...to not want to go on family holiday with cheating OH?

[MelBrookesMyHero]

Approaching 3 months since it came out my OH of 16 years has been cheating on me for the past 5 years (it's on other threads so sorry for bleating on, I still haven't spoke to a soul about it other than on here).

We are supposed to be going on a long since booked family holiday (probably intended to the sort of family holiday once in a lifetime type of experience) soon, but I just can't bare the idea of trying to play happy families, not least knowing what she's done, but also because she's totally shut down any prospect of discussing what she's done which is really driving me up the wall. I'm trying to prepare myself, practically and emotionally to leave but really struggling with the idea, particularly what to say to, and do about our two DC's.

For now I've said I can't face going on holiday as a family and want the time and space to myself. OH getting all emotional about it, saying it will be me destroying the family etc and pleading with me to just go and at least put a front on.

AIBU to stick to my position and say I'm not going? Or should I try and man up for the sake of our two DC's?

Given he’s the cheating fuckwit, how about he stays at home and you go? Maybe with your mum/family member/friend if you need support?

Yanbu to not want to do it if you don't feel you can, and she has chosen to stonewall you.
This is ALL on her.

The cheat is a woman.

she knows why you're not going - can hardly claim that you are the one destroying the family.
stay home and work out your options for the future.

Why haven’t you told anyone? Having to deal with stuff like this holiday in a lifetime and impact on kids whilst holding the knowledge of a 5 year affair is a lot. Is it possible for either her to go with kids and another family member ( one of her parents /siblings) or for you to take someone else?

I vote you put on a front for the children. You can always avoid your partner for short times by pretending to have indigestion or a migraine. That way your children get to have the holiday memories.

Yes sorry, I'm a 'dad' on MN.

Will the DCs feel the atmosphere though on your holiday? I wouldn't go and I'd be getting prepared to leave. A 5yr affair isn't a "one-off mistake".

Regardless, your dp is the one in the wrong, why should you stay home? Take the holiday, SHE gets to stay at home and have a shit time.

Are you planning to end your relationship or are you trying to work things out?

If I was planning to end the relationship I think I would stay at home and get myself organised as much as I could.

If it's a holiday you really want to go on and experience then I'd go. But make very clear that you are going as co-parents and not as partners. Say up front that you want to have separate time with the kids, maybe you take them iut one afternoon and she stays at home, that sort of thing.

She stays home and you take the children on holiday. Before you go, you need to tell people IRL (not the children obviously) and make it all real. Stop keeping her dirty secret for her, the shame is hers not yours.

The absolute cheek of HER to accuse YOU of destroying the family. Remind her of her actions.

Do not go on the holiday, it's not worth mentally torturing yourself. If you're comfortable with it then tell her she can still go alone with the kids but you will not be participating in a charade that will eat away at your mental health.

Why haven't you told anyone?

You either claim fake illness and send your wife with the kids, or you go, out on a brave face for the kids, be completely focussed on the kids, avoid your wife as much as possible and give the kids one last fun family holiday.

That you can’t face a family holiday is pretty much clear that even if leaving /asking her to leave is scary/difficult/expensive- you can’t salvage this relationship so you need to get it ended as quickly as possible after the trip.

Why haven’t you told anyone? You need support.
but wow 5 years 😮 that’s beyond low. How old are your children? I assume some of this she must of been pregnant which is even lower.

I know how you feel. I’ve been there myself and while it’s hard, I had to put on a brave face for the children, especially as it’s a once in a lifetime thing as hard as it is, that may be your best bet.
however when your home, tell her you deserve better and you will co parent for the kids but as a relationship you will no longer be around. If you want to that is.

It’s hard to come back from cheating trust me I know I’m going through it myself and it consumes every thought.
Good luck and if you ever need a chat message me sure we can go through advice together 🤣

in all seriousness, you are worth much more you don’t deserve it at all. Cheating in any way shape or form is wrong

The holiday would be tense and unenjoyable. Who owns the house? Look into sorting that, either by selling or telling your girlfriend to leave if it's your property.

You can both parent your kids 50/50.

I saw your other threads and it sounds heartbreaking for you and more so your kids.

I totally get why you've not told a soul but honestly a problem shared really is a problem halved. If there's no one you trust to tell then find a counsellor even if just for yourself a relationship counsellor will have heard it all before.

As for the holiday, maybe she could fein illness and stay home?

And I should add from experience, my ex OH bottled it up for 18 years and it broke him til we eventually split.

Don’t go. Your dp is the one destroying the family by having an affair, not you.

Tell her to take someone else who the children have a good solid relationship with, her mum, sister, best friend etc...
Actions have consequences and she should realise that.

@Jasmin71 if actions have consequences surely the wife should be staying at home

I agree with @ThinWomansBrain. Stay at home and use the time to work out your future. I’d confide in someone as well, bottling it all up isn’t helping you. 💐

Your partner busted up the family by having an affair.

She's trying to use DARVO on you and playing the victim.

I sure wouldn't be pretending to be happy about it or go on a vacation with a cheating liar. But I'm action oriented and we'd be split.

Also, the audacity of the cheating girlfriend who chose to lead a double life for half a decade getting 'emotional' to demand a holiday? How repulsive.

Remove her from the booking and go yourself with your kids, and plan for a happy future without the woman.

Please go and leave her behind. You and your children shouldn't have to miss out

All your actions and feelings lead back to her betrayal. She is the one who destroyed your family, not you. Personally, I’d want the holiday with my kids and I would tell her that I don’t want her to be there. Just a consequence of her cheating. But you can’t force her not to come so I guess I’d think about the logistics of the holiday - will you be busy with the kids all day and able to head to bed early? Will you share a room/bed or can you avoid this? Can you split the time on holiday so you don’t hang out altogether (so take the kids for the morning and then be alone in the afternoon). I don’t think it’s unreasonable to set clear boundaries ahead of time if you choose to go. If you do not go, I think it’s important to start telling people why. It’ll be awful, but you need people who love you to be there for you right now. Use that week to open up to whoever feels right/best. You also need to decide what you’d tell your children.

And please tell your OH to never suggest you are responsible for destroying the family again. The moment she cheated, she lost the right to control the narrative. You get to decide how you heal and recover from this betrayal and she has to take any disappointment as a consequence of the choices she made. I would have a stock line you use when discussing such things that you calmly repeat so it is clear that she cannot manipulate the situation using emotive language when she messed up.