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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel visit today and prioritise myself?

51 replies

PalmaViolet1 · 27/07/2025 09:13

I’m three weeks postpartum after having a planned C-section. It’s my second baby and has been a tough transition for us all, especially my toddler. My baby was born at quite a low birth weight so I’m currently breadtfeeding, bottle feeding and pumping (when I can!). I’m feeling anxious, exhausted and hormonal.

Grandparents have already visited and during the last visit my FIL mentioned that my husbands aunt is visiting for a few days (she lives around 2-3 hours away). He wanted to visit with her and his other sister today, and although I felt apprehensive I said yes.

However now the day has come, it’s the last thing I want. The sofa is covered in baby vomit (thank you reflux!), I’ve not showered in days and we’ve averaged 2 hours sleep per night. My husband is still keen for the visit and I would feel awful cancelling as his aunt lives so far away and probably won’t come up again for a long time. I’ve only met her 3-4 times in the 15 years I’ve been with my husband, so it’s rare we see her.

Would I be unreasonable to cancel?

OP posts:
IZK · 27/07/2025 09:56

What is your husband doing if you're the one worrying about about the housework and you haven't managed a quick shower?

But YANBU anyway, although it sounds as though he should be pulling his weight more.

5128gap · 27/07/2025 10:01

I'd allow the visit with DH hosting. I'd take myself to bed and let him show off the baby. I'd have a shower, and pop downstairs for ten minutes to say hello then back up. DH could bring the baby up for feeds.

JMSA · 27/07/2025 10:03

I wouldn’t cancel.

Whaleandsnail6 · 27/07/2025 10:04

Let your husband facilitate the visit.

Put some clean pyjamas on, show your face and then explain you are still recovering and going for a nap, leave toddler and baby with your husband and family and let them crack on.

It would be a shame to cancel since they live so far away and your husband wants it to happen but that doesn't mean you have to entertain. You had surgery 3 weeks ago, you are allowed to go and rest

Cherrytree86 · 27/07/2025 10:21

First things first - give the baby to your husband and shower, OP! You need to look after yourself as well as your kids, you deserve it

Shinyandnew1 · 27/07/2025 10:32

I wouldn't cancel but I would let them know you are having a rough time and leave DH to it. I wouldn't be hosting.

SugarMarshmallow · 27/07/2025 10:34

It’s not something I would of agreed to and it’s still absolutely understandable to cancel but I can’t help but feel like perhaps this might be helpful in a way, they can make themselves useful and help clean or take care of toddler. You can have time to shower and look after baby.

Also I know it’s tough in the early days but your DH should be capable to hold the baby for 10 mins so that you can shower!!

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2025 10:36

I read your OP as you were visiting them but others seem to have read it as them visiting you?

If you would be visiting them, I'd cancel. If they're visiting you, and your husband is willing to facilitate it by cleaning etc, then allow him to do that, say hello and then go to bed and leave the family to look after the baby for a while and you can sleep.

Thegreatescape12345 · 27/07/2025 10:37

If she were local I'd cancel, but given she probably won't be able to visit another time I'd honour the visit but either you make it really clear that you're struggling and they can only stay for a short time, or you go up to bed and have a rest and let DH do the hosting. If she turns up and DH tells them you're in bed unwell, then likelihood is they won't stay long anyway.
Hope you manage some rest and DH steps up to host. Also, agree with PP. Go for a shower! DH can cope with baby and toddler.

StrangledHowl · 27/07/2025 10:37

GreyCarpet · 27/07/2025 10:36

I read your OP as you were visiting them but others seem to have read it as them visiting you?

If you would be visiting them, I'd cancel. If they're visiting you, and your husband is willing to facilitate it by cleaning etc, then allow him to do that, say hello and then go to bed and leave the family to look after the baby for a while and you can sleep.

Yes, I thought you were visiting them, too.

HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe · 27/07/2025 10:37

Honestly, I probably wouldn't cancel (although that's easy for me to say).

However I hope your DH will be the one cleaning/tidying up and hosting.

You have just been through a huge ordeal and your body and mind are healing.

Have a nap this morning, if you can, take a bath or have a shower. Dress in comfy pyjamas if you're comfortable with that with family, or whatever lounge wear you have.

Sit and talk with your guest for an hour or so, take plenty of photos, enjoy tea and biscuits, whatever. Then excuse yourself and go to bed.

Elmaas · 27/07/2025 10:40

Your husband has to clean up and facilitate this.
You need to shower and mind yourself.
You had major surgery.
Don't worry about the house.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/07/2025 10:43

BabyCatFace · 27/07/2025 09:17

Your husband can clean the sofa and the house. You can go to bed and make a brief appearance to be polite but disappear again. He can look after the baby/bring them to you and take away again when needed. You aren't obliged to socialise and host, you can make this work.

This! The visit goes ahead but it’s something your DH does.

ExtraOnions · 27/07/2025 10:45

It’s a baby … your visitors expect it to be a bit chaotic.

Eenameenadeeka · 27/07/2025 10:47

Agree with other posters, DH needs to watch baby so you can shower, and then he cleans up and he hosts. You say a quick hello, and you can also take baby to your room when it is time to feed and you can rest.

mightbetheone · 27/07/2025 10:49

If they were coming to me I wouldn’t cancel no. Get dh to do a quick tidy, take this as an opportunity to get a shower and then show your face for as long as you can be bothered with. When you’ve had enough just take yourself off for a lie down.

I think it would probably cause issues to totally cancel when this relative doesn’t live nearby. If you were required to travel anywhere it would be different but I don’t think anything is really expected from you here other than a polite hello.

Boomer55 · 27/07/2025 10:51

Aunt wants to visit them.

Cleanmessyhouse · 27/07/2025 10:51

Actually OP I think the visit could be good for you and make you feel a bit more human.

I did the whole not showering thing with my first born and it just contributed to me feeling depressed and anxious. With my second, I prioritised a daily shower, even when she was exclusively breastfed. I had twins this year and my second born was only 18m old at the time. The twins were crap feeders and losing weight - it was relentless but I still had a daily shower. It is so important for your mindset and it only takes a few minutes. I would go and do that now, then see how you feel.

Not saying this to make you feel like shit btw, but because I think you’re probably stuck in a bit of a hole here and sometimes you need to pull yourself out of it, take a step back, and reset.

Ohnobackagain · 27/07/2025 10:56

StrawberryCranberry · 27/07/2025 09:24

Could you be honest?

Hi Aunt, we're having a tricky time at the moment with toddler and newborn, the sofa is covered in vomit and we had about 2 hours sleep last night! You're still welcome to pop in for a quick visit but just to warn you that you'll have to take us as you find us 😩

Definitely get DH to say something like this @PalmaViolet1

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 27/07/2025 11:02

Why aren't you looking after yourself?

Give the baby to your husband, go and have a nice hot shower (or a bath), clean, comfortable clothes on and relax. He can handle the hosting.

GiveMeAlllTheCoffee · 27/07/2025 11:10

If they're coming to you, let DH handle it and you rest. If you're going to them, that's a long drive for a young baby, a recovering from surgery mother and on sleep deprivation may be unsafe. If you're going to them, it would be irresponsible not to cancel. I wouldn't cancel if this is DH's chance to have them visit him and it's not likely to happen for a long time, though I would make him handle it.

You must have a shower. Between leaking milk, bleeding and having a healing wound, two days is too long and you need to look after yourself. DH can care for the baby.

Moonnstars · 27/07/2025 11:35

I agree with others. As it is unlikely she will be visiting again for a while then I would allow the visit to go ahead.
Also in agreement as to why you are struggling to shower and why you are both so sleep deprived. It sounds like a better system is needed. DH needs to be pulling his weight with the housework and making sure he takes the baby so that you can shower.
Perhaps when Aunt visits they can pop in to see the baby but then they can all go out to the park with the toddler for ice cream or something so that they are kept busy and you can rest up (you could also send the baby out too but depends on how you feel about that).

HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe · 27/07/2025 11:37

If it's a question of going anywhere then definitely don't feel you need to go!

Original poster
PalmaViolet1 · 27/07/2025 17:02

Thanks everyone. I decided to have them over 3-5 and have had a shower!

Re the not showering, I know it’s no excuse but it’s only been the last few days as my toddler has been very clingy and my newborn vomits every time he’s put down. I am going to make sure I get more time for self care and utilise CBeebies a lot more!

DH is amazing and does as much as he can, he is definitely pulling his weight and made today easy. Up until recently we’ve been doing shifts in the night, but my newborn is really struggling with reflux/colic and cries a lot at night so we’ve been supporting each other as it can get a bit much in a 3-4 hour stretch on your own. Maybe it’s time to try shifts again though. It’s been tough, but I know it will get better once baby is bigger and can go in a bouncer or sling.

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
Cleanmessyhouse · 27/07/2025 20:21

Well done, OP. I’m sure (or hope!) the aunt really appreciated the visit and I bet that shower felt great.

On another note, regarding the reflux, have you had any help with this? If baby was born at low weight the reflux won’t be helping them gain. 3 out of 4 of mine had terrible reflux - one was dropping centiles through the worst of it. Don’t necessarily battle through - it’s not always normal and you don’t always have to just “put up with it”. If you haven’t already, is it worth a visit to the GP about it? All of my refluxy ones did well on Gaviscon as they were formula fed, but medicines like omeprazole can be tried if it’s very severe.