To wish I’d said something to this charity shop worker?

[lostalil]

I was in a charity shop today with stepson aged 5. We spent about 10 minutes looking in the children’s section at books then wandered round to the clothing. He wasn’t being a nuisance at all, I’m genuinely the first to pull him up on any misbehaviour or cheekiness.

He’d sat on a dinner style chair, not one for sale, and I looked down for about ten seconds at a clothes rail but he was still in my line of sight. The till was behind me and I glanced back to see the shop assistant giving him daggers, a real dirty look. Glanced back and DSS is just sat on the chair. I walked over to the lady working and the conversation went like this:

Me: Is everything alright?
Her: What’s the matter?
Me: I’m asking if you are alright?

She’s just glaring at me, giving me daggers.

I ended up just walking out, I’ve encountered her before whilst shopping alone and she’d been very abrupt with me at the till to the point I come home and complained to DP. I was expecting her to tell me what he’d done.

I hadn’t let him run riot, he was about a metre in front of me but I’d taken my eyes off him to glance down for no more than 10 seconds.

I heard another assistant turning away a donation, saying they’ve just got no one buying at the moment and they’re overrun with stock. I don’t really feel like returning either to be honest.

Was I unreasonable or was she?

I was cheery with her though! I went over smiling and asked if anything was wrong? For her to bark at me “what’s the matter”.

Maybe I was confrontational, I went over to ask if everything was okay. Would it not be at this point you’d expect them to say either, yes all good thank you or no actually he shouldn’t be sat there or whatever🤷🏼‍♀️

How long have you been married to the child’s father? If not married, there is not step child, You are trying too hard to make a point of how important the child is to you, it’s not necessary and you were very rude.

And that’s what you’ve taken from this?🤣

No, what is aggressive, is to scowl at a child who was doing nothing wrong.

Would you be happy for a stranger, to do this to you or your child? It’s passive aggressive and rude. She could have very easily have used her words.

Maybe she just has RBF. Maybe you're not good at interpreting facial expressions. You were the one being unnecessarily confrontational. Most charity shop workers are actually volunteers and a lot of them have learning difficulties or similar so would find it hard to do paid work, so yes, sometimes you do find that you don't maybe get the same customer service as you would in other shops. You can always choose to go and pay double for new goods somewhere else.

As for turning away donations, they can only store what they have room for. They are not being rude or unreasonable to turn away donations.

Much ado about nothing. Yabu

Yes. It’s a non event, I assume you are not married then.
You leapt to a negative conclusion and were rude bc a shop assistant looked the wrong way at a child you were looking after.

Charity shops where I live are turning away donations of books and clothes, they are swamped. All they want is bric a brac, pictures, ornaments, that sort of thing. Even the shop selling clothes for £1 an item (the local hospice shop) is struggling to get rid of the huge volumes of clothing donated.

This woman appears to dislike you for some reason. Were you confrontational when you spoke to her? You sound a bit aggressive.

You’re the charity shop volunteer, aren't you?

Really? Another "help, someone looked at me the wrong way and its stopping me live my life" thread?

Me: Is everything alright?
Her: What’s the matter?
Me: I’m asking if you are alright?

Obv written word doesn't always convey tone but this doesn’t sound friendly. And if she wasn’t glaring at your child then quite reasonably she’d have been confused and a bit abrupt in responding to what feels quite confrontational.

She didn’t tell the child off, she didn’t complain to you about his behaviour or yours, so from her perspective it’s quite possible she had an entirely inexplicable interaction with you.

I just don’t think it’s very kind to full-on scowl at a child to be honest. I see plenty of children about who could probably do with being corrected but it would never occur to me to glare nastily at them?

For one, if the child doesn’t know what it is they’re doing wrong, how is it helpful? Had she had mentioned it to me when I walked over, I could have stopped it and explained to him.

And two, if it’s not dangerous, I don’t believe it’s someone else’s place to discipline?

Something is missing here. I'd be willing to bet that you took your eyes off your stepson for a lot longer than 10 seconds, he was a nuisance and the volunteer was then taken aback when you tried to start an argument with her by being bolshy.

Am I right, or am I right?

My dying with second hand embarrassment for you op.

She was probably just staring off into the distance thinking about what to have for dinner or whether she needs to get bog roll rather than intentionally staring at your stepson

OP I think your should have been more specific about what your concerns were. As others have said, she may not have been aiming a hard stare at DSS, it might just be the way her face falls. Also, in my experience, a lot of charity shop workers are neurodiverse, so can come across in a way they don’t intend to. You were right to question the hard stare, but if you were so sure it was directed malevolently at your DSS, you should have sought to clarify why.

Quite possibly but as I say, she was most definitely glaring. I may have come across as sarcastic, going over quite chirpily but as I’d known from a previous interaction, she’s comes across as abrupt and rude.

I’m glad you were there, silly me for confusing her absent minded daydreaming and what was a quite mean look.

He was a metre in front to the right sat against a wall, her a metre behind me to the right and leaning over the side of the counter so not facing the front of the till and so directly opposite.

She was probably keeping an eye on him in case he did misbehave. Which children sometimes do. I think you were tne wrong to challenge her in the way you did.

You really do sound like you were looking for an argument. If someone was staring or scowling at my child, I would ask outright if he'd done something to upset them. This can easily be done in a friendly, non-threatening way, and would have put your mind at rest straight away.

I am quite confused here. How could it possibly matter if the lady in the charity shop came across as a bit grumpy? Maybe she has back ache, who knows?!

I should have been more upfront, you are right. I think I was just taken aback because I wouldn’t expect to be looked at like that as an adult, let alone a child sat & actually behaving.

Why be passive aggressive? Why not just come right out with what you meant, rather than keep asking her if she was “alright”?

I’m not saying she wasn’t out of order btw. The best way to deal with people like this is to vote with your feet.

To be honest-it sounds to me as if you were in the wrong!

I agree it's weird and I wouldn't like it, but she didn't say anything and I think it was more rude of you to approach her and confront her.

Well you could've been more articulate for sure. It would've come across quite nutty just to start on them with a chippy "Is everything all right?" out of the blue. The looking daggers is subjective as many have said here and as my nan said, "A cat may look at a queen." If you weren't doing anything wrong, there was really no need to get into it, but you sound like you're already wound up by her and spoiling for a reaction. YABU.