To be annoyed with dh even though he is kind - If so - tips please as probably bu!

[Eeehbahgum]

My dh expresses care via -
1 taking action when I am upset -say if there is an issue at work ,he will listen , advise .
2 he express care via practical things.eg doing the mot appts for the cars.

I know that we all have out different love language’s - re how we express or receive care.

For example- I know his is food and action - so I bake healthy treats and good meals for him .
ie i try to notice his love language that he feels cared about- do it his way .

The issue is he expresses care for me according to what HIS love language is - so he does practical action things for me - when he knows that mine is surprises, gestures, arranging time together… little ( not expensive at all) gifts-but instead I get my car mot done.

Now don't want to be ungrateful.!!
He has a v kind nature.
But I am struggling with the fact that I try to do things according to what I know he likes ,but he expresses care according to what he likes . So I don't get a suggestion of a night out , etc - which I would really so appreciate.

I feel that am partly bu and partly not !
I yearn for romantic type little gifts / a night out planned etc
Have talked about it in the past many times, and whilst he knows that I appreciate his practical side , he has said he will try to be more expressive in the way that I would really enjoy. But this only lasts a week or son, then he goes back to type.

Am I b u to explain the small things that would give me pockets of joy?
expect him to adapt?

or am I best just to accept and try not to want those things in a dh ?
I feel shallow- but they are really important to me and how I feel valued ( which he knows) .
Do I work on accepting he will never do it ? I have asked many times and I really feel that nothing will change.

Wishihadanalgorithm

yes I have spoken to him - ive asked many many times - he does it for a little while then stops doing so .
He can see that our dd is regularly treated to small things by her d partner and how much she values it.
It feels important to me . when I first met him , he got me a small gift - its on our window sill and has been for years as i love it .visual things and token s are important to me - always have been . For eg just before my dad died he bought me a small gift - a teeny book- I treasure it .. our ds went abroad- he bought me a note book- again - i love it - its shows thought .

My dh also shows his love in practical ways op. On the rare occasion he brings me flowers it feels a bit forced because even though I think I like spontaneous gifts, I don't really and he doesn't see the point. He also goes to the pub on his own because I don't enjoy it although we do go out for lovely meals together and to gigs. Is there any social activity he likes? I don't like spontaneous going out - I like to book something a good month in advance so I know what's coming up and can look forward to it. Maybe your husband is more like that? You need to discuss it again but also to accept he might not change. There might be ways to get what you want a bit more though.

Wishihadanalgorithm
yes. He does show love and commitment- he will make me a cuppa , be kind if I am tired, get oarts for my van , ( love my van ) - but he never
organizes a suprise gift , and afternoon out .
maybe it s my fault that I domt feel loved when really he is making an effort in his way.

But it doesn’t need to ‘come naturally’. You’ve asked him, he knows it’s important to you, so why isn’t he consistently trying to do these things? That’s what we do for the people we love, we make an effort. If he’s not willing to make that effort, then why is that? That’s the conversation I’d be having with him.

And you can want these things and have this conversation while also appreciating that he maintains your van.

I think this is bigger than the no surprises and gifts thing. Not that many men do this tbh.
The bigger issue is that he seems extremely antisocial and lacking in curiosity and get up and go.
My and my husbands love languages (the theory behind love languages is actually pretty solid so i think its a good way to understand what we ultimately desire in our love relationships) are quite different. Which can cause issues.
However we do at least both have curiosity that we explore together (and apart) taking a share in finding things to do, e.g..concerts, exhibitions, theatre, walks, meeting friends, dinner etc. We did have to make a conscious shared effort to start doing this over a year ago as a combination of post-covid home dwelling and my perimeno low mood meant between us we weren't really making the effort. So id suggest you set it as a shared project to find one thing a month to do and take turns booking/planning it. This can turn into surprises (you'd like that!) as you or him can book surprise things too.
If he's not up for that then...hmmm not sure you have much to work with.

My DH also doesn’t make gestures and give little gifts and sometimes I wish he would. But he is great at sorting out life admin, and does his fair share of household chores, makes cups of tea all the time. I honestly think it’s just the way he is, he shows his care for others such as the older kids by being helpful. I feel he shows his love in this way.

ForZanyAquaViewer
He says he means to do them - then forget s after a while .

Twattergy
he is a bit ! He goes cycling x1 a week in a group. He has social needs met at work he says . He is chatty out of the house in this context.
When he gets home , he joins me for meals, but then mostly sits on the bed doing admin watching films.
He loves gardening.
I recently organized a trip of a lifetime- he loved it- but then at home-the same . It like he does not see me - he thinks about work and films amd the dc and bikes - loves the gigs I organise- but would never think of inviting someone over for food ,organise a weekend away. When I first met him , he was into independent travel -as was I - and still am !
we are both in our 60s - but we seen v different. I srtruggle with the passivity and lack of action on what feels important to me . For eg he rarley rings our dd and she notices that . yet he can be kind .

My hubby is just like yours OP! OK, he's older (79 this week) and definitely wasn't raised in an atmosphere of giving loving gestures eg: flowers, surprises etc. My parents were just the opposite until death parted them. I occasionally yearn for a romantic gesture but I knew what he was like before I married him. Having said that, he's my rock, has 100% got my back, very generous and is adored by my children from my first marriage. He's has also got a great sense of humour which is a good gift!

Cool. The question is why, though? Why isn’t what you need important enough to remember. That’s the conversation.

Stop saying ‘he can be kind.’ He can be as kind as he likes but it also sounds like he’s a massively boring man - and doesn’t meet any of your needs. You’re not in love anymore or compatible. Move on.

Life isn't a Taylor Swift song, you sound like very hard work.

Why don't you work with his love language? Give him practical, measurable things to do for you. Like, say to him I would like to go out on the first Friday of every month. Some choices are restaurant, pub, concert, cinema. Etc. Get him to put a reminder on his phone. So then he has a task he can carry out - which is how he feels most comfortable.

I know it's not all sparkles and suprises, but a longterm relationship is about compromise. And at least this way you get some fun nights out!

The question is if he appreciates that you are doing this stuff?

You sound like hard work. Life is not a Bridget Jones movie.

Tell him to come with you to the pub, that that's a good way to show he cares.

It depends. If she's asking him in the way she wrote her post, and he's not into all this flim flam about love language, then I'd imagine she'd struggle to keep his attention long enough for him to grasp the nub of the thing. If she's saying "could you arrange a day out for us on Sunday" and he refuses, then she needs to weigh up how important that is when balanced against his good points. Like we all do when we're in relationships with our imperfect fellow human beings. Good balanced against bad, and you go or stay based on where the scale falls.

Charabanc · Today 19:10

Why don't you work with his love language? Give him practical, measurable things to do for you. Like, say to him I would like to go out on the first Friday of every month. Some choices are restaurant, pub, concert, cinema. Etc. Get him to put a reminder on his phone. So then he has a task he can carry out - which is how he feels most comfortable

yes - done all that- ( good thinking tho ) - it works at the beginning and then wanes and he forgets.

tripleginandtonic · Today 20:54

Tell him to come with you to the pub, that that's a good way to show he cares.

I did this evening. Great band on early so that he could be back early - one hour . He said he was too busy. Saw my face - said oh oh — ok I will think about it .. this is when I wrote this thread .
Had anticipated the response . The thing is i can only suggest it do many times- then I sort of feel like just going by myself .

This is a ridiculous response.

ForZanyAquaViewer · Today 18:30

Eeehbahgum · Today 18:20
ForZanyAquaViewer
He says he means to do them - then forget s after a while .
Cool. The question is why, though? Why isn’t what you need important enough to remember. That’s the conversation.

i asked him - he just repeats that he intends to remember - and he knows he must try harder .
he also says that if I appreciated the practical things he does more he thinks he wd be more likely to do the other stuff.

Absolutely ridiculous.

Then he’s being a dickhead (sorry) and I’d be very cross indeed.

As an aside, you can respond to (and quote) comments by clicking on ‘quote’. Bottom left hand corner of every comment. Just in case you didn’t know.

ForZanyAquaViewer
no didnt know that! Thanks!

why he is a dickhead then? I mean is i lt the forgetting???( He says he is often busy mentally )

I don’t think he sounds like a dickhead. OP sounds like very hard work.