To wish I’d said something to this charity shop worker?

[lostalil]

I was in a charity shop today with stepson aged 5. We spent about 10 minutes looking in the children’s section at books then wandered round to the clothing. He wasn’t being a nuisance at all, I’m genuinely the first to pull him up on any misbehaviour or cheekiness.

He’d sat on a dinner style chair, not one for sale, and I looked down for about ten seconds at a clothes rail but he was still in my line of sight. The till was behind me and I glanced back to see the shop assistant giving him daggers, a real dirty look. Glanced back and DSS is just sat on the chair. I walked over to the lady working and the conversation went like this:

Me: Is everything alright?
Her: What’s the matter?
Me: I’m asking if you are alright?

She’s just glaring at me, giving me daggers.

I ended up just walking out, I’ve encountered her before whilst shopping alone and she’d been very abrupt with me at the till to the point I come home and complained to DP. I was expecting her to tell me what he’d done.

I hadn’t let him run riot, he was about a metre in front of me but I’d taken my eyes off him to glance down for no more than 10 seconds.

I heard another assistant turning away a donation, saying they’ve just got no one buying at the moment and they’re overrun with stock. I don’t really feel like returning either to be honest.

Was I unreasonable or was she?

So did the child even notice this was happening? Most children are oblivious to how their behaviour is affecting anyone else around them or how people are looking at them - so there was really no need for you to have aggressively confronted the shop worker on the kid's behalf.

The poor shop worker may or may not have been 'glaring' the child but the fact they did not say anything means that they did not want to escalate the situation, which you decided to anyway. As a previous poster mentioned a lot of charity shop volunteers are neurodiverse so may not be able to mask their expression appropriately so you were possibly acting in a discriminatory way towards them and would probably be doing them a favour if you self-exclude yourself from visiting the shop.

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes
OP: No I'm not

Not sure why you bothered posting on here if you don't want to hear opinions. I agree that it isn't nice to feel glared at, but as PP said, some people just have naturally grumpy expressions. The fact that she asked what the matter was when you asked if she was ok suggests she had no idea why you were asking, so in all likelihood she probably wasn't 'glaring' at you and was simply keeping an eye on you, which is part of her job. Chalk it up to a misunderstanding and forget about it.

Some people are just grumpy.
Your question was a worded a bit odd.
"Is everything alright" has nothing that is obvious that you were talking about your step -son.
🤔

I think you were unnecessarily aggressive and confrontational over a perceived look.

You're the one coming off abrupt and aggressive tbh

And you had already made your mind up you didn't like her so were probably ready for anything she did to annoy you

A sign encouraging kids to play with the toys??

Nor me.

Nor me. Yet meanwhile the dickheads who play stuff out loud on their phones on buses get all the daggers looks and seem blissfully oblivious to them. Weird!

No I wouldn't. If I noticed I would just ignore. I don't care enough about random people and their facial expressions to start an argument.

Tbf I have found charity shop people the most unfriendly and miserable shop staff. I have felt like a hindrance when I have taken in donations and they are never grateful. Nowadays I sell my stuff on vinted.

She might just be a bitch. Not much you can say to change her face.

She looked at your son the wrong way? Give over, OP - that's the sort of thing thick, beered-up blokes start fights over!

most people in charity shops are volunteers, they are often disabled or have mental health problems and are volunteering there because they don’t currently have the skills to work.
People have to volunteer is charity shops as community service as well so not their choice to be there.

Well you should have said so at the time then. There's not much point in carrying on about it later.

Don't go back; that's an absolutely your right and not unreasonable at all. However, I think it's really easy to misinterpret someone's affect or facial expression. If she had said something negative to or about your stepson that would be different but I couldn't blame her for looking (and wouldn't have aggressively approached her about it especially as it sounds like your stepson wasn't bothered). If she were here telling the story, I suspect most people would say that she was not being unreasonable and you were.

This is what really upsets me about women. We are often our own worst enemy. Instead of empathising and lifting each other up, people like you gaslight the OP, trying to make her doubt what she saw with her own eyes. We whinge about men not listening or believing women; why should they when fellow sisters don't even believe each other? The OP was there. She isn't crazy. She saw with her own eyes, what she saw. Why make out like she is lying or you know what she saw and experienced better than her? Were you there?

OP next time you go in there I'd have a word with one of the nice ladies and point out that this woman is hostile and abrupt and makes you feel uncomfortable to shop there. If she's like this with you, she would be like this with others. Hence the reason sales are low. They have the right to have a heads up on her and her behaviour.

Ahhh, so she's barking now!

Maybe you just have a habit of over exaggerating things.

Oh please fuck off with your "sisterhood" bullshit

People can suggest that there might be an alternate version of what happened.

OP is hardly lifting other women up either is she? Accusing this woman of being aggressive and bitchy because she may have been looking at her DSS a bit grumpily

"Always believe women" is both contradictory when women can have different stories and also insulting because women can and do lie and acting like they don't is just wrong

So…. It’s a bluff when you say you’re thinking of not returning?

🤫

Nor me

Jesus Christ I swear Mumsnet is like an alternate universe, squaring up to charity shop works for a dirty look is just wow

This is crackers. Nothing happened apart from you randomly asking her if everything was alright and if she was alright. She probably thought you were on day release.

Anyway, too late say anything else to her now. I mean I guess the shop is closed. Your only possible comeback at this point is writing a facebook status update. Something cryptic but pointed enough that she knows it's about her. Maybe "sick of haters" or perhaps "no more drama, just me and the kids now".

Me: Is everything alright?
Her: What’s the matter?
Me: I’m asking if you are alright?

You should have been more explicit. She was probably thinking "Why is this random weirdo who seems to have beef with me asking whether I'm alright with ZERO context?"

I have a rather stern neutral face (see username), and in the couple of weeks I've had two incidents of 'concerned' people asking me if I'm alright because I had an 'angry' face. As far as I was aware, I was wearing a neutral expression and and certainly wasn't angry or upset.

Having your facial expressions scrutinised by strangers isn't the greatest, OP. Even worse when they give you absolutely no context as to why they're asking such strange, random questions.