To not see the practical point of getting married?

[Queenofswords88]

My partner and I are in our thirties. We’ve been together many years and own a house together. We’re also hoping to have a baby together (currently going through fertility issues / treatment).

We’ve talked about marriage plenty of times and he’s always made it clear that he would marry me in a heartbeat if it’s something I wanted to do, but it’s not something he cares about enough to push for. I’m not convinced marriage is for me, for various reasons including expense/stress of a wedding and a feeling that the institution is outdated/anti-feminist.

My partner works full time in a good job. I earn significantly more than him even though I work part time in a flexible role which would accommodate having a child. I have more in savings, pension and investments and more equity in the house we share.

I hear a lot of blanket advice, especially on Mumsnet, about it being essential to get married before having a child. In my circumstances, I can’t think of a single practical reason why that’s the case. AIBU?

Why go to all the effort of getting various legal contracts drawn up about NOK, POA, wills, etc
..

When you could sign a marriage contract that covers all this and more...

I would never have had a child without being married. I have a friend who gave birth to a child who needs constant one to one care - the entire earning potential of one of the parents, just gone. Thinking of it as setting up in business together is accurate.

Me and had DP a civil partnership for no other reason than he would be able to stay in the HA property if I die ( I'm older than him). We were in and out in 10 minutes and went back to work afterwards as we had scheduled in to happen during our lunch break. The only people who know about it after 18 months is DD and HMRC. As far as we are concerned it was just a legal formality, no more, no less.

This is a really macabre story but I once looked after a baby whose mother was in a coma after birth and not expected to recover. Her partner the babie's Dad had no legal claim on that child as the birth was not registered. Her mother (as NOK) came to the hospital and took the baby home. He was distraught but there was nothing anyone could do.

You can I think replace all the legal functions of civil partnership (since you don’t fancy marriage) but it’s a much simpler way of doing it. Tbh when Dh died it was the way that ‘yes he was my husband’ opened doors that otherwise would have taken more effort and time that really made me glad we were married. We did have a wedding, but I recently found out that a very old friend of mine has been married for a decade after a lunchtime ceremony, I had no idea. She’s just as married as I was.

Of course if you’ve written wills that weren’t done in contemplation of marriage, you’d need to redo them if you did have a ceremony. So that’s an additional expense.

We felt the same until we witnessed an unmarried family try to unpick multiple issues as a result of an unexpected death.

We got married shortly afterwards and many years later we still haven't told anyone, simply because we saw it as a purely financial decision and don't see the need to include family in those decisions.

Peace of mind that if either of us died, the other can just access the accounts by default and if we've missed anything like having eachother as a named beneficiary, it's covered by default. We don't need to worry about paying the bills or asking family for money for the mortgage because an account is frozen.

Thank you so much for this helpful and thoughtful answer!

I do wonder if a lot of people have a knee jerk feeling that marriage is the right thing to do (e.g. due to tradition, socialisation, internalised misogynistic prejudice towards single mothers) and then rationalise it afterwards by listing perceived benefits. But that’s not the same as an objective assessment of whether it is the best practical decision in all circumstances.

There was a thread a while back from a woman whose lawyer suggested marriage and gave all
of the legal reasons why and she still couldn’t see the “need” for marriage.

I think if you can’t see it then you can’t see it and that is fine but there are good reasons to marry particularly if you have a child.

Google the benefits of marriage and make your choice, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

Actually, OP, it's possible to argue that the only reasons for marriage are practical ones.
Given that you can already live and have a child with someone for emotional and sentimental reasons, the legal and financial implications are what make marriage different.

Eta, poorly worded, I know we can't just access the accounts, I meant it means it establishes our places in the hierarchy without a reliance on a will

I have no advice regarding practicalities in your situation.

I will say that for me, learning how to lean on someone and think of ourselves as a joint, intermingled partnership with shared goals and shared support, has been a source of personal growth for me. Marriage has been a symbol of that, not of patriarchal expression.

I went into my previous relationship with the goal of having every "symbol" hit every pitch-perfect independent feminist note, and in hindsight it was a lot of worry about something quite trivial compared to building a life together, in community with each other and with our wider social group. And when the relationship came under pressure (inevitable) my focus was on rescuing my independent self rather than our relationship - I'm happy where I am now, but with the benefit of age and hindsight I think there's a world where that relationship worked out. Luckily we didn't have children, but in your case, you're considering DC: perhaps it's time to reconsider some stances and see if they still hold in your new reality...?

My parent has some serious medical issues. They have a long term partner. Said partner has treated them quite neglectfully, which is likely to have compounded or even caused the medical issues.

I do not allow them to have any voice or involvement with my parent's affairs. When my parent eventually dies they will have no say or involvement in any funeral arrangements. They won't be consulted on anything. If my parent had married their partner they would have full authority to be involved and make decisions.

So perhaps consider scenarios such as this one?

FYI, I fairly significantly out-earn my husband and am not financially dependent on him.

If the other person is richer get married, if you are richer don't get married. That was my grans advice!

I wouldn't want to have a child with someone I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with. Being a single parent is not a life goal for me. If I was putting the brakes on the shared finances, I'd put the brakes on the kids too.

A lot of people have said I’m conflating a wedding with marriage. I’m not - the potential expense and stress of a wedding (if going down a typical wedding route) is one reason I gave for not being interested given, let’s face it, the idea of a fairytale wedding is a big part of the appeal for some people (whether they admit it or not). The fact I’m giving serious thought to the practical implications demonstrates that I’m seriously thinking about the point of marriage, not just the day itself.

My understanding is that if you don't get married

and you continue to work as a high earner

and earn more than your partner

and have more savings and investments and pensions than your partner

and there's no ill health

and no disabilities

and your child rearing is straightforward with no problems or ill health or mental health issues

and you have the very minimum time off work to look after the child

and you have the sort of job which means that you can take paid time off for childcare problems as they arise

and neither of your extended families will step in with the NOK argument at any stage

and your partner would never legally kick off about whats fair and what isn't fair, should you split

you're good to go! Yay you

My BIL was living with a woman who had adult children from her first marriage. He found her dead at home ( unknown heart condition ). Massive shock .Her children and her elderly parents met him at the hospital and told him that they were taking over now. He wasn't allowed to attend the funeral, all her things were immediately removed from his house and he has no idea where her ashes were scattered. They had been together as husband and wife for 15 years. She had worked for his company for 30 years. One minute they were together( and spouting the 'we dont seè a need to be married, it's just a piece of paper). Next minute she had effectively disappeared off the face of the earth. He had no rights what so ever

But marriage/CP does offer legal & financial benefits

Well, I’m gay and married so none of the usual ‘tradition’ ‘patriarchy’ stuff applies, and yet … we still got married. Yes because we love each other but also to wrap as much protection around our relationship and then our kids/ family as we could.

Marriage isn’t a guarantee you won’t be a single parent. I doubt many people have it as a life goal.

What country are you in?

I often seen MN posters making legally incorrect statements re "next of kin". The term isn't legally defined in the UK in the way people are suggesting.

Medically, we all choose our own. Without appointing an attorney, your spouse or partner cannot make legally binding medical decisions for you. For intestacy, that follows specific legal provisions.

But you don’t seem to want to get married. So don’t. And hopefully there will be no affairs or unexpected life changing events or deaths or illness etc for either of you.

If he was in a coma you aren't automatically next of kin. That would be his family. They would make the decision about ending treatment and not you.

I’m in the UK. This is helpful, thanks.