...to not want to go on family holiday with cheating OH?

[MelBrookesMyHero]

Approaching 3 months since it came out my OH of 16 years has been cheating on me for the past 5 years (it's on other threads so sorry for bleating on, I still haven't spoke to a soul about it other than on here).

We are supposed to be going on a long since booked family holiday (probably intended to the sort of family holiday once in a lifetime type of experience) soon, but I just can't bare the idea of trying to play happy families, not least knowing what she's done, but also because she's totally shut down any prospect of discussing what she's done which is really driving me up the wall. I'm trying to prepare myself, practically and emotionally to leave but really struggling with the idea, particularly what to say to, and do about our two DC's.

For now I've said I can't face going on holiday as a family and want the time and space to myself. OH getting all emotional about it, saying it will be me destroying the family etc and pleading with me to just go and at least put a front on.

AIBU to stick to my position and say I'm not going? Or should I try and man up for the sake of our two DC's?

So in this scenario, I would still go but get a spare room or have the kids each with a parent in separate rooms.
Then I would take it in turns to have the kids either a day each or morning and afternoon shifts. While not with the kids, go get some food, swim, sunbathe, sightsee, take a cooking or surfing lessons, whatever floats your boats.

If the kids ask why just say because we both have some grown up things to do as well so it's easier this way to take turns.

she's got a fucking nerve talking about you destroying the family!

don't let her get away with that bullshit for a start.

That;s a tough dilemma, but 3 months since you found out she's been cheating for 5 years must still be raw, like an open wound. I remember me and my OH going away in similar circumstances although it was more than 3 months, but still in that period when we were being 'fake' nice to each other for the sake of the kids. If you're going to go, then set the rules well before you go - no discussion about your relationship, no intimacy and set a time aside well before you go when you can set the boundaries. Oh and have a plan for when you get back to have some time apart to reflect.

Curious as to whether you went/have decided to go?

Hard no from me. She's put you in a terrible situation and why do you need to play happy families?

Less than 2 weeks when we're due to go and still can't decide what to do for the best. We're just about being civilised to each other and staying out of each others' way as much as possible. Kids are like dead excited though and that's killing me. They'd be gutted if one or the other of us didn't go, but both going feels like me conceding. Why oh why do people (men and women in equal measure BTW statistically), fk about on people they say they love? Total head mess on daily basis.

I 'd like to think we can go on holiday as 'co-parents and friends' going forward but is that just a total pipe dream? Utterly deluded? Has anyone on here got experience of co-parenting holidays together with their ex?

Yeah, I do sometimes holiday with my ex as co parents. We've been separated about 2 and a half years now. First year was awful and you're probably in that period now. But I think if you can have a civilised conversation like you're saying you are, then sit down and set the boundaries, expectations and rules. They don't have to apply forever, just for the time you're away. Separate beds would help but if you can't change it that might be tricky. Our first holiday after separating was about 9 months afterwards (couldn't avoid or cancel it), our DC were young enough not to notice we weren't touching each other. When we got back we both agreed it was important to still do stuff as Mum and Dad. Don't get me wrong, I'm heartbroken we're not together, but we still feel like a family.

Try if you can, and if you can't then don't beat yourself up over it.

You need to tell her to find a plausible excuse which means she doesn’t go but you and the kids do. Work or something. She’s a cheeky cow and you desperately need a break from her to sort your head out. When you get back you’ll hopefully have realised how good life will be without her and you’ll sort the separation.

I would go for the children then start the process to separate after you're home and the dust has settled. Personally, I wouldn't be able to let my kids be so disappointed like that, or let her horrendous behaviour ruin this for them. Don't be tempted not to separate though, you 100% need out, she has no respect for you.

5 years is a crazy amount of time and would be unforgivable for most people. I'm sorry.

I hope your children still get to go on holiday somehow but I wouldn't want to go with her.

I would be inclined to say she can stay home and you go on the holiday of a life time and spend quality time with your kids! It would be very hard to co-parent in this situation so early on.. it will ruin the whole holiday experience. Don’t cancel, the kids will be devastated-she’s the one who’s f*cked up so she doesn’t get to decide what happens going forward.