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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are you happy and married but not necessarily deeply in love… please advise me!

75 replies

Yunsin · 24/07/2025 15:40

Me and DP had a baby after a short relationship. It wasn’t what he wanted and we separated just before DS was born. We are not young and I wanted to keep the baby. When he had met DS, things changed dramatically. He apologised for not being around, he became very involved and we began, tentatively, a relationship again.

DS adores DP. Unfortunately we live some distance and as such, DP travels almost six hours back and forth every few days to spend time with DS. As DS is due to start school in a year or so, conversations have been had about where we go from here.

DP is hugely successful career wise and we have not wanted financially in any way. I can work remotely so that part is workable. He makes me laugh and I do fancy him, he is a loving and caring dad, we enjoy many similar things.

But I don’t know if I’m deeply or completely in love. Does it matter? I’ve not had the best history relationship wise, I’ve easily found relationships and can make connections quickly but I often find a lot of fault with men, often push people away. Some abandonment issues in my childhood I think. It’s hard for me to work out what is actually a good relationship.

What would you do in my position? Would you go for it and try to make a life together?

OP posts:

MyHonestFaves · 24/07/2025 15:42

It sounds like you have something steady, caring, and supportive, even if it’s not fireworks. Real love can grow in time, especially with shared values and mutual respect. If you feel safe, seen, and like you’re a team, that’s worth exploring. No relationship is perfect, but it might be more real than you think.

Glitchymn1 · 24/07/2025 15:47

Hard to answer-

Based on this “He makes me laugh and I do fancy him, he is a loving and caring dad, we enjoy many similar things.” Yes

“Unfortunately we live some distance and as such, DP travels almost six hours back and forth every few days to spend time with DS. As DS is due to start school in a year or so, conversations have been had about where we go from here.” what was the outcome of this conversation?

You are really asking if you should settle and either accept you don’t love him or hope love grows?

How much time do you spend together? I think it’s too early to call it (personally). You must have some kind of love for him?
Is it butterflies you are chasing? as they won’t last forever! What you have seems fairly solid. You’ve said yourself you find fault with men, but you seem to like this one at least?! I think it’s worth trying.

Aliksa · 24/07/2025 15:48

If your dp wants to - yes! I’d go for it.

Life isn’t a Disney movie, and it sounds like your dp is trying really hard to make things work.

Of course moving 3 hours away to live with him is a risk - will you lose the local support family/friends etc? Does he need to be 3 hours away?

Didimum · 24/07/2025 15:48

I don't think it has to matter, but you've had a very unconventional start to things, so I'm not sure it's fair to compare this to how others may feel about their spouses. Sounds like you haven't even really gotten to know each other deeply (and how could you have with a baby almost immediately in the mix and living so far from each other?). I think it's worth more time to find out how happy this set up makes you.

Sweetbeansandmochi · 24/07/2025 15:49

I would.

The Greeks had more than one word for Love that is more reflective of the different types of love that there are.

Life isn’t a Disney movie and what makes a lasting relationship is a commitment to one another, shared values and kindness towards one another.

Trust is built over time and even though there was a tricky start it appears you have built something meaningful over a long period of time.

Love is a choice of your will backed up by your actions. There is something deeply wonderful to be in a relationship where you both are committed to each other in this way.

ComtesseDeSpair · 24/07/2025 15:49

Do you think he’s deeply in love with you? Would it upset you to find out he isn’t and could post much the same about you as you have him?

It sounds as though you have something which works and which you are both happy with. There’s nothing wrong with that. But perhaps it’s the physical distance, and that you don’t live in each other’s pockets, and he doesn’t, right now, have to have to commit fully to being a partner or a parent which helps it to work and allows for contentment. You might find the cracks appearing when that changes, and there won’t be the depth of feeling behind the relationship to support the cracks. You need to communicate with each other on these things.

Sweetbeansandmochi · 24/07/2025 15:50

Aliksa · 24/07/2025 15:48

If your dp wants to - yes! I’d go for it.

Life isn’t a Disney movie, and it sounds like your dp is trying really hard to make things work.

Of course moving 3 hours away to live with him is a risk - will you lose the local support family/friends etc? Does he need to be 3 hours away?

Haha great minds - I was writing that about Disney movies while you must have been posting it!

Sh291 · 24/07/2025 15:52

If he hadn't left you heavily pregnant I'd say go for it, but I'm willing to bet he doesn't truly love you either, hes just there for his son.

needapokerface · 24/07/2025 15:56

Can you imagine never seeing him again or hearing from him again....does it hurt or are you not that bothered.

If it hurts then I would move forward and enjoy your life with your son and your partner.

LavenderBlue19 · 24/07/2025 15:58

What's he like as a partner? You can be a good dad but a shit partner, and that's what will end in break up/divorce. Especially if he has a big job which earns all the money and leaves you feeling second-best.

I would advise against moving away from all your friends and family.

Cyclebabble · 24/07/2025 16:01

As an older Mumsnetter my experience is that things go up and down a bit over the years. I have never thought that our marriage was awful, but there have been years when it feels as if you are treading water a bit. Particularly when DCs are small and you are tired. I think if you have a good working relationship where there is mutual respect and things work between you, I would work at it and see what happens. No one can tell anyone to stay in a relationship and only you can decide what you do, but I would work on it.

JosieMain · 24/07/2025 16:04

I think it comes down to what each of you want in life, want in a relationship and what you want in your near to long term future.

you’re both going to be in each others lives forever - you have a child together. he is also providing financial support to you and your son.

Id start with - what do you want from a relationship? what kind of personality, characteristics do you want. What kind of lifestyle and values are essential to you. I’d be clear in yourself what you need and what you want.

you say you may have abandonment issues from childhood - that may be something you may feel you’d like to explore with a therapist and find ways to address and manage these in relationships moving forwards too.

love is a leap of faith - it’s a risk. I feel love is like a faith in other ways (even tho I’m not of a faith)… you have to keep believing, you have to keep practicing that faith, demonstrating your love in the ways that work for you and your partner. It needs constant work, but love when it works, it does just flow - it’s that invisible feeling that you “know” is there btw you both.

take your time to explore this - work out what you need and want. Talk to your partner. See if your joint needs, wants, values are compatible. Take it from there.

Tulpenkavalier · 24/07/2025 16:06

Whatever you choose to do, make sure you keep your financial independence, including pensions and other investments. As an unmarried mother you are always likely to be financially vulnerable - don’t risk ending up poor while he plays the doting father.

growinguptobreakingdown · 24/07/2025 16:07

Have your previous relationships been with steady people op?It took me years to figure out what I thought was love was actually anxiety or other strong emotions - worried they would dump me, making up after rows, desperate for them to call, trying to keep them etc. I've been with DH 28 years now - he is steady, loving, dependable , secure and the best Dad. For the 1st 10 years I tried to mess that up because I wasn't used to not having drama - those fireworks aren't always love they can be drama and that does not make a happy marriage and family. Maybe counselling for you to stop you repeating patterns and see what you are running away from might helpful?

beetr00 · 24/07/2025 16:07

it doesn't have to be either or @Yunsin

You haven't even lived together "en famille".

Your son is lucky that both parents, obviously love him.

I would be cautious for yourself though.

You do not have to settle for "companionship", that tends to come 35-40 years down the line.

You, will also be the one uprooting your whole life just to save the father of your son a 6 hour trip?

Do you feel loved and cherished by him? Or do you feel he only sees you as the mother of his son?

You seem so resilient and strong @Yunsin, there is a smart decision to be made here but not at your expense.

Good luck!

W0tnow · 24/07/2025 16:09

I would try, yes. I wouldn’t necessarily move in with him though.

Lafufufu · 24/07/2025 16:11

I'd keep some financial independence but I'd make a go if it
He's a good man, the father of your child and is financially literate/ responsible... the raw materials for a good life already there.

HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe · 24/07/2025 16:13

Yes, in your situation I absolutely would, given that you fancy him and enjoy spending time with him.

Love - real, true, abiding love - is often steady, quiet, perhaps a little unexciting in some people's eyes, but strong. It's a treasure that should never be underestimated.

Pootles34 · 24/07/2025 16:15

Would you be happy to move near him, but not with him? I think that might work, but do be very sure about moving, as once you've done it he might block you moving away (and DS will be at school etc.)

However, if you think you might be happy in that area, it would be good for DS to live near his dad even if you don't end up together.

HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe · 24/07/2025 16:18

But you could go slowly, no need to rush - move close to him but keep your own place. Try out living together a few days a week without the pressure of doing so fulltime. I'd say you stay at his place off and on rather than him coming to yours (so you always have a base that's just for you and your son until you know for certain that living together works and suits everyone). My now DH and I lived apart for 12 years whilst very much in a committed relationship.

margaritabonita · 24/07/2025 16:26

I’d recommend some therapy to explore your feelings on relationships and how they’ve panned out. Equally recommend the book ‘Attached’ to understand this a bit more.

Delphiniumandlupins · 24/07/2025 16:34

You would need a very open conversation (probably several) about what you both want and expect. Are you planning marriage, living together or close by? Are you sharing a bed, sex life and finances? Any more DC? I think you have a stronger base than many relationships but you need to be sure that you are both equally committed (and protected if things don't work out).

WitcheryDivine · 24/07/2025 16:34

How would it work if he moved to you?

where you live is your son’s home - it doesn’t sound like he’s ever gone off to stay with his father?

If you decided you wanted to live nearer this man, I would start by renting nearby (maybe term it as a holiday to your son) and see how things are when you’re in the same town. Hard to see the reality when every time you see your son’s father he is away from his home and work etc.

Were you living near each other when you met?

wonkyfruit · 24/07/2025 17:10

I would take steady, caring, supportive and nice over 'fireworks' and 'madly in love' any day. I made major life decisions based on 'madly in love' and I really regret it.

MuggleMe · 24/07/2025 17:28

I enjoy spending time with my DH, he's kind and we're a good team, but I don't fancy him physically any more. We've been together nearly 20 years and I don't think the grass is greener. He's a bit of a homebody so I just rely on my friends and family for the more social adventurous side that he doesn't fulfill.

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