To cancel visit today and prioritise myself?

[PalmaViolet1]

I’m three weeks postpartum after having a planned C-section. It’s my second baby and has been a tough transition for us all, especially my toddler. My baby was born at quite a low birth weight so I’m currently breadtfeeding, bottle feeding and pumping (when I can!). I’m feeling anxious, exhausted and hormonal.

Grandparents have already visited and during the last visit my FIL mentioned that my husbands aunt is visiting for a few days (she lives around 2-3 hours away). He wanted to visit with her and his other sister today, and although I felt apprehensive I said yes.

However now the day has come, it’s the last thing I want. The sofa is covered in baby vomit (thank you reflux!), I’ve not showered in days and we’ve averaged 2 hours sleep per night. My husband is still keen for the visit and I would feel awful cancelling as his aunt lives so far away and probably won’t come up again for a long time. I’ve only met her 3-4 times in the 15 years I’ve been with my husband, so it’s rare we see her.

Would I be unreasonable to cancel?

Of course not. Quite apart from the baby, the toddler and the sleeplessness, you’re recovering from major abdominal surgery.

Either cancel it or tell your partner to facilitate it and take the oppurtunity to go to bed for a couple of hours. If you can’t do that then cancel. Honestly I look back post c section and pushed myself way too hard and I resent it.

Your husband can clean the sofa and the house. You can go to bed and make a brief appearance to be polite but disappear again. He can look after the baby/bring them to you and take away again when needed. You aren't obliged to socialise and host, you can make this work.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, however this may also be a good opportunity to make it work to your advantage - meet for a coffee so your toddler gets a run around and you get out the house (I only say that as often even if I didn’t want to I found getting out the house helped in the newborn days) or say you’re not really up to visitors and need to rest so you have a sleep/rest when they visit. But if you just want to cancel it that’s more than fair.

YANBU but I wouldn't cancel for all the reasons you've given.

Hand the baby to your husband now, and GO FOR A SHOWER. Take a few minutes to yourself, and if you can, sleep after you've washed. Keep that surgical wound clean and you'll feel the better for the wash at least.

And put a throw on the sofa. What no one sees can't hurt them IMO.

I’d probably make it work but with dh picking up socialising and me going off to bed.

I’ve never really understood when people have babies but can’t shower. Is dh that useless? If he is then my suggestion won’t work.

Just because they’re visiting doesn’t mean you have to host. As DH is keen for the visit - DH hosts the visit… he tidies up, they’re welcome for 30-60 mins while you have a nap/shower/watch Derry Girls; you can say hi when they arrive but make yourself scarce…

hope your recovery goes well and you get the restful day you deserve

You shouldn't be a part of the visit. It's too much. If the aunt is a decent person she'll reslly not want to impose on you when you're recovering.

What are the other options? Are there other family members living nearby and dh and toddler can go there to visit? A cafe or restaurant?

Your husband can clean the house and host. Pop down and say hello and go back to bed.

Could you be honest?

Hi Aunt, we're having a tricky time at the moment with toddler and newborn, the sofa is covered in vomit and we had about 2 hours sleep last night! You're still welcome to pop in for a quick visit but just to warn you that you'll have to take us as you find us 😩

It’s not unreasonable but equally they can take you as they find you. Your husband can do some cleaning of baby sick then cope with both dcs whilst you take a much earned shower, you deserve 10 minutes of peace to recharge a bit. Once they arrive, the aunts can coo over baby, grandad can entertain toddler, your husband can do drink prep etc and you can politely say hello then disappear upstairs for a nap!

We had similar. I went to bed and let dh show off baby for a bit then he brought baby up to me and got on with serving tea and coffee.

Yes this!
I think it's a tough one but as she lives so far away if your husband is keen he needs to do all the facilitating.
Sometimes I found it easier if people were over to entertain the toddler tbh! And hold baby so I could nap.

DH cleans the sofa, and house and hosts (makes cups of tea etc). He should also make it clear before or on arrival that the visit is to be 2 hrs max and that during that time you will be taking the time to have a lovely nap.

I wouldn’t cancel, but I wouldn’t host or clean for the visit and would take the opportunity rest and let DH take over.

I maybe wouldn’t cancel, but your husband is the one keen for this to go ahead so make him do the work. Depending what time the aunt is coming, say to your husband now… “right if this visit is going ahead, the visit you want, I need you to get everything sorted. Take the baby, I’m going for a shower and a nap, can you get the house nice and ready for your aunt please?”

You are unreasonable for not having showered and taken care of yourself. Give the baby to your husband and shower and go to bed.

I’d be asleep for this visit. But if DH wanted to go ahead, fine with me.

Do this. I think it would be rude to cancel last minute, let Dp handle it

Dh needs to see his aunt...could they meet outside the house. Re the shower just give the baby to your husband and enjoy a shower and feel Abit more human. After that dh hands you back baby and cleans house. Can you get some sleep in if dh occupies toddler and baby. I know that depends on baby. Those early weeks are hard but you and dh should work together. Showering is a must for every day to look after yourself especially if dh is around. Re the aunt you could sleep whilst aunt visits. No way after c section should you be hosting.

@PalmaViolet1 id allow the visit ..
If hand baby to dh and go for my shower .
You don’t need to do anymore than that . Leave the rest to dh .

Dh could send his dad a message and ask for a shorter visit as it’s been a tough and exhausting time and you need to rest and sleep when you can .

Cancel the visit. Send them a message and apologise but say you and baby are not feeling well.

Why are you not showering? I have a baby with allergies who vomitted all the time, spesis after c section so I’ve been there. Go and have daily shower, you need it for your physical and mental health. Shower, teeth brushing and fresh PJs.

If DH wants to see aunt he can take older child and go some where to see aunt.

Honestly if I was the aunt I would be more than happy to be told that it just isn't going to work today. I understand how horrendous and exhausting these early days are, even without ceaserean surgery.

Can he take the baby and meet everyone for coffee somewhere @PalmaViolet1?

You really need to shower and take care of your wound, you don’t even need to wash your hair, but freshen your body at least.

As others have said, take the opportunity to grab some rest while your husband host his family.

Gently, if you are pumping and bottle feeding why on earth have you both only averaged 2 hours a night? Could one of you not care for the baby in 4-6 hour blocks if they are not sleeping at all, then swap?

The first few weeks are a blur, but not showering/sleeping for days on end isn’t good for you at all. I’d ask your husband to forewarn his Dad and aunt but wouldn’t cancel the visit.

I would 100% get DH to facilitate the visit. Have a nice shower and go back to bed.