AIBU to give anniversary back as I’ve been called a B***h

[giveflowersbackaibu]

Family dispute a few weeks ago with in laws. Stuck up for myself and my child.

got given flowers and a card from my in laws for anniversary. DH collected them and said thank you. He was told ‘considering how much of a bi**h she was she’s lucky she’s had that’ from my SIL :(

3rd time in my life I’ve been called that word and it stung (first was teenage boy, when I was also a teen second was from a partner). It especially stung as I strongly disagree that I have earnt that given I was reacting to their bad behaviour and sticking up for myself, didn’t name call and clearly and fairly gave a balanced point when their behaviour was shoddy.

husband was shocked and upset and didn’t want to tell me, proceeding to then tell me on our way to anniversary night away :( to which I cried and took a while to get into enjoying it (31 weeks pregnant might I add). He told her that was a horrible thing to say but as DC in earshot didn’t turn into a dispute per se.

do I give the crystanthenums and bar of Cadbury’s back? Or to my poorly granny when I visit her tomorrow? I don’t believe in false gifts

I'm with Madonna on this one. "I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, OK".
Or in your situation 'I stand up for my principles' or 'I won't be walked over'. Or whatever fits your specific situation.
Own it.
What makes her opinion important anyway?

Get a t-shirt that says "queen bitch" and wear it whenever you see SIL?

You can only control your own behaviour. I would just act coolly and cordially, and minimise occasion where tempers will flare.
‘Oh sorry, we can’t join at your house, but can do lunch out.’ ‘Oh no we can’t go back for drinks - we will see you next time.’ ‘Oh this threat to leave fil again - would you like me to find you a lawyer or will you quit the empty threats?’
Chalk up the hours of effort and care as just done and dusted, and crack on with the relationship on your terms.

Your h was an idiot to tell you.

Might be best to step back and go LC. His family sound like a nightmare.

Just coming in here to ask if it's the norm in your DH's family to do cards and flowers/gifts for family members' wedding anniversaries? And individual ones as well, not a couple gift (or only for the woman?). In a family already prone to drama and fallings out the opportunities for offense to be given and taken there must be huge, every birthday, kids birthday, Christmas, Easter, mother's day, Father's Day, add anniversaries and you must be exchanging stuff virtually every week? Is there any way to back out of all this without causing a big issue? In my family we only really celebrate round number birthdays for the adults and golden/diamond/platinum wedding anniversaries (kids obviously get something every birthday) and even then someone always forgets or doesn't contribute or buys a bad gift or in some other way causes annoyance, if we were doing it all the time I can only imagine the angst!

Your husband is spineless

Instead of standing his ground for you against his family, he took the gifts and tattle tailed to you about what she said

Doing no one any good

Now everyone is stewing

He had his chance to nip this feud in the bud, but it looks like he's a drama llama like the rest of his brood

Oh I remember this @giveflowersbackaibu you told the inlaws you were taking the kids to play and it all got out of hand. As it is the SIL’s gift I’d have to ask her why she bothered ‘if you’re such a b*tch’. But it depends on how/if you want the relationship to continue. Your husband, while
in the middle, needs to have your back. I’m not sure he knows what to do to be honest.

So what is he going to do about it?

Sorry but if thisnis the first time you've reacted amd now he's told you in a way that spoils your anniversary and drives wedge, I think you need to question whether you're just being manipulated into riling against them.

Your husband shouldn't have told you. I have no idea why he did.
But now I would just ignore it. Don't escalate things by sending the present back. But you don't need to go out of your way to have anything to do with her in the future

Your DH should never have told you. You say he told you because it upset him but that's even more reason for him to keep it to himself.
Moreover, he should have dealt with it at the time. Told his sister it was unacceptable.
He's just stirred things up and ruined your anniversary (he did this, not your SIL as you never needed to know what she'd said).

Exactly my thought.

Other family outside my husband don’t give me flowers and chocolates for an anniversary so at the start thats a nice thing to have done.

As always in these situations instead of vilifying you SIL on MN which is so easy maybe consider why she said that about you. I’m not saying you are not that you deserve it but only you know why she would have said that.

And it’s a word and not worth crying about which tells me there is a lot more to this story and we are only hearing you disinfected side.

I think it is

The in-laws from that thread sounded overly emotional and hard work (didn't the FIL start crying about a suggested trip to the park?). In this thread they sound out of order and rather extra

I think he shouldn't have told you. Not explicitly. He could've said his sister was being rude. But there's no need to repeat the actual insult she threw at you.

I'd hope he defended you when it happened. I guess at least you know what she thinks of you.

But it could be there's something going on in her life that is making her say mean things about others. It could be not really about you at all. Horrible as it may be.

Just try and forget about her for now. You don't need her approval and not everyone has to be your best friend. You've got your own lovely family so focus on that. X

A weekend where family get drunk and argumentative. I wouldn't be going away with them again.

This is your thread isn’t it ? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5372510-stormed-out-of-family-gathering-am-i-the-holiday-wrecker?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Im sure she posted recently too.
she left out a lot as well.

It's bad netiquette to bring up previous threads

It really isn’t. It provides context which she’s missed out here

Honestly they all sound like hard work your husband included

Everyone needs to grow the fuck up

Dh should have said something/refused gift.
throw them in the bin.

I remember that thread. OP was not unreasonable to leave the Airbnb and take her dd to the park after the in laws wanted her dd relegated to a different room.

Is that why you were called a bitch by SIL, OP? Sounds like they don’t like you having any agency.

I think you should continue limiting exposure to all the in laws, not just SIL.

As soon as anyone claims they have been well balanced or describes people as shoddy, I automatically think they’re missing out key information. Shoddy sounds so judgy. If you used that tone in your supposedly well balanced message then I can see why it may not have been well received. I’m picturing a lengthy message with lots of paragraphs pointing out their wrongdoings with half hearted bits about everyone needing to take responsibility.
Your husband should not have told you at all and at 31 weeks pregnant you are likely to take everything to heart more than ever. Don’t make any long term decisions at the moment, give the flowers and choc to Granny and have a nice time with her and don’t tell Granny they’re being re-gifted!

You and your inlaws seem to spend a lot of time in each others lives enjoying the drama. I would back off and create a bit of distance.

Families like this who bicker and feed off constant drama will suck you in if you let them. The only way to win this game is to refuse to play. Do NOT react to her comment or mention it at all. It's what she wants because she needs the confrontational. Just disengage.

Stop going above and beyond for people who want to engage you in their drama triangle. Be polite but distant. SIL can fuck off if she wants to call you a bitch then come to you for venting next time she needs a shoulder. Just give polite but neutral responses and refuse to engage further, like "oh dear that sounds difficult" "oh no hope you get it sorted soon" etc. The more you do it the better you come at spending sincere rather than passive aggressive.

Agree with above @natty
They sound low class.
Suggest you step back and leave his family to him.
Drop the rope.