AIBU to give anniversary back as I’ve been called a B***h

giveflowersbackaibu · 2025-07-27T04:12:07+00:00

Family dispute a few weeks ago with in laws. Stuck up for myself and my child. got given flowers and a card from my in laws for anniversary. DH collected them and said thank you. He was told ‘considering how much of a bi**h she was she’s lucky she’s had that’ from my SIL :( 3rd time in my life I’ve been called that word and it stung (first was teenage boy, when I was also a teen second was from a partner). It especially stung as I strongly disagree that I have earnt that given I was reacting to their bad behaviour and sticking up for myself, didn’t name call and clearly and fairly gave a balanced point when their behaviour was shoddy. husband was shocked and upset and didn’t want to tell me, proceeding to then tell me on our way to anniversary night away :( to which I cried and took a while to get into enjoying it (31 weeks pregnant might I add). He told her that was a horrible thing to say but as DC in earshot didn’t turn into a dispute per se. do I give the crystanthenums and bar of Cadbury’s back? Or to my poorly granny when I visit her tomorrow? I don’t believe in false gifts

HardworkSendHelp · 27/07/2025 05:17

Ah op that is terrible. What did you husband go and tell you that for on your anniversary and you 31 one weeks pregnant. Your sister in law was nasty to say it and he should have just dealt with her. Give the flowers to your Granny and don’t l lower yourself to their shit standards.

Rafting2022 · 27/07/2025 05:19

What was the reason for the family dispute?

Notsosure1 · 27/07/2025 05:22

What was the dispute?

Funnily enough I also find that word highly offensive as a woman, more so than cunt, or at least on a par, but others treat it along the same likes as twat and nob etc, so I can empathise there.

Why would your husband choose to tell you -
a) at all?
b) when you’re pregnant?
c) when you’re on you’re way to a night away?

Do you PIL feel the same way and the gifts were a performative gesture?

If they were just from them why would your SIL’s comments have any bearing on them to you?

Velmy · 27/07/2025 05:27

What would giving them back achieve, other than causing more trouble/hard feelings?

Sometimes it's better to take the high road. Flowers and chocolate...if you don't want them, bin them.

Original poster

giveflowersbackaibu · 27/07/2025 05:29

Notsosure1 · 27/07/2025 05:22

What was the dispute?

Funnily enough I also find that word highly offensive as a woman, more so than cunt, or at least on a par, but others treat it along the same likes as twat and nob etc, so I can empathise there.

Why would your husband choose to tell you -
a) at all?
b) when you’re pregnant?
c) when you’re on you’re way to a night away?

Do you PIL feel the same way and the gifts were a performative gesture?

If they were just from them why would your SIL’s comments have any bearing on them to you?

Dispute was a very long story but to summarise it was a weekend away that went very wrong, people were drinking (not me as pregnant), tensions got high, lots of arguing between them all and so I left when a comment finally came my way and took DC with me, messaged to explain why I left in a fair and balanced way

flowers and chocolates from SIL and a bag of gifts from PIL no idea what is in there (no issue with PIL gifts as no nasty comment just from SIL)

OP posts:

PollyBell · 27/07/2025 05:29

What relevant bits have you missed out?

Francestein · 27/07/2025 05:32

Give to Granny… then you make her happy and you don’t have to look at it all in your home and be reminded of it all until the flowers die.

Notsosure1 · 27/07/2025 05:34

giveflowersbackaibu · 27/07/2025 05:29

Dispute was a very long story but to summarise it was a weekend away that went very wrong, people were drinking (not me as pregnant), tensions got high, lots of arguing between them all and so I left when a comment finally came my way and took DC with me, messaged to explain why I left in a fair and balanced way

flowers and chocolates from SIL and a bag of gifts from PIL no idea what is in there (no issue with PIL gifts as no nasty comment just from SIL)

Edited

Show quote history

Is it a very early anniversary, like your first? bc in my experience, receiving gifts from anyone outside your partner, and perhaps your own parents, is pretty unusual - particularly a sibling-in-law. So in that regard, unless she’s being forced to by her parents or brother, (again, weird) that’s a pretty big gesture on her part in itself - maybe it’s her way of apologising to you or at least trying to smooth over the events of the holiday away?

Have you asked your husband why he chose to tell you?

Original poster

giveflowersbackaibu · 27/07/2025 05:35

PollyBell · 27/07/2025 05:29

What relevant bits have you missed out?

Been with DH for 10 years married for 3, not ever had to react to their behaviour and there has been moments over the years when I’d have been right to have said something but always bitten my tongue.

bad weekend away lots of bickering between them all, hot weather and then a comment came my way (unfair to the point the person who said it is flat out denying it) and so I ended up leaving situation with DC and taking her off temporarily
then explained my thoughts in a balanced and well written message and since then I’m the wicked witch of the west evidently

which from a family that argue constantly about nonsense I think is a bit rich

OP posts:

Notsosure1 · 27/07/2025 05:42

If they’re constantly arguing best leave them to it. It sounds like they’d find something to argue about regardless of they do it with each other anyway. Some families thrive on drama and it can be best to take a step back and try to ignore.

If your husband put you and your feelings first though he probably shouldn’t have told you what his sister said as that’s now opened a can of worms and added fuel to the disagreement - hardly likely to simmer it down. He could have conveyed that his sister was still upset but had chose to give you gifts regardless, which would have been a lot more diplomatic of him, or just kept it to himself. He’s either annoyed and lost control by telling you or he’s not as bothered about the effects on you and the baby or your relationship with his family as he should be.

Original poster

giveflowersbackaibu · 27/07/2025 05:46

Notsosure1 · 27/07/2025 05:42

If they’re constantly arguing best leave them to it. It sounds like they’d find something to argue about regardless of they do it with each other anyway. Some families thrive on drama and it can be best to take a step back and try to ignore.

If your husband put you and your feelings first though he probably shouldn’t have told you what his sister said as that’s now opened a can of worms and added fuel to the disagreement - hardly likely to simmer it down. He could have conveyed that his sister was still upset but had chose to give you gifts regardless, which would have been a lot more diplomatic of him, or just kept it to himself. He’s either annoyed and lost control by telling you or he’s not as bothered about the effects on you and the baby or your relationship with his family as he should be.

Agree maybe he shouldn’t have said but he said it upset him and he couldn’t keep it to himself

I haven’t let it ruin the time away and tried to see past it as much as possible

OP posts:

Blottum · 27/07/2025 05:49

The back story to this will be huge

and your DH told you this and didn’t say anything back

honestly some of these mumsnet families are utter shit shows. To think kids are growing up and learning from these “adults”!

Brefugee · 27/07/2025 05:50

Put flowers in the bn - give chocolate to DD?
Go LC with SIL

Blottum · 27/07/2025 05:51

PollyBell · 27/07/2025 05:29

What relevant bits have you missed out?

We will never know even close to the true story. Just the OP’s version of events. Whereby she’s as pure as the driven snow and every other person in the scenario is awful.

Always the same on these kinds of threads!

99bottlesofkombucha · 27/07/2025 05:52

Notsosure1 · 27/07/2025 05:22

What was the dispute?

Funnily enough I also find that word highly offensive as a woman, more so than cunt, or at least on a par, but others treat it along the same likes as twat and nob etc, so I can empathise there.

Why would your husband choose to tell you -
a) at all?
b) when you’re pregnant?
c) when you’re on you’re way to a night away?

Do you PIL feel the same way and the gifts were a performative gesture?

If they were just from them why would your SIL’s comments have any bearing on them to you?

He was being honest with her, I see both arguments for telling her and not, better she know what they are like. I’d ask him to take them back and in the future not to accept any two sided gift that comes with a massive insult.

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 27/07/2025 05:53

Are you the poster with the dancing toddler? If so you've left a LOT out of this post.

Yellowbirdcage · 27/07/2025 06:00

Don’t waste the gifts. That doesn’t help anything. Give them to Gran.
Hold your own. You shouldn’t tolerate being called that word and they will be reacting like this because they’ve been called out. Sounds like you have the be the mature one here and carry on with the neutral messaging and clear stance. You could try acknowledging the awkwardness by saying you heard you’d been called a bitch and feel hurt and puzzled by what you’re supposed to have done. They’ll hate that though. I’d probably never mention it again but increase my distance from them.
And maybe suggest stopping gifts for things like anniversaries. It gets ridiculous.

Original poster

giveflowersbackaibu · 27/07/2025 06:02

Blottum · 27/07/2025 05:51

We will never know even close to the true story. Just the OP’s version of events. Whereby she’s as pure as the driven snow and every other person in the scenario is awful.

Always the same on these kinds of threads!

Show quote history

All I have done is love their son, be kind to them, gifts cards and bake cakes for their birthdays, crafts from DC, be there for SIL woes at length over the last decade

bitten tongue at some strange behaviour over the years not limited but to include
FIL making pervy comments about my breasts (to do with breastfeeding 🙈)
SIL being an over sensitive mare
MIL regularly telling us she wants to divorce FIL and their bickering being off the scale worst I’ve ever seen (so bad that before marrying DH jokes were made from his friends ‘do you really want to marry into that arguing family’)

OP posts:

Original poster

giveflowersbackaibu · 27/07/2025 06:04

Yellowbirdcage · 27/07/2025 06:00

Don’t waste the gifts. That doesn’t help anything. Give them to Gran.
Hold your own. You shouldn’t tolerate being called that word and they will be reacting like this because they’ve been called out. Sounds like you have the be the mature one here and carry on with the neutral messaging and clear stance. You could try acknowledging the awkwardness by saying you heard you’d been called a bitch and feel hurt and puzzled by what you’re supposed to have done. They’ll hate that though. I’d probably never mention it again but increase my distance from them.
And maybe suggest stopping gifts for things like anniversaries. It gets ridiculous.

I now think it was performative from SIL
maybe meant in a part a good way or peace offering but also laced with malice, she’d have thought about that remark before saying it

OP posts:

drhf · 27/07/2025 06:22

These people sound very high drama. Forget about them and focus on yourself, your pregnancy and your family.

Tell your husband how you want things to be with his family as you focus on the new baby, and tell him it’s his job to protect you and the baby from any nastiness or stress coming from his parents or sister - including not repeating pointless hurtful remarks.

If their gifts are stressing you out, take them to your local community centre where they can make someone happy. Or if you are still on your anniversary break, ask reception to have them and enjoy them.

DonewhatIcando · 27/07/2025 07:08

I'd say something but I'm an arsehole.
That sort of shit would really irritate me, like it has you.
I'd put a message on the family group so it couldn't be misconstrued.
"Thanks for all the gifts everyone, absolutely lovely. @ SIL thanks for the flowers and chocolate but maybe in future try to refrain from calling me a bitch to DH, it makes you sound, well, like a bitch"
Don't take my advice @giveflowersbackaibuas im always making situations worse as I can't let any slight go 😁

Blottum · 27/07/2025 07:53

All I have done is love their son, be kind to them, gifts cards and bake cakes for their birthdays, crafts from DC, be there for SIL woes at length over the last decade

Sure you have OP. You are as pure as the driven snow.

BelindaCardAisle · 27/07/2025 07:56

So much curated story telling here.
"A comment finally came my way"
Responded via a "balanced and well written message"

Why don't you post what they said, why you flounced and what you wrote. But that probably won't get you the responses you're seeking.

BusWankers · 27/07/2025 07:57

Just don't bother with them anymore.

DH can take the kids to see them.on his own from now on.

ilovepuppies2019 · 27/07/2025 08:05

Are you the poster who went on the weekend away with DH's family and was very upset because your toddler was asked to dance in another room away from the family and the dog? If so then there is more background to this than you've put on here.