Is my best friend racist?

[Newnamefortouchysubject]

Visited my best friend today for lunch and had a conversation that has left me confused, so thought I'd bring it to the MN table.
We were talking about immigration, refugees and asylum seekers.
My friend says the issue is not the colour of people's skin, but rather their culture.
She has no problem with people who wish to settle here when they embrace the UK culture.
Her attitude is that multicultural societies are almost impossible to implement to everyones satisfaction because different cultures have such widely opposing beliefs and values and she believes it is unrealistic to expect to integrate many different cultures and values without considerable conflict between the different cultures.
Furthermore, she believes it is so difficult to integrate different cultures that people of the same ethnicity will inevitably gravitate towards each other and form their own social groups to the exclusion of other ethnic groups, so the whole idea of integration is pointless anyway.
We just end up with lots of different groups of people isolating themselves from other groups who don't share their ethnicity.
She is firmly of the belief that tensions that people describe as racially motivated actually stem from cultural differences, that she knows no one who has any issue with people of different races when they adopt the culture of the country they choose to migrate to, and that the tension is created by ethnic differences and their cultural differences.

I still say this is racism because racism also includes discriminating against people based on their ethnicity. She called me naive if I believe a truly multicultural society is possible when 'you wouldn't even tolerate a friend who has the same ethnicity as you but doesn't share your values so how do you expect to embrace someone's complete different way of life'.
I explained that the way other people choose to live their lives doesn't affect me. She called me naive again at this point and said when people don't have the same values, when they live according to different social rules, it affects people living in their vicinity who don't live like that.

Im not sure whether to raise the subject with her again, or let it lie because she seemed quite adamant and I'm not sure I could make her see this is still racist.

Now I'm wondering if I don't understand what racism is. Maybe I am naive.

This is naive…. Many Islamic cultures do not have the values you presume they do, especially regarding women. All cultures are not harmless, and I would apply that to some sub-cultures in which some white English people partake.

Liberal minded, tolerant people are becoming more and more exasperated by those who want to shut down concerns about cultures that aren’t compatible with core British values of tolerance and freedom by shouting “racism”… This is a primary factor behind why Reform is doing so well.

The national insurance tax reduction will benefit all Indian immigrants on all salaries, but especially those earning up to £50,000 a year because of the way the tax tapers.

Another person putting Islam beyond critical examination.

Simplistically labelling people who raise issues with Islam, 'Islamophobic', and therefore hindering efforts to address reasonable concerns.

Desperate measures, really.

I agree with her, it's sad that wanting to protect British culture and history and being proud of those things is now considered racist

Maybe you'd be more inclined to agree with her if you had first hand experience of it.

It's a very real problem.

Sadly you are completely wrong. Statistics demonstrate that men from Afghan backgrounds are far more likely to commit sex crimes than the general population.

Thats not because Afghans, as a race, are inherently evil, it’s because they have grown up in a society steeped in extreme misogyny. If you separated a white English boy at birth, and raised him in Taliban Afghanistan, he’d also likely be more misogynist. It’s culture not race.

Attempting to shut down concerns about other cultures with phoney cries of “racism” is something more and more people are rightly reacting against.

YABU. She's spot on and shares the same opinion as the silent majority...

And how have you tried to involve immigrants in your community? Have you invited them to a cup of tea?

There were 19 Afghans charged with sexual offences up to end of 2023.

I’d hardly call that an epidemic of Afghans rampaging down the country 🙄

I think it’s complex. Many people come because they want to live differently than how they lived before. As an immigrant it is very hard to properly integrate - make local friendships and be part of the community. How many on here have close friends who are immigrants?
If the only community that accepts them is the immigrants who arrived earlier, they stick together and practice that culture.
But also most do adapt at least some of the local culture.

@nomas oh well that’s alright then

America is a nation of immigrants (mostly). They have specific things (4th July, pledge of allegiance at school) to integrate new immigrants into American culture and it largely works.

the UK could welcome migrants and make it possible for them to integrate if we welcomed people better

Your friend is definitely a bigot, narrow-minded and inflexible.

These are all prerequisites for being a racist, but racists are mostly focused on racial differences.

Did anyone say it was alright?

I don’t think your friend comes across as racist — though I can see why some of those posts might give that impression to others. But people are entitled to their opinions.

The truth is, the vast majority of Muslims in the UK just want to live peacefully, practise their faith privately, and be part of wider British society. I say this as a British Muslim myself, with immigrant parents from India.

My mum actually came here when she was 3. Her parents worked very hard to integrate, and they’ve always been very, very British — and proud of it. That attitude was passed down to us. My family has always respected British culture — it’s part of who we are. At the same time, we still hold on to our roots through food, language, and values. We’ve always tried to balance both.

That said, I do get frustrated when I see communities where people don’t try to learn English or only stick to their own. Maybe that makes me critical, even towards my own, but I think integration matters — it benefits everyone.

And to be fair, it’s not just South Asians — even though those groups often get singled out in discussions like this. I’ve seen the same with some European and other communities too. As an Indian British Muslim, I’ve sometimes found it hard to connect not only with my own but also with other groups who seem to prefer keeping to themselves. Integration is a two-way process, and it can be hard when people don’t meet in the middle.

One thing I will add — when we visit places outside of London, we often get stared at by white people. We dress well, we’re friendly and respectful — but the looks can be quite uncomfortable. It’s really off-putting. And I wonder if this is one of the reasons some ethnic minorities end up keeping to their own communities. It can feel safer and more familiar when you’re not made to feel like you belong elsewhere.

That’s a good point. Afaik, Canada has various funded programmes for newcomers to help integrate to the local community.

So c.1% of total charges were of Afghans.

Given that the total number of Afghans in the UK as of 2024 was 29,000, or 0.05% of the population, that rate is 20 times higher than average!

That doesn’t mean Afghans are innately bad people. However, they are culturally conditioned to view women as inferior. There will doubtless be sub-cultures of white English people where you’ll have more prevalent rates of sex crime.

In fact, an insistence that race and culture are indistinguishable, is actually far more racist!

I agree with your friend . You sound incredibly naive

It’s sad there are still some people who are insistent that all cultures are compatible with a free tolerant democratic society (apart from perhaps English culture, which is strangely uniquely bad), and would turn a blind eye to a continuation of the sex-grooming gangs has blighted so the lives of so many English girls over the years.

I wonder sometimes if they are actually Reform plants, as they are much better recruiting Sargents than Farage would ever be. I’ve never voted Reform. I’ve never liked Farage and his brand of politics, but it feels like there are some on the Left who are trying their hardest to change my mind and lend them my vote!

I find the irony stunning that you think that British people adapt to the norms of the places they go.

But most do, they tend to be quite a rule following bunch.

This isn’t about race ffs, it’s about culture! I’m happy to have friends and colleagues from other races. Their race is irrelevant to me.

Your constant references to ‘white’ people just shows the problem with ghettoisation. You will be living in a small ghetto bubble completely unaware that 82% of the country is ‘white’. What is it that you have against people who have white skin and why do you want to live in a country full of them? Are the reasons purely economical?

So common sense is now racism. Heard it all now.

Your friend is 99% correct. As there will always be an exception to the rule.