Are you happy and married but not necessarily deeply in love… please advise me!

[Yunsin]

Me and DP had a baby after a short relationship. It wasn’t what he wanted and we separated just before DS was born. We are not young and I wanted to keep the baby. When he had met DS, things changed dramatically. He apologised for not being around, he became very involved and we began, tentatively, a relationship again.

DS adores DP. Unfortunately we live some distance and as such, DP travels almost six hours back and forth every few days to spend time with DS. As DS is due to start school in a year or so, conversations have been had about where we go from here.

DP is hugely successful career wise and we have not wanted financially in any way. I can work remotely so that part is workable. He makes me laugh and I do fancy him, he is a loving and caring dad, we enjoy many similar things.

But I don’t know if I’m deeply or completely in love. Does it matter? I’ve not had the best history relationship wise, I’ve easily found relationships and can make connections quickly but I often find a lot of fault with men, often push people away. Some abandonment issues in my childhood I think. It’s hard for me to work out what is actually a good relationship.

What would you do in my position? Would you go for it and try to make a life together?

Perfect response , i completely agree.

I don’t really understand what it is you don’t like

If you decide to do this, get married and commit properly. Not only will this offer protection, it will give you some sense of security that he won’t leave again.

If he is not willing to marry, I would stay friends and not allow the relationship to continue in its current form.

If you are the one moving and sacrificing your life where you are, you need to know it is worth it, with some security and safe guards. It would also be better for your son. To become a family unit.

It will test his commitment to you and a future together.

I think given you have had a baby, and he is now school age, expecting fireworks is unrealistic.

I also wonder if you have been in some rocky relationships and associate poor behaviour and unhealthy relationship patterns as ‘passion’ and ‘feeling’ when it’s actually just toxic and bad for you.

A calm and gentle relationship based on values, intimacy and friendship won’t be dramatic, but it is the foundation of something long lasting, and it could be very fulfilling.

The relationship "wasn't what he wanted" so he ended it when she was pregnant. I'm not sure why people are glossing over this massively important red flag!

I dont think you will connect less by living nearer or together.

Suck it and see. Try to be sure before moving in though for your dc sake.

You are asking whether you should commit to the father of your child, who is a doting father, sexy, kind, wealthy and hardworking?

Er, yes. There are elements of pragmatism in a long term relationship and that list is a really good one.

I used to be rubbish in relationships - got restless and unhappy as soon as they started to shift from the passionate 'in love' phase to the more sustainable and settled 'love' stage. I found the book The Road Less Travelled had very helpful advice on making that transition. (The book overall didn't impress me much - it read like a long advert for therapy - but the sections on love were really good.)

It won't be true for everyone, but I think for many people, this sort of relationship is ideal for long term marriage. It is for me. You need someone you like and trust who doesn't need to be your first passionate priority 24/7 once you have kids. Someone you love but who doesn't trigger that obsessive desire all the time because actually you have to mop up the cat sick and find the PE kit and have that difficult meeting with an overseas client at 10pm and so on. That's life, and you need someone stable and trustworthy and kind at your side to go through it.

The most passionate relationship I ever had was with a man I had loads in common with, and I have never ever felt that way about anyone else physically. But he was too full-on for me. Life had to be non-stop passionate intensity and after a while it was exhausting. We stayed friends and I know he was a rubbish husband to the woman he married - had lots of affairs, nearly left her for someone when DC were small and again nearly left just when his DC were doing GCSEs and A levels. He played havoc with the stable domesticity of family life. They are still together but they have been in and out of therapy and had long periods of being deeply unhappy, and it affected their DC. I am so glad I didn't hitch up with him just because I melted every time I saw him. That really would have been settling!

Being madly in love tends to bring a lot of unpleasantness - you are only that madly in love when you are insecure about the other person's intentions. I've certainly been there but I've been married for over thirty years and I have to say that after a certain point nice manners and kindness counts for more than wanting to rip somebody's clothes off. My husband is a good man and a good parent. I can honestly say he has been the love of my life. When our teenage son had a rare and unusual cancer, he was a rock. Love does grow over time - that is why so many arranged marriages are very successful. Yes, perhaps the initial attraction was that you were the mother of his child but you obviously are both attracted to each other. The idea that you should break up now before DS doesn't know any different in case you break up later is simply ludicrous. I think you should grab this with both hands.

Do it OP! Life is short, take a risk. It sounds good and you don't know what's around the corner. Don't ever do the 'what if'.... Give it a chance ❤️

It sounds a better deal than many who start threads on Mumsnet.
Di you have that feeling of fireworks when you first met him and conceived the DC?
He has changed massively you have developed slowly, you both seem to be getting closer to the same place.

Why doesn’t he want to move nearer to you and your/ your DC’s support group?

I realise that he’s got a good job - and all the extras that come with this - but there are other good jobs out there, nearer to you so he could try finding one.

Whilst it could be good and all work out, you’d be having the upheaval, and have to fit in to his life, maybe fit into his house etc. He gets to keep everything the same, travel less and - very possibly - not contribute as much financially. It’d also be far more traumatic for everyone, especially your DC, if you subsequently separated. If this happened you’d then need his permission to move away again.

I’d recommend keeping things as they are until you really know each other and aren’t still on best behaviour. It’s so different being with someone in ‘their space’ occasionally for a weekend to being together day in, day out

I think this has potential to be a very happy relationship if you don’t keep craving an ideal that may be impossible but focus on all the good things you share.

You’ve missed out saying what he said about what he wants and why.

It is risky to move closer if you are happy where you are, as he could potentially prevent your child moving away again if it didn’t work out. Do you have any support network where he lives? Is it somewhere you’d choose to live?

Things are so different in long distance relationships to living together. There are so many things to squabble over every day. If you are working from home will you be left to clear mess from each morning and expected to get the washing done in work time? Will he want to stay in on evenings and weekends to recover from his big job while you want to get out after wfh all week? Will you get time to yourself outside of work? Would you be expected to be the homemaker supporting his big earning career? Would you be expected to pick up all the housework and childcare or would he do some or hire a cleaner? Would your career suffer at all? Does he want another child? How would that impact you and your career?

Not trying to be negative as it could all be lovely. I have just fallen foul of a lot of the above. If your husband is pushing for you to live with him, ask him to describe how a typical week would look,how you would work as a team, who would do what, and really listen. If he wants you to move closer but separately, I would be extremely hesitant and get legal advice first unless it’s somewhere you’re keen to live forever. If these kind of conversations feel risky like they might spoil the mood, I would go ahead and burst that bubble now instead of blindly moving into it. Relationships need to be able to handle different conversations - if he can’t reasonably discuss, compromise, negotiate, dont do it.

This.
I wouldn't be moving.
You could get stuck there, far away from this life.
He needs to make the move.
You, and only you wanted this baby.
He changed his mind after the event.

Get some therapy about your issues, but I wouldn't be moving anywhere.

Too often women regret it on MN and are left stuck.

Whst sort of life support do you have where you live?
Is he offering marriage and financial security or is everything on his terms?

It's not ideal. But actually he did her a massive favour being completely honest rather than doing what many men do in that situation which is try to pretend they want to be there, and end up being hugely resentful and acting like massive arseholes or complete man-babies when the baby comes along. Not ideal either.

What matters is how he is now, and how he behaves with his son.

Although points above could definitely be true too. If he hasn't actually said straight out that he wants to be with you/live with you, then I'd certainly stay well clear of that and just live nearer to him to facilitate good co-parenting.

Definitely including everything @wannagoome says.

I think a lot of people aren't passionately and madly in love, and honestly think that can be a bit of a myth. True love is patient, kind, and gentle. It's compromise and friendship, and the ability to put someone else's needs above yours sometimes. It's about trust. You fancy him, he's a good dad, and you have a good friendship. That's a great foundation for love.

He travels to you to see his son, where you’ve already done all the shitwork of sorting out your son’s routine, tidying up after him, organising his daily care, taking care of him and time off work when he’s sick. Meanwhile, DP is essentially a single man who gets to return to his clean, quiet, childfree home and focus on his work and his social life and himself. How does he actually feel about when there’s going to be an expectation that he’s equal parent, needs to do his share of sorting DS, taking time off for sickness and holiday care, can’t please himself in his spare time because you’ll want family time together?

Deep love doesn’t necessarily mean fireworks and fairytales: but it does mean somebody who cares for, respects, and has your back enough to genuinely want to shoulder half the load so you don’t have to. If he doesn’t love you or feel that way but the current arrangement works because he doesn’t have to, that puts you in a vulnerable position. Until you’ve seen whether he’s going to step up properly, I wouldn’t move your whole life assuming that it will grow.

If you give up being a single lady make sure he puts a ring on it!

If you enjoy intimacy with him and have orgasms that’s a good starting point.

I love my DH to the moon and back. He makes me laugh, he is genuinely the person I would choose to spend my time with everytime, and he's my best friend. We bicker a bit, but we both know we have each other's back 100%.

Our life isn't all romance and passion. We have two young kids that are both testing us to the limit. Aging parents that are starting to worry us a lot. Work stress. House responsibilities and boring conversations about finances and when to replace the dishwasher that's on the blink. I think that is the reality of a strong, dependable marriage tbh. Life isn't always rainbows and love hearts, and what creates long-term bonds is knowing that you can rely on someone and continue to enjoy their companionship.

My sister (older) is always chasing passion and that honeymoon feeling. As a result she has in the past disregarded men that would have given her a much more fulfilling life long-term because she assumed that when the relationship became stable (not as honeymoonish!) that it must be wrong and she would be 'settling'. TV shows have given us the wrong impression I think!

Who would move and make the sacrifices and where are family and friends?

I am reading a lot of comments about how much effort he is putting into being a good Father but I think that what you are asking about is whether this is a good relationship for you and your child- this is a different matter. Whilst he is showing you that he is being a great Dad, is he being a great partner? Relationships are tough, especially with a young child but if he is only getting “the good bits” is this an accurate representation of what you would have as family living together?
The fact that you can work remotely is an advantage in that you aren’t tided down geographically and are able to make a move and take a chance. BUT, all that risk is placed upon you just because he is the “big earner.” Is he prepared to make the same sacrifices? At the moment, he is travelling to you, albeit a distance, when it works for him. What would he be like if having a child inconvenienced him?
I’m not suggesting that this hasn’t got potential to be a great family unit. It sounds like you’ve dealt with some of the biggest challenges first but it does raise some things to consider.

Madly no, deeply yes.

I think it's the being together sharing the mundane and every day that bonds

"DP travels almost six hours back and forth every few days to spend time with DS." It's telling that you said DS here rather than "us".

Every marriage or LTR is different. Yours doesn't have to fit your preconceptions or anyone else's. There is no qualifying standard - if you both feel you are in a relationship then you are in a relationship, it doesn't have to have all the trappings that people commonly choose such as living together, sharing finances, marriage.

I wonder if there is almost a third way here. An unusual relationship perhaps, eg with separate households close to each other. One whose foundations stand on mutual respect, friendship or even co-parenting rather than romance or sex - but such relationships can still run deep and include those things. Redefine the relationship to be something that works for you. It doesn't have to look like anyone else's.

Understanding where he is coming from is important, as is protecting your own assets and set up. If "committing" to the man who left you pregnant and alone means making yourself vulnerable, emotionally and financially, then think very carefully before going down that path. But hacking out an alternative path that keeps you and your son protected, respected and with all the autonomy you need - go for it. Beware of a romantic relationship leading to a shift in the power balance so you are more exposed. I'm not saying avoid a relationship, I'm just saying think carefully about the power dynamic and protect it. Don't be the one who ends up doing most of the compromising, however superficially sensible that seems.