To be annoyed that I’m being blamed for this?!

[AngelaSnerkel]

We (DH, toddler and I) went to a wedding with my mother last month. She drove to us, briefly came in for a cup of tea, and then we all went in our car.

Weeks later, she’s asked us to look for a set of keys she allegedly left on our hallway table. It’s keys to my grandparents’ house and she said she took them from her car and put them there for safekeeping.

The keys aren’t there and DH and I haven’t seen them. DM is now “very disappointed” in me for losing her keys and is going to draw me a diagram of the keys and where she left them so I can find them, and keeps messaging me to ask that I “look again properly.”

AIBU to think this is insanity?

Love that.

OP - your mom sounds batshit crazy. Does she often blame you for her own faults?

Op this brings back some awful memories.. As a dc my dm used to blame me for things going missing.. Her things like make up, clothes etc.... She was a single dm and I was an only dc... She absolutely must have fabricated stuff to have a go at me for..
Is your dm annoyed about something else and just needing a reason to have a go at you?
Ime it would have been me /my dc out shining her at an occasion for example...

Any way you could subtly look at her house/in her car? Although if you find them she'll prob say you found at yours and making up finding them in her car from what you have said so far.

It's an odd thing to do without at least communicating it to the people who live in the house you leaving the keys

What age is your mum? How often do you see her?
Is she generally forgetful, or have you noticed her becoming forgetful?

If she is starting to become forgetful, she may well have noticed herself, & could well be feeling worried or frustrated.

But of course, only you know if her words & behaviour over this fit with how she normally is!

Clear off the hall table outline a space with crime scene tape - take photo of image and send to your mother. With message about you really hope in future she remembers where she put things, and you and dh were just discussing how you both hope this isn't the first sign of dementia.

So she drove to yours, put her own car keys in her handbag and took out the other set of keys and left it on a messy table? Why would she do that? If she wanted to leave them there for safekeeping why leave them on a messy table?

She probably didn’t put them on the table. If they were in her bag, might be under her car seat/in the kerb having fallen out/under a chair or sofa somewhere. Fine to ask if you have seen them (maybe check all your bags in case someone else picked them up and dropped them somewhere thinking they were yours). Absolutely not ok to accuse/blame you!

It's crazy that she's blaming you. But I do kind of love that she needs to draw you a diagram because apparently she thinks that you don't know what keys look like.

Borrow a metal detector and use it near mother's car, house, drive etc..
Could she have left them on the table at the wedding venue?

The mere fact that it took her weeks to remember she left them there says it all...
Marbles lost.

I wonder if DM’s memory is not what it was. I have episodes of being absolutely certain that I left something in a particular place then remembering hours or days later that I moved it. If this keeps happening you might suggests she talks to a doctor.

She’s being ridiculous. She should be disappointed in herself.

You should reply with - Lesson learned, don't leave shit lying around someone elses house! 😆

Her keys, her problem. You are not five.

But to give in to bad behaviour is to enable it to continue… You see it in family dynamics all the time, the ‘difficult’ one is never pulled up on their behaviour and eventually it’s like an out of control train, steamrolling everyone…

Do you have form for looking for stuff basically with your eyes shut?

As someone who is “better at finding things” than everyone else I live with, I’d have a lot of sympathy for your mother if looking for things basically involves shaking your head and going “I’ve looked everywhere”

I think I got to the fourth or fifth post and thought, (like others) they are in her glovebox. If you all went in your car it would be madness to leave them on your hall table.

Tell her you'll have a pray to St Anthony (Patron Saint of lost things) for the keys and to St Jude (hopeless causes) for her sanity. Might stun her into silence.

These replies have made me laugh, thank you!

She hasn’t sent her diagram yet.

I hope she’s not losing her marbles, she’s only early 60s!

You need to tell her that if she was going to leave the keys there she should have told you so you could put them somewhere safer. It’s batshit for her to blame you - her keys, her responsibility. End of. Tell her she’s welcome to come and look for them but if they can’t be found it’s her own fault.

Is she normally like this Op?

A regular visitor to our household did this.

Asked me to check for her distinctive purse, was adamant it had been left. Was so disappointed I had been unable to find it and had had to cancel all the cards, there was cash in it, etc. I whatsapped several times and confirmed we'd hunted high and low, no purse found. A telling silence was the response.

Visitor came again, eight weeks later. Had found the purse in her own house...

This is exactly what I came to post.

She knows she has lost them but she seems to need to blame someone else. I would be sending her diagram straight back.

Oh well, not a serious post then?

Note to self: whatsapp a photo of the contents of the shoe cupboard to my teenager the next time he's brewing to "not find" the shoes neatly stored on the shoe rack.
We currently have a temporary ceasefire after he was firmly told to stop being "performatively inept" yesterday morning...

If only there was a BAFTA category for "not finding the fucking obvious"