Fed up of my cousins comments about benefits and UC

[glassor2]

I’m a single mum of two kids, ages 13 and 5. My older son has a relationship with his dad, but my younger son’s dad moved away a couple of years ago and doesn’t see him often-usually once or twice a year. He doesn’t provide any financial support, and since he moves around for work (he used to live in Canada and now lives in Australia), it has been challenging to get child maintenance to chase him.

I work 3-4 days a week (sometimes more if there’s overtime available) and receive a top up from UC. My mum occasionally helps with child care, but she also has a full time job. It can be difficult handling everything on my own, but I manage.

Anyway, I have a family member I'm quite close to, and she often makes comments, not aimed at me, but towards people who claim UC. For example, she mentioned that it's unfair for her to pay almost £300 a month in tax while others can work part time and avoid paying anything (I don’t earn enough to pay tax) and that she has to pay more to subsidise the people that don't. She even told the entire family that she pays almost £400 a month, including national insurance, which made things awkward and nobody knew what to say.

From what I know, she doesn't earn a huge wage, so I can see why it would be frustrating for her to have to pay that much. It's a lot of money. However, it's not our fault, and if she's upset, her anger should be directed at the government, not at those who are rightfully claiming.

Everyone’s situation is different, and some people need help. I never chose to be a single parent, and I can't control the fact that my ex chose to leave and decided not to support his child financially. I'm doing my best, just like many others on UC are.

I don't think she's intentionally trying to upset me, but she is.

AIBU? How do I tackle this?

You would have to prove you’d conducted due diligence for the policy to pay out.

I agree. How is society supposed to support vast numbers of women in OPs position? Single parenthood used to be rare now it's much more common. I don't really see how it's sustainable for all these people to need such a huge amount of extra help bringing up their kids.

All these people who have a partner/husband saying that if they can do it the OP who's child's father is in Australia can do it too.

That's the entitlement... Not seeing how much easier you have it.

The take take take of multi billion pound companies not paying tax, and paying working staff poverty wages is a bigger issue.

Yep. My ex husband did this.

You're being really naive.
Post divorce men who seemed lovely can really show another side.

@CleverButScatty whilst I agree about tax, I don’t so much about wages , given we have minimum wage- I know people were suprised when we moved back from Scandinavia and I said their minimum wage is similar and a much lower starting point for tax too

the problem I feel isn’t wages- it’s more about costs, far too little affordable housing, council tax, little cheap childcare although has improved slightly last few years with a bit more subsidy , expensive utilities etc, etc

Or maybe these kids' parents would be much more selective about when they have kids/who they have them with if they didn't know there would be so much help available.Then there would be much fewer kids being born into poverty in the first place.

So, in your view, the way to reduce children being born into poverty is to remove support for families in poverty? If there’s “so much help available” why are these children still in poverty?

@cadburyegg like a PP said, it's not some crazy concept that people should be in a position to support the kids they have before they have them. If circumstances drastically change that can't be planned for then ofc they should get help until they're back on their feet.

No one disagrees with this “crazy concept”. Multiple people on this thread have given examples of how they were solvent until their marriage breakdown. If you’ve never been through that and haven’t found the immense strength necessary to pull through it whilst looking after young children then you’re not in a position to judge.

OP, I believe in the power of a good STFU in those situations. If she'd only done it once, you could let it slide, but the repeated harping on it is nasty and deserves a rude retort. Presumably she knows your situation so she should know it's directly insulting to you. If she doesn't realize that, she's a massive moron and insensitive AF so she still deserves a STFU. I realize you are close to her and don't want your response to affect the relationship, but what do you really get out of a relationship with somebody like that? She sounds like an insufferable moaner.
You should probably phrase it more gently than STFU and explain to her why it is hurtful to you personally. I'm old and no longer have much patience left, so after I've tolerated asinine comments for a bit I can suddenly get fed up and let loose a STFU. You sound like you have a lot more patience.

What happens if they don't get back on their feet? What if there are health problems, for example? It's quite common to have both mental and physical health problems in the wake of a divorce due to stress. Sometimes people never recover at all and for others it can take years.

But we're talking about society paying for it? Don't take the money if you don't want the judgement.

Yes, because that has really done the trick in third world countries without a social safety net. 🙄
I want to think you're joking, but sad to say I know you are not.

That is the absolute truth. They conveniently forget that they fathered children.

Fine. Where would you like them to source their crystal balls from?

Society contributes to support systems but that doesn’t mean that those needing that support should be judged or shamed. We don’t scrutinise people who benefit from tax breaks or student loans in the same way even though society pays for those too.

I'm talking about people in OPs situation. She wasn't even married I don't think? And if she had any health problems I'm sure she would've mentioned them. That would obviously change things.

We don't live in a third world country, free contraception is available!

The OP wasn’t married? Quick, grab the pitchforks of shame!

No crystal balls needed. The bloke sees his kid twice a year max and doesn't pay towards him-I'm not sure any of his past behaviour would be screaming "Mr Responsible" unless he had a personality transplant.

@intrepidpanda
but very few kids in poverty were born into a solvent household and had an unavoidable change of circumstances.

You can, of course, support that statistical claim with something more than your opinion, right?

Even the change in circumstances situations are usually poor choices and flippant attitudes to relationships and having kids.

Yes, divorcing your cheating/abusive/generally miserable bastard of a husband is a "poor choice" and wanting to be free from abuse is a "flippant attitude towards relationships." Better women should stay and be treated like galley slaves than depend at all on the state, because then you might have to part with some cash and that is intolerable.

Selfishness and the silly rationalizations people make for selfishness are so gross.

Er that's just a fact not a judgement. She didn't have to go through a divorce.

You are really being naive.

There are significant statistics that show most abuse starts when a woman is pregnant.

My ex husband just became a totally different character once we had kids. We had been together 10 years and were married.

None of my friends or family could believe how he changed. It's not unusual.

I was asking you to expand your philosophy to other situations, because if it isn't applicable in other situations it isn't a valid policy. There can't be exceptions to the rule that people in dire straights have the right to assistance, especially if they are exceptions based on them supposedly not deserving it for nebulous reasons. That's all I'm saying.
I appreciate that you realize health problems change the equation.
What difference does her marital status make though?