Husband has become very nasty

[Bluuue0]

I am constantly angry and frustrated, and I often have taken this out on DH. I am getting help from the GP and some online services, and I feel I am making progress. I and my GP believe I am neurodivergent but I'm waiting for official diagnosis.
However, whereas previously my husband would just ignore my moods, he will now react with lots of shouting, swearing and silent treatment. Even after apologising, he'll continue with the silent treatment. I admit it's my fault but I wish he'd be kinder and just let me vent, and help me get better.
I am abit stuck about what to do. It's an horrible environment for our children.
My sister thinks I need to put up with it but I don't know for how long I can.

I'm guessing the environment has never been great for your children, irrespective of your husband's recent behavior.

This is a reverse isn't it?

What are you doing to manage your feelings and behaviour? You’re taking steps to explore a ND diagnosis but that in itself won’t change your behaviour. My 2 older children are both ND and while I accept them for who they are, they have to help me to help them manage their actions when it’s needed.

I hadn’t even considered this actually!

Your relationship sounds toxic on both sides. Either you spend time and money on counselling (individual and couple) or you call it quits. Carrying on as you are is going to lead nowhere good.

Oh well, now he’s getting wound up too. Good luck with that.

So now he’s treating you as you have him for a long time and you dont like it!

Sorry you are going to have to grin and bear it, get through your therapy and make good with him

or leave

Maybe he isn’t doing intentionally either, but is also just getting wound up, @Bluuue0?

It is unreasonable to expect him to carry on absorbing your bad moods and poor treatment of him without reacting. I appreciate that you are taking steps to improve, and that is admirable, but in the meantime you need to lay off him.

You need to find a better way to communicate when you are getting towards the point where you will snap at him - sit down and talk to him and ask him how he’d like you to communicate that things are building up inside you, and what you can best do to avoid having a go at him, to cope with your feelings.

Maybe you say to him “Dh - I’m getting wound up - I’m going to go and listen to some music/have a walk/read for a while, so I can calm down - OK?”

Learn to recognise the warning signs and have strategies in place to take the feelings down rather than taking them out on your dh.

How old are you OP?

peri menopause rage?

or are these angry voices coming from your childhood/past, possibly?

either way, get yourself to a therapist AND a doctor.

at least you recognise it, that’s half the battle, and you have the power to make the changes

wishing you so much luck. You are worth it, I promise x

I don’t think op is saying what she did is ok. Op you both need to talk. That’s what it’s all about.

Op what you don't seem to understand is that he can't control it anymore. He has clearly reached the end of his tether with you. It may be his feelings have changed or his own mental health isn't up to it but either way your potential diagnosis is no way allows you to abuse him like this and honestly he can kill any relationship .

Imagine this from a bloke?

“I often rant and rage at my wife and I’ve done it for years - now she’s doing it back to me! AIBU to wish she’d just go back to letting me shout at her with no consequence? It’s no good for our children having us both raging”.

OP if you are diagnosed as ND it is still no excuse for using your DH as a verbal punch bag. It sounds like he is at the end of his tether now with you.

You need to consider how your behaviour is impacting others. Do you rant and rave at anybody else or just him?

I don't think you're in a very strong position to calling your husband nasty OP.

I think you both need to sit down and decide whether this relationship can be saved, whether it should be saved, and whether you are both prepared to do the hard yards, both on yourselves, and the relationship, to save it.

Either way, you need to sort out how to deal with your feelings without needing a punching bag to sit there and take whatever you want to dish out. Neurodivergent or not, this is not an acceptable thing to expect or ask of another human being, it is being abusive.

My husband noticed when I became more snappy and it was perimenopause. I got help from the GP, though did end up having a breakdown last year.

My husband has always been a terrible ranter, and I do look back with bemusement, that my change from being placid to snappy put him in such a spin. He admits he feels better after his rants, and refuses to accept that the recipient is left feeling like the shock absorber for his moods.

You should stick with getting help but try and have some awareness that your husband is at breaking-point.

I wish you well in your mental health recovery but you’re being super unreasonable. Sorry.

What does he say when you approach the matter at a time when you haven't just had a row? You both need to work towards a solution before you reach the point of no return.

He’s had enough of your shit and is now looking at a future where you excuse all your bad behaviour behind a diagnosis… can’t blame him for reaching the end of his tether there at all!

Your poor children

He’s worth more than putting up with your tantrums and moods. I hope he realises that and leaves you. How dare you blame the awful environment your kids are enduring on him having reached the end of his rope. That’s staggering.

And that’s a really shitty and misleading thread title as well OP.

Reap what you sow @Bluuue0
Seriously, how much longer did you think he would take it?
Seems to me you have taken him for granted and abused him daily(constantly angry you said)
Do you speak to other adults the way you speak to dh?

Best thing he can do is get away from you and have the dc 50/50 minimum. At least that way when you are getting angry in an empty room, you are not damaging or harming anybody else.
No amount of sorry or tears or empty promises can undo the hurt you have caused.

I would say the same to any abuser.

You've been abusive for years but now he's the problem? I hope your DH finds the strength to leave you and heal from this.

It's not your dh's job to fix you.
Not very nice being shouted at is it?

So its okay for you.. but not for him?