...to not want to go on family holiday with cheating OH?

[MelBrookesMyHero]

Approaching 3 months since it came out my OH of 16 years has been cheating on me for the past 5 years (it's on other threads so sorry for bleating on, I still haven't spoke to a soul about it other than on here).

We are supposed to be going on a long since booked family holiday (probably intended to the sort of family holiday once in a lifetime type of experience) soon, but I just can't bare the idea of trying to play happy families, not least knowing what she's done, but also because she's totally shut down any prospect of discussing what she's done which is really driving me up the wall. I'm trying to prepare myself, practically and emotionally to leave but really struggling with the idea, particularly what to say to, and do about our two DC's.

For now I've said I can't face going on holiday as a family and want the time and space to myself. OH getting all emotional about it, saying it will be me destroying the family etc and pleading with me to just go and at least put a front on.

AIBU to stick to my position and say I'm not going? Or should I try and man up for the sake of our two DC's?

I don't know if the kids know any of what's going on but you've been sucking it up for the last 3 months and if they're extremely excited about the once in a lifetime holiday and don't know about the 2 of you - well then I'd be going on it with them.

Start to emotionally detach from your wife - if your plan is to leave then you definitely don't need to discuss what she's done. Concentrate on being a great dad to your kids and seeing their mum as just their mum. Why would you miss the chance to do this amazing thing with them? It's still very early days at 3 months but don't let your wife ruin this holiday for you as well. The children will want her there I'm sure so don't go alone, just concentrate fully on the kids.

Whether you stay or go give yourself 3 years to get over this betrayal, I promise it gets easier but it does take time.

Thanks for the responses. A few people asking why I haven't told anyone, it might sound mad but I just can't. I'm too ashamed on different fronts. The details (that I know of so far, as she won't discuss it with me anymore), are pretty extreme. I don't want people thinking badly of my DC's Mum, them being embarrassed or humiliated (or me for that matter). Blokes don't talk about these things kindly either and before long we're going to the subject of some pretty humiliating gossip.

I don't have any advice for the holiday but I really feel for you.

If you can't bear to talk to people in your life about it, please arrange some counselling and get it all out.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Please seek some therapy to help you process what she has done and to work through your feelings about it. Don't bottle it up, it's not good for you.

Very good point

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. And you have in no way “destroyed” the family. She did that, with zero input from you.
If you have no one to talk to, I’d suggest you seek some therapy with a qualified psychotherapist. Unlike many on here, I do think there is the possibility of recovery after infidelity but she has to be willing to engage. Currently she’s not and that simply won’t work. It’s hugely selfish of her, just a continuation of her dreadfully selfish behaviour. I absolutely would not be going on holiday with her. Either stay at home or, better yet, leave her at home and take the DC yourself. She’s a fool.

Echoing others – you go on the holiday, she doesn't. If you need help with childcare do you have a friend or relative who can take her place?

Not telling anyone is making this bigger and scarier. Sadly you won't be the first or last person to have been betrayed by a partner – the shame is hers, not yours. Confide in someone, even if it's a priest or a counsellor or a barman (all equally used to it).

yes. awful we always assume it’s a man. I hope the OP gets support in real life. Cheating is never ok.

You need to start telling people, OP, because if you don't, she will start blaming you for the breakdown of the marriage.

Start with your mum or dad or a good friend.

And yes, tell her that she needs to stay home and you are going on holiday with the kids, or she will be forcing your hand and make you tell everyone she's a cheating twat.

We didn't need to assume, OP was clear his cheating partner is a woman in his OP.

If it was me, there is no way I would be going on this holiday, no matter how special it was planned to be. But then I wouldn’t still be under the same roof as someone who had cheated on me the same day that I found this out.

Your OH is being completely ridiculous accusing you of destroying the family - she did that with the first kiss with the person she cheated with.

It’s MUMSnet, OP mostly said ‘OH’ which is not specific. It’s fine, not awful.

OP, why ca’t you go with the kids. Would be nice to have a last holiday with them before it all blows up. And she is destroying the family, not you. If you really want to stay home, tell her you are, no discussion.

Having just read some of the other posts, I agree that it should be the OP who goes on the holiday, and his cheating partner can use the time he and the children are away to find somewhere else to live.

The whole situation sounds horrendous OP, and I am so sorry you are going through this.

You have nothing whatsoever to feel ashamed about.

Your OH is being really manipulative. It isn’t you busting up the family. She has no right to blame you or make demands of you. How dare she!

And frankly her behaviour in this way holds no promise at all that your relationship could ever be rebuilt.

How old are your children?

You need some RL support. Female relatives or friends if you feel less confident about talking to men?

The holiday? I don’t blame you. What would be the purpose or benefit in continuing to pretend that all is ok?

It will be hardest the first time. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. Secrets have power over you and eat away at you. If you go off on a rant or tirade about the mother of your kids (understandable btw) that’s not the same as just saying OH has been cheating on me for the last 5 years and I'm finding it really hard to play happy families for the DC.

I totally understand this. Have you thought about a professional therapist? Then you have an outlet for these feelings and your needs are met without any of the fallout?

She is in the wrong. You should get the holiday and she should stay home alone. You need to tell people what happened and get support. What she's done reflects badly on her but not on you.

@MelBrookesMyHero Just an aside. If you tell the people you love and trust, you control the narrative. If there's embarrassing or salacious details leave it to her to explain herself. For anyone else who asks try;

"My wife has been having an affair for many years so we are separating. If you'd like further information her number is XXX"

Oh op I'm so sorry you're going through this. My dh cheated on me last year so I know how devastating it is and what a mess your emotions must be right now.

Of course you're not wrong for not wanting to go and pretend everything's ok when it clearly isn't.

It sounds like you're working to reconcile so I suspect it's the pretending that's the issue rather than the holiday?

I had a massive wobble before out family holiday last year that fell about 2 months after I found out. To be fair, it was actually what turned the corner for us but there wasn't any pretending. My dh owned his choices (cheating isn't a mistake) and put all his effort into supporting me. She doesn't get to decide when it's behind you and she doesn't get to use you as her support system in handling her side of things

If you go, I suggest setting some firm boundaries around all of that and use the time as family only time. Phones down, no work, just focus on each other. Take space when you need it and don't feel you have to put on a brave face

I'd really encourage you to share what's going on with a trusted few in real life. My friends really kept me standing through it all, and they followed my lead in how to deal with dh. Whatever opinions they formed of him they kept it to themselves and we still socialise as couples with them all, but it gave me a great support.

Re read the OP it’s a woman that’s cheated

I did, but I don't see the difference in what I said ie op should take the dc and cheating dp should stay home. Don't see why cheating asshole (whatever gender) should get the holiday.

OP I get not wanting to talk about it. It makes it real, you’ll have to deal with that persons reaction while dealing with your own. People will want to know what you’re going to do, and that means you have to have an answer.

telling others will really depend on if you plan to try to fix this relationship and stay together or if you plan to split up. If you can’t stand the idea of a holiday together, patching things up seems unlikely.

But if you are going to split up, people will want to know why. The truth is the best option. Telling those you care about while you get to control the message is the best way.

OP, protect your mental health, find a therapist to talk to honestly.

Can she stay at home and you go with the children.

The humiliation is hers, she cheated on her children as much as she did you.

They shouldn’t get the holiday the cheat, just pointing out the cheat is a woman

Does it matter? It's not the point.