Individual savings for mat leave

[Tkomet]

Just thinking about TTC with DH, and decided we need to get going sooner rather then later, despite debt he has taken on himself and failed to pay off over a number of years. We'd hoped this would be gone and waited, but he has kept adding to it, so it's basically the same.

While it's just about been made manageable for him to repay and we contribute equally to household costs as we earn very similar amounts, he has little left afterwards. (This is how the borrowing has continued every time he wants something else). Since I'm not paying the debt for things I didn't buy, I have personal savings. So far neither of us have felt these should be used to pay his debts, except when he's really needed help temporarily when interest has got too much.

He has said during hypothetical mat leave, I'd need to 'pay myself' from my own savings, to make up the shortfall from mat pay to contribute my usual 50% to household costs.

While I don't expect him to struggle, and can see he just can't afford to support us both in the circumstances of the debt (but could have without getting into it in the first place, or getting out of it successfully), I can't help but feel upset that he thinks I should save up to finance being out of work to look after our child for us both.

What should be the correct way? Perhaps some see if as we're married I'm meant to have paid half his debt? Or we should share all money already despite different attitudes and spending? Or is this different in that it's truly joint?

I’m not really sure how to vote, so I haven’t. Your contribution during any mat leave may not be financial per se but it’s allowing him to advance his career whilst your career stalls. Why should you have to dip into your savings to make up the shortfall whilst also doing all the childcare?

I’d counter his ridiculous suggestion with ‘fine, my hourly rate for childcare is £xx, you pay half as it’s your child too and then we’ll see where we are’.

Alternatively, just do the easy thing. Have a joint account where all bills come out of and everything in there is ‘family money’. That’s what DH and I do. We each still have a separate personal account and give ourselves £250 a month to spend as we wish. Works well 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t have a baby with a man like that. He should be planning to cover your losses during maternity leave, not have you use your savings. He should also be covering his share of all maternity and baby related expenses, everything from maternity clothing to nappies to days out with baby.

it’s not just that he can’t afford a baby, it’s that he thinks it’s ok that he can’t afford a baby and that you will pick up the slack while also growing the baby.

No baby until that debt is gone…that’s what I would say to him. And see how fast he works on it…that will tell you how much he wants a child

I think you need to work on paying off the debt first. Even if it means taking full control of all the money and giving him pocket money like a bloody child.

You’re missing the point! You think that his debt is the reason why you will struggle financially while on maternity when in fact it’s the reason why you shouldn’t have a child with someone who isn’t financially responsible. You’ll be in debt for the rest of your lives, you might end up bailing him out whether you want to or not, which might cause resentment between you.

You’ve delayed TTC in order to help him out financially and he’s done nothing but make it worse. He will keep on doing this! This is not a partnership!

You cannot afford to have children with this man. You are about to seriously disadvantage yourself financially for the next two decades as he is got about to become more fiscally responsible.

I’m so sorry but you can’t afford a child with this man. Childcare is insanely expensive and who will pay for that?

How much is his debt? How old are you both?

I was thinking the same. How old are you? I get that you want a child but could you possibly leave and find someone else? I know this sounds ridiculous but this debt is gonna follow you and hinder your life. Does he have relatives that might help now or in the future?

The debt isn’t a red herring - it’s a big red flag. You have said yourself he adds to it when he doesn’t have enough and the result is it hasn’t been repaid / reduced as it should have been. Assuming you have spoken about TTC previously and his comments now you would have to pay yourself on maternity leave I’m afraid he isn’t really taking this seriously or that into having a baby with you. If he were he would have moved heaven and earth to get the debt reduced and get you on an even keel finance wise for the future.

The fact is he hasn’t reduced his own debt and expects you to fund mat leave. He’s not willing to contribute to the cost of his own child while you financially disadvantage yourself and pause your career? It won’t get better.

I had a husband like this. I used my savings to cover my maternity leave and my own mother helped with the mortgage. I was very much in love. We were divorced within six years and I was accused of financially abusing him because I didn’t give him enough money (I shared my entire salary). Post divorce his financial contributions have been breadcrumbs designed to keep the child maint service off his back and he resents that I kept the property I owned before we were married. I predict a similar outcome for you if you go ahead and have a baby

This is a tough one OP - are you young enough to start again and still have children?
yes he’s in debt but that comment isn’t helpful. If he doesn’t think he can support you whilst you’re on maternity leave then how else can he help? Could be put a bit away to bolster your savings?
a lot of mums I know have had to save to cover their own mat leave - I don’t agree with it but it seems like women r expected to take the brunt of a lot of it these days! For some reason dads r becoming more selfish and not realising how little their lives are affected vs yours.
if you want children and you’re happy to be both parents at times, then do it, but do it for you and with low expectation of ur partner