Son told not to smile for photo

[Notthisagain13]

My 5yo ds has got a really funny smile at the moment. It’s like he hasn’t quite learnt to smile and sort of oversmiles so scrunches up his face a bit. However it’s very cute and it’s his smile at the end of the day. It’s not like he’s pulling a hideous face, he’s like it in all his school photos, it’s just funny and sweet.

My mil and sil were taking some photos of the grandchildren and mil told ds to stop smiling for the photos.

She kept telling him don’t smile like that, and then just told him to stop smiling for the photos.

Aibu to think that she was being out of order?

That's really unkind of her. I think all children go through a bit of a weird smile phase, it's cute!

She probably thought he was being a bit silly and messing around

did you advocate for your son and calmly explain that he is 5 and getting to grips with finding his smile?!

She is being ridiculous yes.
If she wants a photo with a different smile she should try to make him laugh and get a natural smile instead of a 'photo' one.

I don’t think she would have thought that he was bringing silly.

He doesn’t act silly, he’s very calm, quiet and placid.

I didn’t say that no, perhaps I should have but it all happened quite quickly. I didn’t really think I needed to explain because that’s just how he smiles.

she was micromanaging a photo shoot in a bossy fashion wasn’t she,
however, if this is all you have to write on mn about, take a trophy because there are ugly fish to fry

You said she repeatedly said this to him
and then told him to stop smiling

it would have taken very little effort on your part to simply say “oh he’s exploring different smiles atm and this is his current one, so let it be”

Avoid her taking his photo for a while, just use distraction and stuff. You don’t want him to become self conscious about his smile. It’s such a little thing that MiL won’t understand the importance of, but can make you really uncomfortable.

Wouldn't someone think of the ugly fish??

Yes in hindsight, I should have spoken up.

Tbh there is a huge backstory with my in laws and much more than this, neither myself nor dh are very good at speaking up at the time, and when we do they always have to have the last word.

She was being very insensitive, my DD had a stage of doing this,
I admit I did sometimes think please can I have a natural photo without you pulling that face but never told her not to smile ! I tried to take informal photos so she wasn't necessarily aware.
Perhaps inlaws wanted a photo to display of all DGC and were trying to get best photo possible.
But they didn't handle it very well, I hope your DS wasn't upset.
I'm wondering whether to say this or not as may not be at all relevant but much later, in her teens, DD was diagnosed with autism and I've literally just twigged her doing this in photos when she was in primary school was mimicking

there is a huge backstory with my in laws and much more than this

yes, there generally is on mumsnet

Then you need to learn from this and stand up for yourself and your child!!

neither myself nor dh are very good at speaking up at the time, and when we do they always have to have the last word.

this is your child OP. You and your DH need to parent up sharpish!

Exactly

I can’t imagine anyone have the “last word” over me when it comes to my child

It was pretty unkind and would’ve embarrassed the poor kid, I certainly wouldn’t have let that pass without standing up for my child, and nor would DH, just let them try to have the last word!

People are obsessed with perfection in family photos these days, when actually looking back at them a scrunched up smile on the face of a 5 year old would be a lovely and natural sight to see and be reminded of them. Sadly candids just don't seem to be as popular.

Yes I agree, to me that’s his smile and it’s beautiful and natural.

I’d rather look back at his lovely beaming little face than know he was told not to smile.

I really wish I’d spoken up and said something. I think I just sort of called ds away and said that will do, let’s go and play. To me, I can’t understand why a grandmother would do that I guess.

Honestly though since ds was born it’s is one thing after another. Dh never wants to rock the boat.

Your DH sounds like a limp lettuce
but fact you also didn’t say anything is a little limp too

limit interaction (although DH would probs my start sobbing) or learn to advocate for your son

The comments could stay with him, through his life; formative experience has a major impact. The negativity needs to be nipped in the bud.

WTF

I have suggested to my DS that he just looks natural. He looks a bit sinister when he forces a smile and sometimes you do just want a nice photo!

Is it really exaggerated? In the way autistic children, who are taught to mimic, to mask do it? If so, they don't really look like them. We have quite a few autistic children amongst our fam/friends, we use humour etc and get then naturally laughing. Does your son have any other traits? There seems be conflict happening?

Suggesting a child has autism because of a funny smile is just ridiculous, I’m sorry but I swear one of these days people will be suggesting autism based on breathing.

My smile on photos was criticised when I was in my early teens... it coincided with my biggest growth spurts and with hindsight, my features and their proportions were slightly different to usual, particularly at one big event where I'd been ill a few days before so was unusually thin by my usual standards.

My son is autistic and it's very difficult to get "good" photos of him. Close to impossible if they're posed or if he realises there's a camera out. The best ones are candid. I have to fight his corner a lot about it.

The best photos are about catching someone as they are.

I agree. Though we do have 6 years worth of photos of DS2 doing a deliberately grumpy face which got a bit tiresome. DD has done about 2 years of covering her face with a hand which is equally as tiresome.