AIBU to give anniversary back as I’ve been called a B***h

[giveflowersbackaibu]

Family dispute a few weeks ago with in laws. Stuck up for myself and my child.

got given flowers and a card from my in laws for anniversary. DH collected them and said thank you. He was told ‘considering how much of a bi**h she was she’s lucky she’s had that’ from my SIL :(

3rd time in my life I’ve been called that word and it stung (first was teenage boy, when I was also a teen second was from a partner). It especially stung as I strongly disagree that I have earnt that given I was reacting to their bad behaviour and sticking up for myself, didn’t name call and clearly and fairly gave a balanced point when their behaviour was shoddy.

husband was shocked and upset and didn’t want to tell me, proceeding to then tell me on our way to anniversary night away :( to which I cried and took a while to get into enjoying it (31 weeks pregnant might I add). He told her that was a horrible thing to say but as DC in earshot didn’t turn into a dispute per se.

do I give the crystanthenums and bar of Cadbury’s back? Or to my poorly granny when I visit her tomorrow? I don’t believe in false gifts

OP are you The Holiday Wrecker featuring the SIL Reactive Dog Vs Peppa Pig Toddler?

I know I’m missing the point of the thread, but I’ve never heard of relatives giving anniversary presents. I thought that was only between the two people involved, at least it is in my world.

Yes

It’s impossible to know the full context and background for any post with a dilemma like this, we will only ever hear one side of the story, that’s how it works.

Flowers have been passed on anonymously to someone in the community who volunteers a lovely service

Do we have the same in-laws? My FIL is always making pervy remarks. He is about the only person I was uncomfortable breastfeeding in front of as he would stare at my breasts.

The whole family are bat-shit and always making comments about me.

io stop seeing them i remember your other thread theyre all madleave dh to visits and let them carry on

I would take great delight in shoving the flowers

through her letterbox. I’d keep the chocolate

they won’t be getting the full me again, I’m never going to say anything or make a stand as I’m only ever going to be the bad guy, and I will be ganged up on

but they also won’t have the effort from me either

Thats it OP.
Say nothing but be unavailable and busy.
Leave everything to do with them to your husband going forward.
Pleasant, polite, disinterested and unavailable.
Most effective.
Drop the rope completely.

Sounds like youve done nothing wrong op at the family dispute. In fact did the right thing removing yourself and child from a drunken toxic situation. Re the bitch comment and gift, your H is a prick. He shouldve just left the gift and stuck up for you and put SIL in her place. That would be it for me. No more access for her to me or children.

I'd send her a message to say, I received the passive aggressive flowers, you really shouldn't have bothered, using my anniversary as an opportunity to be a BITCH.

How did your husband respond to his sister? Did he stick up for you or say nothing and walk away? I’d be more annoyed that my husband didn’t back me up than the name calling itself.

I’ve asked him this. DC were in the next room and so he kept cool but said ‘what a horrible thing to say’

she immediately backtracked and apologised apparently

now I know the gesture is performative as it came with a comment so while it is OTT and kind to get a gift for a minor wedding anniversary (outside of the relationship) it was meant as some sort of a weird bitchy peace offering

No it isn’t.

Give the stuff away and don't acknowledge you ever received it.

I would be tempted to dump the whole lot back on SIL's doorstep but tbh she'd probably love that because it would make you look ungrateful and add fuel to the fire. These sorts of people hate being ignored more than anything so do that in spades.

Okay, sending someone an insult along with a gift is not normal behavior. It's crazy. These people are crazy. You know this.

So why are you so very reactive to anything they say or do?

Instead of enjoying your romantic getaway with your husband, you're trying to decide exactly what to do with the gift that was sent with the insult, as if it's in any way important. And sobbing because his crazy sister called you a bitch behind your back, as she handed him your present, as if it's in any way important.

In other words, crazy person flips, you flop. Crazy person flops, you flip. Correct?

My advice is to stop that. Step back from the crazy people and stay there. Minimal contact and zero emotional investment. Disengage from the drama.

Let crazy person flip, flop, do cartwheels or whatever. Your day continues exactly the same as it would if crazy person didn't even exist.

It really is that easy. It's just a decision that you make.

Good luck.

Eat the chocolate then chuck the flowers in the front garden and send her a picture of it!

Give the 'gifts' to your granny.

Don't let his family near you for a long time. Tell your H to back you up. You don't need this in your life.