AIBU for wanting DD to sleep with us

[LifesAContradiction]

Moving in with in family. There’s a spare bedroom downstairs and one upstairs. AIBU for wanting to keep 4 year old DD with me in one room (with my DH and baby DD2) as opposed to upstairs in the room on her own while the 3 of us are downstairs? Other family members would be in surrounding rooms, that’s not the issue. We would also be quite cramped sleeping together.
The issue is that I don’t want to be on a different floor. It feels too far away! Is this a mum thing or AIBU? We are close, we coslept for 2 years and I’ve always tried to be emotionally attuned to her.

And please don’t say “what about when she takes an attic room and you’ll be on the floor below” - it’s not the same thing. She wouldn’t be four years old. She’d be a lot older. And we may be staying with the family for years.

I think in the long term that sharing is a crazy idea however for the first few months I'd be inclined to have a parent in with her. I co slept with mine until about 2/3 too and when we moved to a different house and different family situation me and the kids shared for a while until we were ready to not be in the same bed. Ultimately only you will know what dynamic will work best for you and your family.

If theres 4 rooms could you not ask relatives if you could take 2 of the upstairs rooms? Just if you're living there for years I can understand wanting a baby and a toddler in your room but as they grow it will get cramped. Then in 2 or 3 years DCs could share.

Im also wondering if all 4 of you in a room would prevent intimacy if youre living with extended family so maybe you dont want to miss out on the opportunities for 2 rooms?

Personally I think she will get into a better sleep habit in her own room. They say l a lot of physical & mental growth is done when in deep sleep....not much chance of that with a baby. I can see why it may feel more secure/convenient for yourself though but a move seems a good excuse for a switch rather than doing it when she's in primary full time. imo obvs

Do you have a sex life?

I would be concerned if she was sleeping in a room below (ie safety due to being more accessible for intruders, without trying to make that in itself a drama etc), but upstairs - no, wouldn't personally be a problem for us. Maybe use Baby monitors, Baby cams if you are concerned? But your child, your choice.

Poor kid doesn’t stand a chance. What on earth do you think can go wrong if they sleep on a different floor? Do you spend the whole day helicoptering them?

Sounds unnecessary to me.

DH and I both wfh a few days a week, so it’s generally a bit of afternoon delight. It’s been so long since we had sex at night that that didn’t even occur to me. 🤣

However, bedtime sex isn’t on the cards with having them all in one room, either.

I'm the same, I wouldn't want to be on another floor from dd(6)

I grew up in a house with 3 floor so don't really see a problem. Although I'd probably get a camera to put your mind at rest. I still have one in my 4 year old room.

Similar here, DC on a different floor from a few weeks old, it worked brilliantly.

Your child is supposed to sleep in the same room as you for the first six months. That’s not ‘only on Mumsnet’, it’s NHS guidance. Nothing to do with kidnappers or fires, everything to do with SIDS.

Not sure why it's such a big deal for your child to be on a different floor. It's quite common even for far younger children.

Isn't it?

I don't really get the big deal about a 4 year old being on another floor. They aren't in a different country!

Ours were on a different floor to us from 6 months old.

I think it would be detrimental to all of your sleep to be crammed in - the baby will wake her overnight, she might wake the baby in the mornings, you both might wake the kids if you go to bed later etc.

Mine was on a different floor from 6 months old. It was completely fine.

Not unreasonable. My daughter had a room on the floor below us when we lived in a 3 story house and I ended up in her bed EVERY FUCKING NIGHT for 6 years as she would cry for me.

I'm surprised it took so long for someone to question that... I'm aware of the guidance.

But I think it's safe to say a 4 year old is long past the risk of SIDS, so I can't see why a separate floor would be an issue...

I would certainly hope that they aren’t planning on having sex in the same room as their four year old.

I quoted the precise bit of your comment to which I was responding. A 4 year old isn’t at risk of SIDS, that isn’t the case when a baby is ‘a few weeks old’.

So when your child goes up to bed, do you go up to bed with them too?

And please don’t say “what about when she takes an attic room and you’ll be on the floor below”

wasn’t gonna say that.

So you have a 2&4yr. Put them in the room together

and you and dh have a room

4 in one room with a spare sound insane

As I mentioned, I'm aware of the guidance... The NHS also says 'For at least the first 6 months your baby should be in the same room as you when they're asleep, both day and night' - and there's no way that all parents never leave the room their baby is sleeping in 24 hours a day for 6 months?
Either way, this isn't about SIDS, it's about whether a 4 year old can be alone on another floor, and my view remains the same - yes, it's fine.

If that’s what you want, it’s totally fine. In large parts of the world it’s normal and natural for a family to sleep together. In Britain there is a strong cultural norm of making very small children sleep alone away from their parents from a young age. Which is also fine, but it is not normal, necessary, or the only approach. Stick with your instincts, review if you are all exhausted and it isn’t working.

As already stated, I was responding to your assertion that your child was on a separate floor from a few weeks old, and your dismissal of anyone not wanting to do this as MN ridiculousness about kidnappers and fires.

I’m not talking about the OP, I’m talking about you. It’s not ‘only on MN’, you were in contravention of NHS guidance. Your awareness of said guidance does not change that, it just makes it worse.