To be annoyed with dh even though he is kind - If so - tips please as probably bu!

[Eeehbahgum]

My dh expresses care via -
1 taking action when I am upset -say if there is an issue at work ,he will listen , advise .
2 he express care via practical things.eg doing the mot appts for the cars.

I know that we all have out different love language’s - re how we express or receive care.

For example- I know his is food and action - so I bake healthy treats and good meals for him .
ie i try to notice his love language that he feels cared about- do it his way .

The issue is he expresses care for me according to what HIS love language is - so he does practical action things for me - when he knows that mine is surprises, gestures, arranging time together… little ( not expensive at all) gifts-but instead I get my car mot done.

Now don't want to be ungrateful.!!
He has a v kind nature.
But I am struggling with the fact that I try to do things according to what I know he likes ,but he expresses care according to what he likes . So I don't get a suggestion of a night out , etc - which I would really so appreciate.

I feel that am partly bu and partly not !
I yearn for romantic type little gifts / a night out planned etc
Have talked about it in the past many times, and whilst he knows that I appreciate his practical side , he has said he will try to be more expressive in the way that I would really enjoy. But this only lasts a week or son, then he goes back to type.

Am I b u to explain the small things that would give me pockets of joy?
expect him to adapt?

or am I best just to accept and try not to want those things in a dh ?
I feel shallow- but they are really important to me and how I feel valued ( which he knows) .
Do I work on accepting he will never do it ? I have asked many times and I really feel that nothing will change.

if you believe he’s trying to be kind, accept him as he is or leave him. To some extent my DP is similar but I accept him the way he is and I acknowledge I’m not perfect. If I thought he wasn’t trying to be kind, that would be different.

I’m going to copy/paste: That’s what we do for the people we love, we make an effort.

He knows what you want, it really isn’t that hard to do, he’s just not bothering. It’s not important to him, so even the quite small amount of effort required is apparently too much. That’s a dickish way to treat your life partner.

This would also annoy me: he also says that if I appreciated the practical things he does more he thinks he wd be more likely to do the other stuff.

There are a surprising number of posters on MN who think that having any expectations at all in a relationship makes you an entitled loon, so you’re getting very mixed responses.

maybe you can try to see yourselves as a team- you okay to your strengths and he plays to his- to work together well.
I feel you have maybe have daddy issues that are being played out in the marriage… maybe at this time of your life it would be good to access a few sessions of therapy for yourself to explore your feelings of being loved and why tangible gifts and things mean more to you than acts of service etc. I don’t mean that suggestion as an insult at all- we all deserve to understand ourselves better!
But fwiw I think you need to start seeing your husband in the good light and stop wanting him to be something and someone he is not.

The question here is why is your DH (like SO many men) completely useless at planning things and arranging things that you've clearly stated that you like, and are important to you?

The answer is simple OP - because he can. Because you put up with it. Because you complain for a moment, then go and do things by yourself, letting him off the hook. Because you will still do all of the nice things for him, despite him doing very little for you in return.

My advice? Stop being a doormat, and tell him it isn't good enough. Very clearly. Otherwise this will continue as is, until the resentment grows and all of a sudden, you find yourself single because you've had enough of having your needs ignored for so long.

Maybe he is a dickhead - or maybe he is just fed up with being pushed into some ‘love language’ way of communicating that the OP is desperate for…

72% currently think OP is being unreasonable. That’s not really a mixed response.

If he does your MOT without being asked, isn't that in itself a surprise, a gesture and possibly a gift (depending how your finances are arranged)?

Why?

For the love of god, him being a kind person doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. You’ve outlined you find him boring, unsociable and uncommunicative - just separate.

Oh the somersaults women will do to believe someone loves them

I don't think you sound hard work at all OP. You try to meet him where he is by giving him things you know he appreciates and he doesn't try in the same way. It's just selfish. You're not unreasonable.
I appreciate small tokens immensely too. Souvenirs, flowers, letters or notes - to some of us they're important, a tangible thing you can hold or see and remember someone chose it for you. Not everyone feels love through that mechanism but some of us do and that's OK, not hard work.

My husband really likes a massage or back scratch, it makes him feel loved so I do it fairly frequently. He offers it to me sometimes but I don't want it unless I actually need a massage for particular stiffness or something. If he wants to make me feel loved, he could bring me home flowers for no reason other than he knows I like them. But he doesn't often - he gets flowers on valentines day sometimes and they are almost always a bunch of his favourite flowers, not mine. It's a bit low effort and shit. I don't offer him massages because it's natural to me to be rubbing someone else's foot while we're watching telly! Except it almost is now because I've done it often enough to get used to it.

OPs husband could get more natural at the loving gestures she needs if he practised harder.

I think that it's harder than you think to change the way you express love towards someone. For example I don't rate presents highly at all (my love languages are words and touch) and I would really struggle to keep buying my DH presents if he wanted them (luckily he doesn't). I could do it occasionally but if I was expected to keep doing it I would find it irritating and pointless. I think the love languages thing is more about appreciating the ways in which your partner is showing love than expecting them to change to match yours.

Both these things can be true. 🤣

shrug If I suddenly decided to do one of my husband's chores/to-do list items it would be to go out of my way to do a nice thing for him. because I love him - otherwise generally I assume he is an adult who can sort his own MOT (or whatever) unless he said he needed my help.

Have you thought about why you need gifts and flowers to feel loved. Will he just give you a hug out of nowhere? Flirt with you, make you feel wanted and special in other ways?

I get the wanting a simple life at home thing. I’m a bit like that. I have friends who are social butterflies but their partners are homebodies and it can work very well if you both accept what the other person wants as just as important as what you want.

I also read an interesting article about why men stop booking/arranging stuff and it can be to do with them never meeting our high expectations, the restaurants not quite right or they did something that the women would have done differently and in the end they stop bothering.

I’m just paying devils advocate here but I do think the people telling you to walk over this are being a bit hasty!

When you remind him, he does what you ask for a short time, and then reverts to his natural behaviour.

So to me, that says he does love you, he is listening, he tries, but he regularly forgets because it's not important to him, and hence he doesn't internalise it as a way of connecting with you.

It's maybe a bit emotionally immature, but sounds like there's no malice in it at all. Just another not particularly emotionally astute man, and there are lots of those, especially if you're older, because society and culture did cause a lot of them to be that way.

So he probably won't change long term, but if you keep reminding him then you'll get short term improvements for a short period.

Up to you what you want to do with that thought, and whether reframing it and appreciating the things that he does do to show he loves you will overall make you happier.

It sounds to me like it’s less about love languages <shudder> and more about him being a miserable old hit who never wants to do anything fun.

I think if I asked my lovely, kind, fun loving (but totally unromantic) DP what his love language is he’d laugh or run a mile.

People don't change easily, if at all. It's foolish to expect it. Living with someone day to day, people will settle into a comfortable groove that suits who they are. So someone could be big on romantic gestures, say, during the get to know you stage, but the impetus goes once you know each other well. Life's generally busy enough without having to constantly remind oneself to act in an unnatural - feeling way.

So either you are actually incompatible and he's not the man for you after all, or he's not the perfect partner (who is?) and you adapt to the reality and appreciate what you have. It's up to you - either choice is fine.

You'll only be forever disappointed though if you expect him to be someone he isn't. But you could discuss things openly and come to an agreement. E.g. nights out - agree how many per month / year whatever and what sort, and you both agree to commit. If it were me, I'd prefer some advance notice on things like that.

I voted the wrong way. I think YABU. He sounds kind and helpful. You sound a bit demanding. Do you want him to stop doing the helpful stuff and do the romantic gestures instead? I think you’d find you soon got sick of it and wished he’d do something useful rather than a load of empty gestures that don’t actually serve any purpose other than to fit with some idea of what you think romance should be. In a life partnership you need more substance. I can’t imagine being upset that my DH had sorted out some life admin for me and wishing he’d bought be a little present instead. Acts of service, as I think they are described when talking about love language, aren’t just about doing a chore, they’re about freeing up some of your time and taking some of the weight off of you. I genuinely don’t understand why you’d want little presents instead.

I think we have the same husband! Haha . Even with hints he doesn't think that way, although he does so much practical stuff... The issue is clearly in him initiating or even responding with initial enthusiasm (as opposed to delayed onset enthusiasm!) rather than the actual time spent..we spend time together, maybe not dedicated one on one date time, but time nonetheless ,and when we are together he clearly wants to be there . It's weird after so many years marriage that a little romance or a small initiation of affection is something I feel I need, as it hasn't been something I've needed in the past! or maybe he was a bit more romantic in the past! . but life admin is tiring..and to be fair I really hate admin so I do offload a lot on him where I can get away with it so maybe that is a large part of the problem🙃

Ffs, there you all go again - it doesn't serve any purpose, why would you want it, its better to have what he's offering - you're doing exactly what the OPs husband does.

Imagine if you and your husband both like sex, but you don't particularly like receiving oral. It's fine, you don't mind, but it's not what gets you off. You ask for something else instead. When you specifically ask, he'll give the something else that time but the next time, and the next, he goes down on you again and misses the other thing out. So you don't get off.

Would you feel less frustrated and more fulfilled if your husband and everyone else kept telling you how much they enjoy oral sex and how wrong you are to prefer anything else?

The sex example works with either or. If you definitely want something other than oral every time then that’s what you want. The point I was making is that, given how busy life gets, if it’s either or with acts of service and love tokens or whatever they might be called in this context, the love tokens might be very nice, but the acts of service actually free up time for yourself. If you have young kids, both work full time, and can’t afford to outsource things like cleaning, life can be utterly relentless. If you’d genuinely rather have someone show up with a box of chocolates than do something useful like get your car MOT’d then fair dos, but long term having someone actually lift some of the weight off your shoulders will be a lot more beneficial to your own wellbeing. I’m sure having both would be very lovely, but the reality of a busy life with increasing cost of living doesn’t necessarily make room for both. If someone’s putting in the effort to make your life easier it feels rather petty to complain about your lack of flowers.

Some people are never happy.

Everyone likes getting gifts. That isn’t a love language really it’s capitalism pretending to be a love language unless you don’t mind homemade cards etc.

unless he is naturally romantic expecting him to change into a specific type of romantic on a day to day basis is unrealistic. Being a problem solver and a man of his word is romantic.

But if you don’t like it you don’t have to stay find someone who romances you the way you want.