To be annoyed with dh even though he is kind - If so - tips please as probably bu!

[Eeehbahgum]

My dh expresses care via -
1 taking action when I am upset -say if there is an issue at work ,he will listen , advise .
2 he express care via practical things.eg doing the mot appts for the cars.

I know that we all have out different love language’s - re how we express or receive care.

For example- I know his is food and action - so I bake healthy treats and good meals for him .
ie i try to notice his love language that he feels cared about- do it his way .

The issue is he expresses care for me according to what HIS love language is - so he does practical action things for me - when he knows that mine is surprises, gestures, arranging time together… little ( not expensive at all) gifts-but instead I get my car mot done.

Now don't want to be ungrateful.!!
He has a v kind nature.
But I am struggling with the fact that I try to do things according to what I know he likes ,but he expresses care according to what he likes . So I don't get a suggestion of a night out , etc - which I would really so appreciate.

I feel that am partly bu and partly not !
I yearn for romantic type little gifts / a night out planned etc
Have talked about it in the past many times, and whilst he knows that I appreciate his practical side , he has said he will try to be more expressive in the way that I would really enjoy. But this only lasts a week or son, then he goes back to type.

Am I b u to explain the small things that would give me pockets of joy?
expect him to adapt?

or am I best just to accept and try not to want those things in a dh ?
I feel shallow- but they are really important to me and how I feel valued ( which he knows) .
Do I work on accepting he will never do it ? I have asked many times and I really feel that nothing will change.

Has he told you his is food & action or have you just assumed thats what it is.

Every guy likes having nice food & stuff done for them.

Yes - he said that . I asked him a long time ago .

Doing your MOT is life admin not an expression of love. Don’t kid yourself.

And don’t settle. You’re clearly not happy

MartinChuzzletwat

also finds car parts to keep my loved van going - thats the eg he said today .

This is a really interesting question. I suspect you’ll get a variation in responses. For me the idea of someone doing life admin for me is more meaningful than gestures or surprises, because it’s what would make a difference to my too busy life. And after years of marriage wanting romantic gestures seems a bit needy to me. But as you rightly point out - we’re all different!

For things like nights out etc does he enjoy those too? Does it make a difference if it has to be you that suggests it or is what would really make a difference to you not the time together but him taking the initiative on it? I think you do have a point that knowing what matters to you, he should make an effort to do some of that stuff sometimes. But I can also see from his point of view (being the more practical and less romantic one in my own marriage) that when you don’t value that stuff as much it’s easy for it not to occur to you to do those things whilst you’re busy doing lots of practical stuff to keep all the balls in the air.

Emotionalsupporthamster
Interesting!
I dont value the practical as much as little gesture s I suppose - because they come naturally to him and Id like him to make an effort in ways that I value if that makses sense.?

But yes I get the point - he is more busy doing those practical things.

Id like him to initiate nights out - although I am mainly the social organizer- he says I bring the ‘ sunshine’ to him and make fun things happen- but when I do Id like him to show more enthusiasm- as in today there is good music on at out local and i said should we go for an hour.. his initial response - too busy- which am used to- then backtracked.
I guess I shd appriciate his practical and he should appreciate my bringing us music and things like that.

I do get tired of making suggestions- I often go on my own and I appear single as am often at gigs etc alone -when friends have their partners there, and I go to the local pub by myself too.

I do practical things tho of course-
I do most of the housework, cook from scratch daily, mostly do lunch when he his own( self employed) food plan and shop.

I love it when I come home and DH has done something around the house that was either on my to do list or a complete ball ache neither of us really fancied doing. Surely that's better than flowers. Every week he blitzes the house on a Friday, puts dinner on then takes DS to swimming lesson so I walk in after work to a clean tidy house, dinner cooking away in the oven and he returns with a tired and showered child. Bliss.

Please try to stop thinking and saying 'love lamguage' it's such a silly way to describe the fact that people have different personalities and do things differently, and makes you sound very intense and high maintenance. If you'd like him to do things differently, just ask him. If he's kind I'm sure he'll make the effort. No need to overthink it.

You have read that book, haven’t you @Eeehbahgum - it’s mostly a load of simplistic rubbish. Treasure what you have and keep communicating - and maybe explore some different relationship gurus, e.g. Gottman and Levine.

ETA: stop doing most of the housework. Him pulling his weight is WAY more important than romantic gestures and the like.

DH does things for me like plugging my phone in before bed. Tiny but so significant as I often forget to do it. If I'm annoyed with him, the 'punishment' i favour is removal of little things I do for him. When he's back in my good books I resume doing them for him. I think all that stuff is much more important than treats and flowers.

My love language is acts of service. That is because I live on my own and I struggle as I work full time and run a business. I have a boyfriend who I don’t live with. Super unhelpful when I first met him but he is sorting out a job in my house today. I had to push him to do it. It’s what he does for a living which is why I want him to do it for me. (I also do lots of things for him.)

So personally I would prefer the practical things rather than gifts. I find they are easier to push for as well.
For example: can you ring x to sort out the flooring for me? Have you managed to book that flooring guy for me yet?

But in your example you can’t really ask for gifts. You could organise a date night for him and then say next month it’s your turn. Then write it on the calendar and remind him it’s up to him to organise something for that night and you can’t wait. It’s difficult as people rarely change so it won’t come naturally to him.

Are people still going on about ‘love languages’ in 2025?! They’re nonsense. I thought that we, as a society, had accepted that and consigned them to the rubbish heap with Myers Briggs.

You want your husband to do certain things. He’s not doing them. Ask him why. Straightforward communication. Ideally without waffle about ‘pockets of joy’ and how you both give and receive care (unless he’s as into self help speak as you appear to be).

What if she asked him and nothing changed?
I feel that it’s the question OP’s asking.

Your husband sounds like me ,if someone is upset about something, I try to find a solution . I will clean my daughter's bathroom or lounge because she works and has a toddler rather than buy her a bunch of flowers to cheer her up. This is who your husband is , he loves you , he just shows it in the way he knows how to.

Gosh it sounds like ALL he does is book the car MOT and you are living a single life doing all the housework, cooking, laundry and then taking yourself out to the pub or to a gig, alone, because it's better than missing out altogether.

It sounds hollow and lonely and crap. Is it?

5128gap

love language is not silly . This was part of a sermon in church about understanding each other .

He does make the effort - but then goes back to not doing .
if I didnt make the effort we would never do anything. i am not high maintenance at all- I want my dh to join me in the local pub occasionally, and buy a small gift every so often !

if she asked him and nothing changed?
I feel that it’s the question OP’s asking.

Yes thats it - have asked . Nothing changed .

Sorry, I can't get past 'love language', it's such a ridiculous term and if DH asked me what mine was I think I'd burst out laughing. Different strokes and all that I guess.

He expresses care in a certain way. As long as he is doing this, genuinely (and isn't just say expressing his love by doing something that he genuinely enjoys and is doing anyway) and your relationship is otherwise good then honestly i think it's wrong to try and change people. If you wanted someone who expresses their feelings with gestures you should have got with someone who did this, not got with someone else and tried to change them. In my opinion (appreciate others will say he should make an effort. But I think its difficult when it isn't something that comes naturally)

ForZanyAquaViewer
yes i have asked him why he does not do those things- he says he doesn’t think that way and considers practical things expression of care.
When I ask him to he does - then not again.. thats the issue. it’s because he had to ‘ try’ to remember / do it and he forgets / it does nr come naturally .
When I remind him he will do it - but we are in a cycle as he has to try and then reverts to usual way of being. So now I am wondering if I should just give up , and try to appreciate the fact he maintains my van .

Personally I’d forget this bollocks of love languages and instead have an open talk about what it is you’d like to make you feel loved and seen.

I would also find out what he wants as well.

Don’t use the term such as “acts of service” just be open and clear.

A partner who sorts your life admin out for you is great but if you want the odd surprise then say.

Not sure this is worth a lot of worry though but I appreciate we are all different.

Just as a warning, you sound like a very good friend of mine. She is now mid 50s with two divorces behind her. She said she wanted surprises, the gestures and the (to her) thoughtful gifts but she’s had this and it hasn’t made her happy. Now she says she wants someone kind and reliable but even so, she’s chasing the men with the trinkets. I’m not sure if she will ever have that happy relationship she wants.

DidILeaveTheGasOn

No he works as do I . But not full time as we are older.
It feels like flat mates - I run the house day to day , he does the ‘ big’ stuff.
I like to plan holidays, days out , go to pub , invite people for meals( his first question - how long are they staying?)as well as quiet times.
He does not plan stuff- he has always wanted to gonto a certain place , tho , mentioned it ten plus years- the dc gave him the money to go to encourage this - 3 years later - not gone.

I just feel that i am also bringing the interest to the relationship ( re outside things and internally) .

Just seen you’ve spoken with him.

In that case, maybe he’s not the man for you. Think about what he does and doesn’t do. If it’s a deal breaker then it’s a deal breaker.

Some people aren’t spontaneous, gift/surprise givers and that’s OK as long as they do show love and commitment. If what he offers isn’t enough, then you have don’t have to stay.

I do ask ! i also dont use the love language thing to him. I am direct .
I used the. Term of a way of explaining. That is all.