To think you wait for everyone to finish dinner before you go and get a dessert?

[Treadly]

I grew up in England, parents a bit strict and very big on table manners. I was taught that you wait for everyone to finish eating before you leave the table. If you want to go sooner, you ask to be excused. You wait for everyone to finish eating their dinner before even thinking of your own dessert.

DH grew up in continental Europe. His family ran a restaurant and his parents were always working so they rarely ate together. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal for our DC to get a yoghurt from the fridge while another member of the family is still eating dinner. He says my upbringing sounds overly strict, like boarding school, and he doesn’t want the same for our DC. I think my parents insisted on basic table manners, and I want to teach them to DC.

Who IBU?

You are really not being unreasonable, OP. Someone upthread called you 'massively' unreasonable - no you're not. It really is not that hard for everyone to respect the idea of courses in meals, and to respect the idea of everyone more or less sticking to the timing of courses. Viewed from that angle, those jonesing for their yogurt are no worse than the fecking dawdlers toying with their salad, or whatever. Everyone should understand that there is a sequence, and the sequence should follow a certain pace. It's all part of the human dance of time together: meals should be enjoyable, they should last a certain length, but then there should be a break. That timing can differ, depending on circumstance, but the order should be immutable, and the main thing is that the whole business ends at some point so that everyone can go to bed. If people wander in and out, eating whatever they want, whenever they want, there is no logical end, and that's when it becomes a nightmare.

Person X thinks 'it's basic manners' whilst Person Y thinks 'it's overly fussy and formal'

Neither are wrong.

Both points of view are valid

You and your husband needs to have a general discussion about what works for you as a family - you might both have to compromise a little or maybe you will create A,B,C situations as above

I really object to people stating 'of course I'm right and everyone else is wrong, mannerless and rude' - do you really not understand that people do things differently and that is okay?? Why are you insulting people because they do things differently to you?

We’re like you are. Everyone finishes their main meal, before having a desert.

We’re like you are. Everyone finishes their main meal, before having a desert.

i don't think you should have to wait with slow eaters. It's torturous.

I’m firmly in your camp, op, and didn’t think that was particularly strict but perhaps it is based on these responses 🤔 I will never change though, good table manners are important to me… sorry DC!

At a formal dinner it's rude.. guest in someone else's home it's rude.
Just a random dinner in your own home? I really can't see the issue. Households can be busy. I think it's a complete waste of time to have everyone forced to sit at the table doing nothing because they ate faster than everyone else..

And controlling! So the slowest eater gets to decide when everyone else gets pudding?...

Yoghurt is not dessert.

It can be.

It's certainly not a dessert worth waiting for.

You're being childish.

It was supposed to be light-hearted..... (I'll see myself out)

Formal dinner or in public it would be rude.

family - well lots of cultures have much more informal rules for family.

my DD is an insanely slow eater and we don’t always wait for her.

I think good manners, including table manners are important but sadly not everyone shares this view. I have recently had a number of young (20s) people staying with me with appalling table manners - e.g sitting eating with headphones and watching their phones, texting or worse carrying on conversations on their phones during meals. Not to mention, eating with their hands (full English on Sunday, sausage, bacon etc picked up in their fingers), using the forks from which they had been eating to spear items from communal serving dishes, using fingers to take items such as roast potatoes, from communal serving dishes… the list is endless. I’m shocked and saddened that their parents have not taught them better manners. My adult dc have to eat out in formal settings with work colleagues and clients etc and I would definitely feel that I had failed as a parent if they could not do so appropriately.

Formal occasions with guests or of you are a guest, it is polite to wait. But sometimes depending on the child's age its better to let them eat and leave.

Regular meals at home, no need to wait for a yoghurt/dessert.

However, if there is more than one child (younger ones) then, they need to wait until all the children have eaten, otherwise they will all leave the main meal in favour of desserts.

My god. Are you cooking for him? And clearing up after him as well? I couldn't bring myself to do it.

yes it’s one of the rules I insist on. that and no asking for seconds before everyone’s finished their food, it’s so rude and unnecessary people jumping up and opening ovens/fridges while someone usually me is still eating, being rushed makes me bite my cheek which spoils any enjoyment of food
YANBU

Can I make a wild stab in the dark here and say your dc are very young? Because i can assure you in a few years you’ll be lucky if anyone is even sitting at the table during the week. One will be out at some sports practice another will be heading out in half an hour. Whoever is at home will scarf their meal down so they can go revise for upcoming exams and someone will be on a diet and refusing to eat anything with a face.

I know right 🤣 and who has dessert every night?

Why would you have to rush just because others are getting seconds? I certainly don’t feel any need to rush my food but neither do I expect to hold others back from having seconds or pudding.

Yabu
The European relaxed approach is the best imho. The strict English formality is a recipe for disordered eating complexes. Meals are meant to be a time of relaxing and enjoying being with each other as a family. It shouldn’t be about ensuring you all eat the exact same things at the same pace, or need permission to leave the table. I hope you are not a clear your plate or no dessert person too!

I couldn't care less about that, I've always hated standing on ceremony at mealtimes. Funnily enough I got a ticking off just yesterday by my father-in-law for leaving the table while he was still eating on the grounds it was rude. Not rude to expect seven other people to sit around for quarter of an hour while you push the last few morsels around your plate though - seriously it takes him longer to eat a potato than it takes to grow it. And I was paying, the ungrateful git.

We wait until all mains are done.

Slow eaters definitely hold everyone hostage. My mum is slower than molasses uphill on a cold day. And she loves to chat. So we are all forced to chat for HOURS while she eats microscopic amounts. Also, she moans that we don’t heat plates in my house. We don’t have to because we eat the food before it goes cold!