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AIBU?

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Original poster

Individual savings for mat leave

61 replies

Tkomet · 28/07/2025 13:29

Just thinking about TTC with DH, and decided we need to get going sooner rather then later, despite debt he has taken on himself and failed to pay off over a number of years. We'd hoped this would be gone and waited, but he has kept adding to it, so it's basically the same.

While it's just about been made manageable for him to repay and we contribute equally to household costs as we earn very similar amounts, he has little left afterwards. (This is how the borrowing has continued every time he wants something else). Since I'm not paying the debt for things I didn't buy, I have personal savings. So far neither of us have felt these should be used to pay his debts, except when he's really needed help temporarily when interest has got too much.

He has said during hypothetical mat leave, I'd need to 'pay myself' from my own savings, to make up the shortfall from mat pay to contribute my usual 50% to household costs.

While I don't expect him to struggle, and can see he just can't afford to support us both in the circumstances of the debt (but could have without getting into it in the first place, or getting out of it successfully), I can't help but feel upset that he thinks I should save up to finance being out of work to look after our child for us both.

What should be the correct way? Perhaps some see if as we're married I'm meant to have paid half his debt? Or we should share all money already despite different attitudes and spending? Or is this different in that it's truly joint?

OP posts:
WTF987 · 28/07/2025 13:33

I'd be thinking long and hard before tying myself to someone so fiscally irresponsible. How are you going to afford all baby things? If he's still borrowing more how is he going to pay his half of nursery fees? Or is that going to be all your problem too?

When I was on maternity leave we split according to income. If i was off on full pay we split 50/50 (we earn the same). When I dropped in pay (imagine me earning £500 a month and him £2K) he would pay 80% of household expenses as he was bringing in 80% of income. Had the bills etc come to more than our combined earnings, then it came out of savings 50/50.

theresapossuminthekitchen · 28/07/2025 13:35

Don’t have children with him. Honestly. You have been given a gift here in that you have found out before you’re pregnant what so many only find out when it’s too late - you will be expected to make all the sacrifices and he will continue to buy what he wants even though he can’t afford it. And it won’t stop at not splitting the costs; he will almost certainly not share the parenting or the housework because ‘you’re at home all day’. Even when you go back to work, you’ll be the default parent and you’ll have got into the habit of doing everything while he carries on as before. He needs to solve his debt issue - extra hours/second job and stop spending - and then there needs to be an agreement on maternity leave costs that recognises the value of the work you are doing (how much would childcare for a baby cost? - that’s your contribution to the household finances).

thelittlestbird · 28/07/2025 13:35

I think the issue of the debt is a bit of red herring here. Me and DH saved equally to fund my mat leave, enough so that I was ‘paid’ the same amount each month as normal and then made the usual contribution to the household bills. So I suppose DH funds half of my maternity leave. But we both tightened the purse strings to manage this, and it was a struggle! I’d never have expected him to just be able to cover everything. That seems really unreasonable to me. Not to say impossible, given his earnings and our outgoings!

ReservationDogs · 28/07/2025 13:37

Christ, dont have a child with him

thelittlestbird · 28/07/2025 13:38

to echo PP, this sort of disagreement pre kids doesn’t bode well for parenting together…

Freshstartyear25 · 28/07/2025 13:39

Basically, what you’ve seen now is that he can’t afford to support your family whilst you’re on maternity leave because if he does not have any extra money after servicing his debts, he’ll just be getting into more debts to cover your living expenses whilst on Mat leave.
It won’t get better when you have kids because it appears you still need your same level of earnings and he can’t afford more on his own so paying for childcare, baby things, the added cost of living, etc will definitely fall on you more. This is one situation where I would say you should hold off TTC. He needs to get another job ideally and tackle his debts because it won’t get any better

Wirdle · 28/07/2025 13:40

Why is he in debt? Low wages, gambling, no self control with spending, time out of work etc? The reason would determine what I'd do but my gut reaction was: christ do not reproduce with this man.

Meadowfinch · 28/07/2025 13:41

So every time he wants a new bike, or holiday or golf clubs or whatever, it's fine for him to add to his debt.

Now he expects you to cover his half of the cost of a baby ! Err no.

Be warned. This is a man who will expect you to pay for everything related to his child. He will expect you to manage all the childcare issues and costs. He won't be taking time off to cover school holidays or when they are poorly.

This is a man who intends to carry on living like he is single and in a house share.

I would seriously rethink having a child with this man.

Original poster
Tkomet · 28/07/2025 13:42

I suppose the debt might be a bit of a red herring. It just is the reason why he won't be able to stretch to, for example, covering 80% to my 20% to be proportionate to individual income. I guess this is no different than it would be if I were the higher earner of the two, and if he needs see his salary as spoken for and not for spending, maybe I have to accept it's as though he earns much less.

OP posts:
BagGreen24 · 28/07/2025 13:42

theresapossuminthekitchen · 28/07/2025 13:35

Don’t have children with him. Honestly. You have been given a gift here in that you have found out before you’re pregnant what so many only find out when it’s too late - you will be expected to make all the sacrifices and he will continue to buy what he wants even though he can’t afford it. And it won’t stop at not splitting the costs; he will almost certainly not share the parenting or the housework because ‘you’re at home all day’. Even when you go back to work, you’ll be the default parent and you’ll have got into the habit of doing everything while he carries on as before. He needs to solve his debt issue - extra hours/second job and stop spending - and then there needs to be an agreement on maternity leave costs that recognises the value of the work you are doing (how much would childcare for a baby cost? - that’s your contribution to the household finances).

I agree. Children are so expensive why would choose to have a child with someone already in debt and who is already saying that the financial burden should be yours.
Who we be expected to pay for childcare fees when you return to work and all the the other expenses that come with raising a child.
Surely if he really wanted children his priority would be paying off the debt like he agreed not adding to it. Too many red flags for me!

outerspacepotato · 28/07/2025 13:45

Babies are expensive. Your husband is financially reckless and impulsive. He can't get out of debt, so he expects you to pay half of the bills from your savings while you are on maternity leave instead of he providing for his pregnant wife and future child.

I think you're foolish to have a child with him in this financial situation. He's not doing a damn thing to change, he just wants you to pay out your savings.

He's not going to change. Your marriage is going to founder due to financial incompatibility.

thelittlestbird · 28/07/2025 13:46

Sorry, when I say red herring I just mean that the reason for discrepancy in disposable income doesn’t really seem important here. The baby is both of yours so in my view you should both be impacted (financially and generally) equally. If you can’t both afford to save to fund mat leave and subsequent childcare costs, and you don’t both agree on a compromise, it’s not off to a good footing.

Ecrire · 28/07/2025 13:47

The savings debt issue isn’t your problem. Your problem is that you feel unable to call it a day on this relationship and walk off.

BlondieMuver · 28/07/2025 13:48

I think you need to think long and hard about having dc with this man...

Honon · 28/07/2025 13:53

I agree op that the debt is a red herring. Mumsnetters are generally a fiscally sensible bunch but the fact is ongoing debt is the norm for many families.

The serious issue is his attitude to your mat leave and refusal to work in financial partnership with you, it's outrageous for him to say it's all your responsibility to save up for it and suggests minimal commitment to having a family unfortunately.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/07/2025 13:53

He can’t afford children. And they don’t get cheaper.

Kitkatfiend31 · 28/07/2025 13:54

I agree with the posters saying don't do this. How will he pay his share of baby/nursery costs? You both need to go have another look at this or could both end up in a lot of debt.

Treatingmyself · 28/07/2025 13:56

this Isn’t a good foundation for a baby.

Richiewoo · 28/07/2025 13:59

Id think twice about having a child with someone so financially irresponsible.

twobabiesandapup · 28/07/2025 14:00

OP I’d be really careful about conceiving with this man at the moment, because if he’s struggling to live within his means without children he’s going to spiral downwards after they’re born - they’re not cheap and the costs will be ongoing!

When my partner and I found out each of our children were on the way we both contributed £1k each into my maternity savings account every month during the lead up to help with costs once they were born, despite me earning more than my partner he has always wanted to contribute an equal amount which is how it should be. So I think with your situation his reluctance to contribute equally is a bit of a warning sign

CasperGutman · 28/07/2025 14:01

Will this child be the responsibility of his or her mother, or will it have two parents? He should contribute. Unfortunately he doesn't have the financial maturity. :-(

DaisyChain505 · 28/07/2025 14:03

I wouldn’t be putting myself in to the vulnerable position of having a child with a man who is so financially irresponsible.

AlwaysFreezing · 28/07/2025 14:03

Without the debt could he afford the example 80/20?

LavenderBlue19 · 28/07/2025 14:05

If he has no spare money because of debt, and he's not clearing that debt, who is going to pay nursery fees? Who will buy nappies and wipes and baby clothes? School shoes? Holiday club fees?

It's going to be you, isn't it.

Juiceinacup · 28/07/2025 14:24

He seems to be treating the thought of a baby as some little hobby for you that he will expect you to fund totally.

Not meaning to be alarmist but what if you or the baby were to be ill after the birth, what if you couldn’t go back to work after maternity leave? It doesn’t look like you could depend on him.

if you want to keep the relationship going you’ll need to agree a plan going forward no trying for a baby until he pays off the debts or at least pays off a chunk, more importantly he doesn’t add to it.
Then have a proper conversation about how to share baby related costs, children cost for at least 18yrs so maternity leave is only a tiny part of a much bigger picture.