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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

TO EXPECT MY BABYSITTER NOT TO....

90 replies

FacingUpToThis · 27/05/2008 19:57

Have my 2 Ds's in bed with her when we got back from a night out? she was our cleaner, had known her for a year, got v stuck for a night out and asked her to sit, saying she could stay the night as we thought we mught be late back. She brought her dog with her (which I was nervous about as I don't know the dog and have had a bad exp with ds 1 and another dog) and when we got back at 1030 - much earlier than we had planned, found her in the spare room bed where she was stying with both the boys with her. I was so shocked, I just lifted then in silence and put them back to bed, and she got really cross with me and asked me why I didn't trust her - she was so angry I am now starting to question myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
FacingUpToThis · 27/05/2008 21:11

I have tried to, but without putting words in his mouth, but his speech isn't great. Thank you all for taking the time to respond, maybe I am overreacting. I am going to bed now - 2 hours later here than in Uk. Night all.

OP posts:
Rachmumoftwo · 27/05/2008 21:18

It doesn't actually matter if you are wrong or over-reacting (which I don't think you are). If you are not happy with how someone looks after your children, don't ask them again, or lay down the ground rules if you do.

AngryRantySquirdle · 27/05/2008 21:20

I think her reaction to your moving them was very odd. I would be feeling the same as you if a babysitter had done this too. It's totally different if it is a grandmother/aunt etc. Has she not done this before then?

Very strange and would definately not be using her again if I were you!

And the posters who think there is nothing wrong with what she did Of course it was wrong!!

RosaLuxembourg · 27/05/2008 21:36

There is no 'of course' about it. I don't think it was wrong. I would not be bothered if my babysitter did this. And as for her reaction, she may have been upset because the OP had made it so clear that she thought the babysitter had done something very wrong.

AngryRantySquirdle · 27/05/2008 21:42

But why did she if they were sleeping? As the OP says, they usually are heavy sleepers and don't wake up in the evening and ok yes it's possible one of them woke, but both??

I would find it very strange and would feel very uncomfortable with it. And I am sure I would come across as feeling that it was very wrong.

LynetteScavo · 27/05/2008 21:55

I was going to post similarly to Rosa.

Many years ago when I was a live in nanny, the mum used to sugest the children slept in my (kingsize) bed with me, not every night just sometimes. To be honest, I wasnt very chuffed at first.

Some people are fine with bed sharing, some people would never ever dream of co-sleeping with thier child. I think it's one of those subjects which isn't discussed very much in RL, so people don't really know what is "normal".

LynetteScavo · 27/05/2008 21:57

Oh, and we used to have a lovely regular babysitter when DS2 was 3. One day he asked why she didn't cuddle him untill he was asleep, like we do.

gabbyfemale · 27/05/2008 22:16

I wouldn't like it at all - I'd feel uncomfortable and her comment "we want to" is weird. Were they asleep when you left them? Maybe they mentioned that they were missing you and she promised to give them a cuddle until you came home? But thats no excuse - I'd throw her out if it was me. I'd definitely ask why they were there - even make it sound like you are apologising for them waking her or something. Please don't listen to the posts that can't understand why you are upset - you are right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

purplesponge · 27/05/2008 22:50

Seems a bit odd OP but something tells me you won't be having her to babysit again!

When I was a live in nanny I was babysitting one night for my 15month old charge who was a bad sleeper. When he woke in the early hours, as I knew he would, and his mother was still out, I got in to spare double bed with him (He always ended up in bed with his mum, every single night)but only because his mum TOLD ME TO ! He settled down straight away but I didn't and couldn't wait for his mum to get home and take over.

Also, used to be a mother's help for a 4 year old and 18 month old. One of my duties was to get them to sleep. On my first day I was slightly startled to discover this involved getting into bed with them and lying with them till they dropped off! Would not have been my method of choice and would certainly not have initiated idea but had to go along with what parents wanted.

What I am saying though is that I would never have found it appropriate to lie down next to a child who wasn't a close relative or very close friend's child, or my own god children, and only if I knew their parents were ok with it.

TinkerbellesMum · 27/05/2008 23:45

I would be upset if someone other than her grandparens had her in bed with them and I wouldn't want anyone deliberately taking her to bed with them. It's not a matter of trust, it doesn't matter how much you trust someone there is still a line.

I don't think you are unreasonable. If she crossed your line she crossed it and it sounds like you had already aired your view on it.

CapricaSix · 28/05/2008 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

branflake81 · 28/05/2008 11:05

Your post has really angered me. I think you are completely overreacting. If you trust this girl to babysit and be alone with your children, why on earth don't you trust her to sleep in the same bed as them?

I'm not going to write any more.

4andnotout · 28/05/2008 11:10

I never use anyone else other than family for babysitting but when i have looked after my best friends dc when it was an emergency they have all come and got in bed with me in the morning. We were all wearing pyjamas so i didnt see the problem and my friend wasn't bothered at all when i told her.

TinkerbellesMum · 28/05/2008 11:20

branflake, just because you would be happy for anyone to get your children out of bed to take them into their own, doesn't mean everyone would!

Once my daughter is in bed, I expect her to stay there. I will go to her and comfort her if she's upset, but I wouldn't expect someone to get her out when she's asleep so they can have a cuddle!

QuintessentialShadows · 28/05/2008 11:20

Maybe she is a heavy sleeper? Maybe she was worried that she wouldnt hear them, wake up and tend to them if they woke up crying? Maybe they did wake up and she settled them in with her, and wondered why you would move sleeping babies?

On the other hand, we have had a few au pairs in our time, and NONE of them have felt comfortable with laying down with my children in the night. Even if we have known them well, they have been integrated well in our family, they cuddle and snuggle with the kids in the daytime when awake, they have been very hesitant about laying down with them. My younest used to go to sleep in our double bed, I once asked one of them to just lay down next to him and settle him if he woke up, and she looked shocked at the thought. She was from Poland, so also East European.

As parents we should not just automatically assume that other people want to lay down and snuggle our kids just because we do.

CapricaSix · 28/05/2008 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DarthVader · 28/05/2008 11:32

I would find nothing wrong in this.
If I trusted someone enough to babysit I would think it quite sweet that they all fell asleep together.

duchesse · 28/05/2008 11:33

They're little kids and I would imagine tucking them up with you is culturally normal in that part of the world. I think YABU, and should be glad that you have found such a loving babysitter.

silverfrog · 28/05/2008 11:40

Absolutely agree that it would be the disturbing of my dds sleeping habits that I wouldn't like.

we always leave strict instructions for babysitters that they are not to be taken out of their rooms (and preferably left in peace) unless they are upset/crying.

We have two very good sleepers, and they settle themselves well. If a babysitter (who incidentally, I would have chosen for her coping skills, not necessarily for her child rearing views) had done this, I would have been livid. I do not have any inclination to lie down with my children until they go to sleep (and they have never needed me to), and so someone else doing this would annoy me immensely (and more than that, for someone o potentially disturb sleeping children o do it is just bizarre)

alittleone2 · 28/05/2008 11:50

Message withdrawn

TinkerbellesMum · 28/05/2008 11:59

duchesse, I sort of agree with you. I say sort of because if you are settling kids and that's how you settle them, fine. But these kids were in bed asleep. They hadn't woken up, she decided to get them out of bed and take them in with her.

duchesse · 28/05/2008 12:05

Maybe she thought she'd turn in for the night, and couldn't settle for worrying about whether they would wake up and if she would hear them if they did. I had missed the bit where she removed from their beds asleep...

TinkerbellesMum · 28/05/2008 12:12

I wouldn't get my daughter out of bed because I wanted to go to bed myself, let alone someone elses child. If she was that worried about going to bed while they parents weren't there she should have waited up, it was only 10pm when they got home so not like she would be waiting into the early hours.

I know if I got Tink out of bed only a couple of hours after she was put down she would be awake and wouldn't go back for hours! Left to sleep she is happy to sleep and has been known to go down at 4pm and sleep till 8am.

TinkerbellesMum · 28/05/2008 12:14

She also shouldn't have got cross at their mother wanting to put them back in their own bed. At the end of the day they are her children and if she wants them sleeping in their own beds and not in with the cleaner, that's her decision.

I think the whole picture is what has upset FacingUpToThis most, not just that they were in bed with her. (Please jump in if I'm wrong FacingUpToThis)

BeauLocks · 28/05/2008 12:17

I'm still a bit confused. Did the babysitter lift them out of their beds fast asleep and put them into hers? That would bother me because I wouldn't like my dc to get into the habit of sleeping in my bed and I don't see why she would move them when they are asleep.