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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting DD to sleep with us

64 replies

LifesAContradiction · 25/07/2025 03:21

Moving in with in family. There’s a spare bedroom downstairs and one upstairs. AIBU for wanting to keep 4 year old DD with me in one room (with my DH and baby DD2) as opposed to upstairs in the room on her own while the 3 of us are downstairs? Other family members would be in surrounding rooms, that’s not the issue. We would also be quite cramped sleeping together.
The issue is that I don’t want to be on a different floor. It feels too far away! Is this a mum thing or AIBU? We are close, we coslept for 2 years and I’ve always tried to be emotionally attuned to her.

And please don’t say “what about when she takes an attic room and you’ll be on the floor below” - it’s not the same thing. She wouldn’t be four years old. She’d be a lot older. And we may be staying with the family for years.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 25/07/2025 03:26

Why would this be unreasonable? If you want your child in a room with you, have her in a room with you.

Personally, I’d split it so it was one parent + one child per room, but that’s just my preference.

And please don’t say “what about when she takes an attic room and you’ll be on the floor below”

Not sure what that bit is about, tbh.

Cutleryclaire · 25/07/2025 03:30

I think that would be fine. As would a parent and child in each room if it were short term.

But if it might be for several years are you planning on moving her to her own room in time? Because it sounds quite crowded to have that set up long term.

Original poster
LifesAContradiction · 25/07/2025 03:31

ForZanyAquaViewer · 25/07/2025 03:26

Why would this be unreasonable? If you want your child in a room with you, have her in a room with you.

Personally, I’d split it so it was one parent + one child per room, but that’s just my preference.

And please don’t say “what about when she takes an attic room and you’ll be on the floor below”

Not sure what that bit is about, tbh.

This is actually a good idea! Don’t know how I didn’t think of that lol.

And the attic example was because DH said it to me and it made me feel like some overly attached emotional weirdo for not wanting her on a different floor. His point was, she’d be on a different floor if she took the attic room when she’s older. My counter point was that wouldn’t be happening when she’s this young.

OP posts:
Happyhappyday · 25/07/2025 03:48

I think it’s kind of weird 🤷‍♀️. Our DC have always been 2 floors away, from about 5 months old. When baby we had a video and sound monitor and after DC was a bit older, we switched to a sound monitor in the hallway outside and DC figured out on their own to basically use it like a walkie talkie. DC are fine and we’re able to be there if needed.

user1496146479 · 25/07/2025 04:04

Cannot imagine any comfort or quality of sleep for four of you in one room tbh. But we are all on the same level, so I kind of get the different floor thing….. we did have that on holiday once (eldest DS 12 at tilt was on ground floor, and I did feel a bit off with it)

Guess it depends on how long it’s for etc?

Rayqueen · 25/07/2025 04:57

I find it weird our 4 are between ages 2-5 and all have own rooms floor down from us and have done a long time. Yes have cameras etc should they need us but there all happy and very rarely other than if ill have I needed to go down. Has turned out good on holidays this year with extended family as little ones happy to sleep anywhere any room

LegoHouse274 · 25/07/2025 05:10

Personally I'd much rather have a 4yo sleeping on a different floor than in a room with me, DH and a baby. Especially when you say there's other people sleeping on that floor anyway. I think everyone would sleep much better that way. You could use an audio monitor If that would make you feel more comfortable with it. Obviously ultimately it's up to you though.

butterfly1234 · 25/07/2025 05:14

What is the worry/concern about being on a different floor?

Sirzy · 25/07/2025 05:16

How long is it for?

longer term I don’t think four of you in a small bedroom is going to be conducive to good quality rest!

TheNightingalesStarling · 25/07/2025 05:19

I understand your feelings. However it doesn't sound very conductive to her sleep and therefore overall health.

Gumbo · 25/07/2025 05:34

Happyhappyday · 25/07/2025 03:48

I think it’s kind of weird 🤷‍♀️. Our DC have always been 2 floors away, from about 5 months old. When baby we had a video and sound monitor and after DC was a bit older, we switched to a sound monitor in the hallway outside and DC figured out on their own to basically use it like a walkie talkie. DC are fine and we’re able to be there if needed.

Similar here, DC on a different floor from a few weeks old, it worked brilliantly.

Only on MN do people think that random kidnappers will somehow know the sleeping arrangements and pop in to steal your children. Oh - and fires... the only time our smoke alarm has gone off at night, I've never seen DH move faster than he did, sprint to DC's floor and be out the front door with DC in a matter of seconds (while I was trying to figure out what random bug had got in it to trigger it).

In summary, your DC will be fine on another floor...in fact, will probably quite enjoy it!

Confusdworriedmum · 25/07/2025 06:00

If you're staying with family would they swap rooms so you can all be on the same floor? Four people in a cramped room sounds a nightmare.

SillyQuail · 25/07/2025 06:09

Agree with the one child per parent solution - this is what we normally do when staying with relatives. At home the kids share a room and we alternate which of us sleeps in with them, so they're not used to being alone. Ours are 4 and 2, and where we live co-sleeping / family beds are totally normal at this age

ooooohlala · 25/07/2025 06:45

With your solution, I’d worry about chaotic bedtimes; the 4YO waking up every times the little one does; and mornings that start for everyone as soon as the first person is up.

RowanRed90 · 25/07/2025 06:50

Rayqueen · 25/07/2025 04:57

I find it weird our 4 are between ages 2-5 and all have own rooms floor down from us and have done a long time. Yes have cameras etc should they need us but there all happy and very rarely other than if ill have I needed to go down. Has turned out good on holidays this year with extended family as little ones happy to sleep anywhere any room

I find the cameras thing very very weird.

OP I have no idea why the poll says you are being unreasonable. You are not. If you feel the need to have cctv on your kids, they're too far away.

BlueMum16 · 25/07/2025 06:57

I think if she's upstairs she'll be fine , especially if this is going to be a longer term solution. Does she have problems sleeping that you've not mentioned that make you concerned?

How old is your second DD? When will they be sharing a room together?
Can they not start sharing now otherwise the older DD might feel resentment next year at having to share 'her' room.

BendingSpoons · 25/07/2025 06:59

Kindly, I don't think it's a great plan for you to permanently 1 adult & child upstairs, 1 downstairs. If this was a holiday for a few weeks then great, but permanently not so much. I can understand you are prioritising your 4yos wellbeing over your DHs preferences (which I agree with!) but I think this is a bit too much.

We spend the evening on the floor below our children and they easily come find us if they need us. Although we are awake, when we have the TV on and the door shut, we don't hear super.easily. I would use a baby monitor if you are concerned, so you can hear if you lr 4yo calls. You can still be tuned in to their needs and in their room very quickly if they need you in the night.

crumblingschools · 25/07/2025 07:02

Will you be living in the bedroom too to have some separation from family you are living with. How long term is this?

Overtheway · 25/07/2025 07:02

I wouldn't want my 4 year old on a different floor either. I wouldn't want them to be separated by steps in the case of a fire or other emergency.

taxidriver · 25/07/2025 07:13

but there are other family members around
i think it is a step backward to move her in to a room with you

bunnypenny · 25/07/2025 07:23

RowanRed90 · 25/07/2025 06:50

I find the cameras thing very very weird.

OP I have no idea why the poll says you are being unreasonable. You are not. If you feel the need to have cctv on your kids, they're too far away.

Show quote history

Why are baby monitors “very very” weird?

my three are on a different floor from me and have been for years (they’re now 3,5&6). We live in a terrace and it’s two bedrooms per floor. It’s literally 17 paces (and that includes 12 stairs) from my bed to the kids’ bedroom doors, which is less than in many houses where everyone is on the same floor.

PigletSanders · 25/07/2025 09:40

And we may be staying with the family for years.

Good god, why?!!

Bushmillsbabe · 25/07/2025 09:45

Presumably your 4 year old is starting school this September? So will need good sleep to be able to focus? Will they get that in a room with yourselves and a baby. And same for you/DH going out to work
The best solution is the one which enables all family members to get the most sleep.
And how about your and DH relationship? How will you have time for intimacy with a 4 year old in the same room?

DazedAndConfused321 · 25/07/2025 10:20

I think it's sensible, especially if she wakes in the night, it's less disturbing for others sleeping if you don't have to run up or down stairs to soothe her.

DazedAndConfused321 · 25/07/2025 10:21

Could you use one of the spare rooms as a room for if you do want to sleep seperately? So you have two bedrooms but mainly use one, but have the other as backup, especially if it's cramped