Individual savings for mat leave

[Tkomet]

Just thinking about TTC with DH, and decided we need to get going sooner rather then later, despite debt he has taken on himself and failed to pay off over a number of years. We'd hoped this would be gone and waited, but he has kept adding to it, so it's basically the same.

While it's just about been made manageable for him to repay and we contribute equally to household costs as we earn very similar amounts, he has little left afterwards. (This is how the borrowing has continued every time he wants something else). Since I'm not paying the debt for things I didn't buy, I have personal savings. So far neither of us have felt these should be used to pay his debts, except when he's really needed help temporarily when interest has got too much.

He has said during hypothetical mat leave, I'd need to 'pay myself' from my own savings, to make up the shortfall from mat pay to contribute my usual 50% to household costs.

While I don't expect him to struggle, and can see he just can't afford to support us both in the circumstances of the debt (but could have without getting into it in the first place, or getting out of it successfully), I can't help but feel upset that he thinks I should save up to finance being out of work to look after our child for us both.

What should be the correct way? Perhaps some see if as we're married I'm meant to have paid half his debt? Or we should share all money already despite different attitudes and spending? Or is this different in that it's truly joint?

He has an addiction and that addiction is himself. And you say he has no inclination to resolve it.

Do not ever marry him, do not take on a mortgage and find someone else if you really need a child.

Sorry, just seen you are married.

Find someone else.

Ignoring everything else about whether it’s a good idea to plan to have a child in this situation (because loads have commented, but most comments seem very ivory tower based).

At a very very practical level, mat leave is child care. Most two parent households see child care as a joint cost. So the earnings lost through mat leave are a joint cost to cover between the two parents. Be that through savings, through changing the budget things work to, or whatever.

How much is the debt? Like £15k that may be manageable if you pick up a bit of extra household costs and he could pay off in a year or so…or are we talking 50k+?

DC are expensive. How will you fund raising a child after maternity leave?

Jesus Christ DO NOT HAVE BABIES WITH HIM

You will be taking time off to give birth to and raise HIS CHILD. He should be covering the shortfall.

Well if after contributing to households costs and paying his debts he has hardly anything left, then it doesn’t seem like there is any option but for you to fund it, because it sounds like he literally can’t.

But what is wrong with him? He said he’d sort the debts but instead has just continued to add to them? It doesn’t sound like he’s in debt because he’s paying for necessities so why can’t he get a grip of it? Is this a sensible person to have a child with?

Throw this one back. Bet he thinks while you're at home you can clean, do the dinner, do all domestic admin etc. Then you should be taking all the time off work when your nursery/school child/ren are ill/on school holidays. When you inevitably divorce: Why should you get any money, you've only had a pin money job/enjoyed yourself at home while he labours away.

No, of course you should not be paying 50% when you're on maternity pay. You can't afford the future you want because of this man's fiscal inability. Leave now, spare yourself this inevitable future path!

It’s not a red herring at all. He doesn’t earn less. He is fiscally irresponsible and pisses his money away and will continue to do so leaving you to be the adult in the relationship who has to scrimp and save all the time to afford living.

So when you’re on mat leave you have to pay, when the kids need clothes it’s on you, school
trip you’re paying, new car to fit kids in, you’re paying for that too. While he buys whatever he wants for himself.

Well if he can't afford for one of you to take parental leave, it doesn't sound like he can afford to have children, I'm afraid. Of course, on the one hand, your personal savings are also his as you're married. But on the other, I would be, like you be keeping finances as separate as possible under the circumstances. Although, of course, as you're married, that's not legally completely possible. It sounds as though he's been making financial decisions that affect both of you, without you

As others have said, though, it's the attitude that's most worrying. He hasn't worked to bring down the debt while you've been waiting to start a family. He sees the cost of maternity leave as a cost for you to shoulder. I'm sure you've seen the miriad of threads where mothers are (inexplicably) expected to shoulder the financial and childcare responsibilities of children. If you do this, you'd be accepting that that is the life you are walking into with eyes open, I'm afraid.

I'm so sorry you're faced with this. I can't imagine how crushingly disappointing that conversation must have been.

Why should you accept that his salary is his own to spend on himself but yours needs to cover all expenses relating to not only yourself but your joint child? Do you not think you and your child are worth more?

Because he has the income to help cover it, he just has decided REPEATEDLY to spend more on himself knowing it would impact his ability to afford a child.

This has disaster written all over it.

OP what has he spent on? It's different imo if you have to self fund your kat leave because he got made redundant and had to retrain, getting into debt...vs if you're having to do this because he wanted fancy new toys and was generally irresponsible

If you have very different attitudes to money I'd think very carefully about having a baby with him. It's one thing if he doesn't have much money to contribute to doing things with you, because he is financially irresponsible. It's quite another if he is happy to see your child go without (eg if its going to be you paying for uniform, clubs, extras...so that he can spend any extra cash on himself)

Don’t have a baby with a man who keeps increasing his debt.

Do not have children with this wastrel.

Sorry I know it's old-fashioned to see men in the "provider" role but... yes, actually?

You don't need to rely on him 100% (impossible for many people anyway these days) but the whole point of having a partner is that he can carry the load and support you during what is likely to be the most vulnerable time of your life, pregnancy and your child's infancy. That could be sharing the load but he's proposing he takes none of it? Sorry, what?!

I think married couples should generally have joint finances and plan jointly, including potentially paying off past debts unequally, if that is what maximises the couple's overall financial success - it's telling that you are (sensibly) holding off from this with him already as you know he's still adding to it.

Either get to a point where you feel comfortable jointly paying his debts (and jointly paying for mat leave) - with whatever conditions on spending and aggressive repayment that would require - or trust your gut and don't have children at all with him.

If he is in such financial straits now, it's pretty obvious he won't be able to pay for everything over your maternity leave-there's nothing much else he can do.

You can choose not to have a baby with someone so financially reckless though!!

How would he pay for nursery costs?!

You’ll get paid in the first 6 months anyway. The fact is, if he’s got no money left after paying his 50% and debts, your 50% has got to come from somewhere and your savings are the only place. What’s the alternative?

(Obviously this is entirely separate question from whether it’s sensible to have a child in these circumstances, but simply just dealing with how you pay the bills in the first year.)

Try StepChange or one of the other debt support charities. If you want children together see if he can become committed to repaying his debt and reworking his finances to avoid accumulating more.

Do not have a child with him?
He already tells you you will do everything?

Suggest to him that you do Shared Parental Leave and he'd better start saving for his 6 months of it...

I can tell from this response that you aren't going to listen.

Ddo not have children with this waster. Financially idiotic and thinks you should use your savings rather than he stops taking on debt and saves with you.

This. He can't afford to have children because he hasn't prioritised financial stability.

If you have children with him regardless, you have a lifetime of taking on someone else's responsibilities ahead of you.

There is so much more joy in parenting with an equal than a passenger.

I would not be having a baby with this man.

Hi op you should not be responsible to pay for a baby yourself just because you save if he is spending more money than he should how does he think a child will affect both of you? Will he expect you to pay for the pram etc. kids are not cheap and if he’s struggling now it will only put more pressure on you both. I read on another post recently a woman was paying for everything for the kids down to clothes holiday gifts etc. this is a joint expense and if your considering child care definitely think hard before you go ahead. His debt sounds like he is reckless tbh.

Not only should he be financially supporting you on ML, he should be paying towards the pension contributions you are missing out on on ML and the difference in contributions, including employer contributions, if you go back to work PT rather than FT.