Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband has become very nasty

69 replies

Bluuue0 · 26/07/2025 14:19

I am constantly angry and frustrated, and I often have taken this out on DH. I am getting help from the GP and some online services, and I feel I am making progress. I and my GP believe I am neurodivergent but I'm waiting for official diagnosis.
However, whereas previously my husband would just ignore my moods, he will now react with lots of shouting, swearing and silent treatment. Even after apologising, he'll continue with the silent treatment. I admit it's my fault but I wish he'd be kinder and just let me vent, and help me get better.
I am abit stuck about what to do. It's an horrible environment for our children.
My sister thinks I need to put up with it but I don't know for how long I can.

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 26/07/2025 16:26

Bluuue0 · 26/07/2025 14:45

I don't do it intentionally. I just get wound up.

And that's ok, but him getting cross when you do isn't ok?

abracadabra1980 · 26/07/2025 16:40

My exH was massively neurodivergent, and used it as an excuse for his moods and violent temper. I left. I was not having anyone behave like that around my DC, neurodivergent or not.
Please seek help or you will ultimately lose your family unit.

Lyocell · 26/07/2025 16:55

Christ this can’t be real. Please tell us @Bluuue0 why it’s ok for you to get wound up and not him?

3luckystars · 26/07/2025 16:58

Even the quietest dog will bite back eventually. He is only following your lead.

BellissimoGecko · 26/07/2025 17:01

Bluuue0 · 26/07/2025 14:45

I don't do it intentionally. I just get wound up.

He’s not your whipping boy. You’re an adult. You need to start acting like one, and modelling the behaviour you’d like your dc to copy. Start controlling your own behaviour and act nicely. Your poor husband.

Candlesandmatches · 26/07/2025 17:06

Do act this way to your colleagues? Friends? Because if you don’t then you can control your behavior and can stop behaving this way towards your husband. I saw this as someone with adhd.
You need to speak to your husband. Apologize and get some therapy for yourself and find new ways of coping.
Or maybe you will lose your marriage.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 26/07/2025 17:15

ThatsABitExcessive · 26/07/2025 15:35

Imagine this from a bloke?

“I often rant and rage at my wife and I’ve done it for years - now she’s doing it back to me! AIBU to wish she’d just go back to letting me shout at her with no consequence? It’s no good for our children having us both raging”.

If a man had written the OP he'd be ripped apart.
What does taking your anger and frustration out on your husband involve@Bluuue0?
Why do you think he should shut up and take the abuse?

Is this atmosphere in your kids best possible interests?

MsCactus · 26/07/2025 17:31

What's an example of you being angry at DH and an example of how he responds nastily?

Without knowing specifics it's hard to know who's in the wrong tbh

NewbieYou · 26/07/2025 17:42

Sounds like you’re giving as good as you get. Can’t expect him to just ignore you and be ok with it when you’re not ignoring and being ok with him. Neurodivergence isn’t an excuse it’s a reason.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 26/07/2025 17:49

The poor man sounds like he just cant take your abuse any more.
He's a human being too. He can't be your emotional punchbag.

Anyahyacinth · 26/07/2025 17:50

I'm in my fifties when I look back I definitely had hormonal rages (about legitimately annoying things DP did, but still) , are you keeping track of when things are happening? As they stopped with menopause for me (so weren't personality) I think this might be worth considering ? Good Luck sounds tough 💐

TheCoralEagle · 26/07/2025 17:51

So you're allowed to rant and rage at him and he's supposed to...what? Sit there passively and ignore you? Maybe smile indulgently and make you a cup of tea?

Sounds like he's had a gutsful tbh. Don't blame him.

It really will be awful for the dc though and between you there's a good chance you're mentally and emotionally damaging them. It sounds like you're the problem unless there's a huge dripfeed coming. Move out and get some anger management. Don't move back until you can control yourself.

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 26/07/2025 18:00

Sounds like you feel that your neurodiversity entitles you to be difficult and your husband should just put up with it.

SpaceRaccoon · 26/07/2025 18:02

I don't do it intentionally. I just get wound up.

He probably gets wound up by you too. He's not a mind-reader, he can't see your intention - all he can see is your actions towards him.

TheGentleButFirmMadonna · 26/07/2025 18:04

It's amazing he hasn't left or ar least snapped much more aggressively to your anger

MemorableTrenchcoat · 26/07/2025 18:09

Bluuue0 · 26/07/2025 14:45

I don't do it intentionally. I just get wound up.

Oh, that’s ok then 🙄

Grammarninja · 26/07/2025 19:18

Has your GP mentioned anything about narcissistic personality disorder?

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/07/2025 19:33

"I am constantly angry and frustrated, and I often have taken this out on DH."
Which was very unkind of you. You are now experiencing the consequences of your past actions.

"However, whereas previously my husband would just ignore my moods, he will now react with lots of shouting, swearing and silent treatment."
I often fall back on advice I originally saw on here - 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got'. So, his 'reward' for ignoring your moods was for you to have another go at him, he rightly saw ignoring your moods as being the wrong thing to do. And he was right to do so. At least now you're questioning yourself. Maybe you'll even stop taking your anger out on him. Eventually. If he doesn't leave you first. Have you ever accepted, even if just to yourself, that you drove him to the end of his tether?

"I admit it's my fault but I wish he'd be kinder and just let me vent, and help me get better."
From his point of view, you are not 'venting', you are having yet another go at him and undoubtedly making his life fucking unpleasant. And you want him to be "kinder"? Are you ever kinder to him? Maybe you should consider that you should be kinder and just let him "react with lots of shouting, swearing and silent treatment"? How does that sound to you?

"I am abit stuck about what to do. It's an horrible environment for our children."
You created this horrible environment. Did you ever consider your children when you were taking your anger and frustration out on him? Well - did you?

As for what to do - have you ever apologised to your husband for your shitty behaviour? Be under no illusions - claiming neurodivergence makes your behaviour no less shitty to the person on the receiving end.

"My sister thinks I need to put up with it but I don't know for how long I can."
How long did he put up with it?

Bottom line, OP, you are the author of your own misfortune. YOU DID THIS. And now you're complaining because you don't like the consequences? I doubt your husband like it much either, but he didn't start this, you did.

I'd start with an absolutely abject apology to him (and hope he accepts it - he doesn't have to). Don't try and excuse your behaviour with 'but, neurodivergence'. Own it, completely. Stress that you are trying to change, with the help of your GP, and that you hope he'll give you another chance (he doesn't have to). And for the love of god - stop taking your anger and frustration out on him. Because in his shoes, I would walk the instant you did.

WFHforevermore · 27/07/2025 14:54

Damn cheek of you. Yr DH must be a saint.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread