time with them and taking that opportunity to chat.

Yes, making sure the other DC eat their dinner is also part of my reasoning! Also, I habe a sensitive sense of smell and hate smelling sweet yoghurt while eating a savoury dinner. And I think it’s important to learn that you can wait a few minutes for something you want, rather than getting it immediately.

We definitely didn't have a formal or overly strict upbringing and our family isn't either of those things now but I think it's pretty rude to go onto dessert (whatever it is, yogurts included!) while others are still eating their mains and wouldn't let my kids do this unless there was a reason e.g. rushing off to a club.

We did not even have a table OP, but I want to eat until everyone is served and would not serve dessert until everyone has finished. My ex used to start eating. It wound me up. He was used to family meals around the table too.

Depends.

At home - If child has already eaten all of their meal, I wouldn’t have an issue with them getting a dessert.

In public, no, they would have to wait, however if there was one person who was taking too long, than I would allow them to have their dessert.

My mother was a slow eater and always the last to finish. It would be my father, me, and my sister waiting on her to finish and that was before she had dentures. It got to the point, I often had a book with me and would read waiting for her to finish. She always said we ate too fast, but she took 15- 20 minutes longer and was also asking to taste my food while I was eating and call me selfish when I say no.

Besides, as long as they’re still at the table and not walking off, I don’t see the issue. Both are still eating and it is your issue that the smell of yogurt bothers you while you’re eating something savoury.

Why wouldn't an adult have a yogurt? I eat yogurt all the time.

You sound ridiculously uptight. Yes some manners are important but this seems like formality and prissiness for the sake of it. Your child is still eating with you. Why does it matter if it’s a yoghurt? And as a slow eater I wouldn’t want others to have to wait for me.

I grew up with the same rules as you OP. As a parent I’m much more like your DH.

The only thing different is we don’t use the word “dessert” it’s a puddin’ 😂.

It does sound like you are a slow eater, so I wouldn't impose these rules during regular family meals. If it was just a few minutes, I doubt your husband would object. His view is also valid.

I would find it really rude if someone went and got their dessert before everyone else had finished their dinner.

I’m with you OP!
Growing up, it was absolutely the done thing to wait until everyone had finished before getting desert. Everyone usually finished around a similar time anyway so it never felt like a “thing” but it would just have never happened that someone would get up for desert whilst someone else was still on mains. Agree with you that it doesn’t harm the kids to learn how to wait a couple of minutes.

My DD is a very slow eater . Not a problem really . But I like my dinner to be really hot so tend to start eating and so finish before her . I do tend to get up and start getting things ready for dessert if having any but the kitchen is not so big that I can't still chat away..

Thank goodness someone else feels like this.

I am staggered how many people on here think OP is being unreasonable and see nothing wrong with people moving on to pudding while others are still in the main. Just no! Wait for everyone, it's not overly formal it's just basic manners.

As for @ThatRoseDeer DH:
I like everyone to wait until everyone’s finished before getting down from the table, but I’ve had to let that one go as DH refuses. He gobbles his food and then just gets up and leaves room

Wow. Both the gobbling of the food and then just walking away I would find so depressing. We always tried to make family dinner a social part of the day. That's how it was for both DH and I growing up so luckily we were on the same page with this.

Yes, he’s always done it. I used to moan at him about it, but it never worked. The rest of us sit and chat while we eat, it’s just him.
He doesn’t really interact during his meal either, just eats and goes.
We then all finish eating, clear up etc (still chatting 😂). I’m firm about no phones at the table too… with 3 teenagers and a 10 year old, I find meal times are the best chance to find out about their days and ‘catch up on the tea’ as my girls would say.

We have A B C manners. A is grandparents and restaurants. B is at home. C is BBQ/lazy/picnic. Set your expectations at each level. Ours is very very high at A. Pretty low at B and like monkeys at the zoo at C. You can have grades in each!

Oh and no phones ever!

I have some annoyance because my mum has rules like you and is also a very slow eater. It’s like she holds everyone hostage to chat as she has one mouthful of food every fine minutes. Drives me insane.