Are you happy and married but not necessarily deeply in love… please advise me!

[Yunsin]

Me and DP had a baby after a short relationship. It wasn’t what he wanted and we separated just before DS was born. We are not young and I wanted to keep the baby. When he had met DS, things changed dramatically. He apologised for not being around, he became very involved and we began, tentatively, a relationship again.

DS adores DP. Unfortunately we live some distance and as such, DP travels almost six hours back and forth every few days to spend time with DS. As DS is due to start school in a year or so, conversations have been had about where we go from here.

DP is hugely successful career wise and we have not wanted financially in any way. I can work remotely so that part is workable. He makes me laugh and I do fancy him, he is a loving and caring dad, we enjoy many similar things.

But I don’t know if I’m deeply or completely in love. Does it matter? I’ve not had the best history relationship wise, I’ve easily found relationships and can make connections quickly but I often find a lot of fault with men, often push people away. Some abandonment issues in my childhood I think. It’s hard for me to work out what is actually a good relationship.

What would you do in my position? Would you go for it and try to make a life together?

What does ‘deeply in love’ look or feel like to you? Or what do you think it should feel like?

I’ve been with my husband almost my whole adult life, and we’ve been married nearly 15 years. We’ve been through difficult times, ‘adventures’, have two children together. He’s my best friend and I trust him absolutely. He considers me first in every big decision he makes and also in many little ways, and I put him first (I guess we actually put each other second as the kids really come first…) We are a partnership in everything: there have been times where I have earned more and put more in the pot, there are times where he has but financially we’ve always been a team working towards the same goal. We have the same values for raising our children and about life in general. We may disagree occasionally and he frequently irritates me but we have never had a ‘row’. I consider all this to mean we are ‘deeply in love’. You’ll notice that none of that is about butterflies, ‘can’t live without you’ passion. That was there in the beginning, I guess, but the butterflies and passion have deepened into a feeling of deep contentment, trust and genuine togetherness.

For me, I could not feel that sense of common values and trust with a man who left me whilst I was pregnant but that might not be the correct interpretation of what happened (I can see how it could have come about as more of a mutual agreement in an unexpected and challenging situation). You might have different values or ‘lines in the sand’. My personal opinion is that you have a better chance of building a long term stable relationship with someone you trust to be there for you and put you first than someone you have butterflies for and where the relationship feels exciting - that usually doesn’t last or the excitement is actually because you’re never really sure where you stand. The question is whether you have that trust.

As someone else said life isn’t a Disney film.

All you can do is try, I think based on what you’ve said you should probably give it a go.

Sounds like love to me.

Can't you just move closer together but keep separate homes and take things slowly to see how it goes?

Go for it. No marriage is all hearts and flowers after the first few months. You have a dependable lovely man and you are a family now, you owe it to your son to make a little family unit for him to grow up and thrive

Honestly, we met and got pregnant very quickly. Our relationship was almost backwards - getting to know each other properly and dating once we had a child. I think I loved him more than he did me right from the start but I can say that as our lives have interwoven and we have grown together through the years we have fallen deeper and deeper in love. We have been together now for 13 years and we are getting married next year with our 3 children by our sides. I think you can definitely grow into love if you both have the same outlook and commitment to each other and your children. I have never felt more loved or secure than i do right now nor have I felt more in love. We have been through so much together over the years and every struggle or challenge has genuinely brought us together even more and made us stronger. Same for attraction and sex, we have grown together and matured together. He gives me butterflies when he looks at me 'that' way, more now than he ever did as a buff gym worshipping 25 year old. If you are honest with your feelings, have common goals, your values align and are both willing to take a chance then I don't see why in 15 years time you won't be sat here writing the same thing. Sometimes it really is worth taking a chance on love.

This sounds like me, in the past I’ve never struggled to meet men but always the wrong men, I’ve had counselling in the past about men issues… assault and my own father.

I met my now husband during Covid, I feel pregnant very quickly after meeting him, it just felt right, he is the most genuine and the kindest man I’ve ever met, am I in love with him…. I answer this with….. can I be myself around him- yes! Ultimately I can do whatever I want he respects me and me him.

id say the one thing I crave a bit more of is sex….. the dirty kind I had when I was single!

so if it means I only get a quickie in the kitchen once a year for a loyal and caring man then I’ll take that.

hope this helps.

sounds like you got a good one there don’t let it slip away.

20 odd years married and never been fireworks. We were super young (and stupid) but we worked at it, did counselling over tricky bits. We appreciate each other, still fancy him and don't take each other for granted.

Him making me a cuppa without being asked or picking up my fav chocolate when he nips to the shops to me thats love. Showing you think of them and care.

I'll be married 30 years in two months to a man who didn't make me as weak in the knees as other previous relationships.

But there was something deep and strong there that has kept us going 30 years plus. Through a myriad of hard times. That's what I consider deep love. Deep love isn't exciting or sizzling sex every minute - its someone whose willing to be there when you need him.

Your description of your DP sounds very similar to my DH.

I'd go for it.

Could you move near dp and rent your own place? See if it feels right?

Its a great starting point for a relationship, kindness and teamwork are better long term than fireworks anyway. Could he move temporarily closer or vice versa? Ideally if he can rent for 6 mths near you then you can see how it goes without the all or nothing of immediately living together. If you're thinking you'd move to him and settle your son into school near him I'd have some worries as once settled in school its a wrench to move away. It's really hard moving in together, even if deeply in love. People do annoying things, you'll need to build a new life rhythm, he will do things you think are weird and vice versa. So if you find it's too much, but you've moved to him, what happens then? Would you be happy there without him. It'd be much better if you could be near each other, somewhere you and your son are happy but where you can see each other much more regularly, he can stay over when you wish, and then when you're ready to move in together you're much more used to each other... it definitely can work, but from what you've said about your background, maybe get some therapy alongside trying so that you've got a sounding board and a place to vent. You also don't want to mess your son around with "dad's moving in" then a year later he's moving out. I'd say find a middle ground and gradually move up to a permanent, traditional family living together situation if that's still what you want then.

You certainly have enough there to give it a shot!

real life is not a Disney movie / all flowers and passionate love. It is mutual respect, help around the home and yes fancying one a bit helps etc. Real love grows from things like this, it can be tested when things go wrong and it won’t always go well when it is tested. Children can also test a relationship.

I would say give this a go, I heard a speech once about recommending to opt for the brown rice variety in men and not the fancy spicy firework type. I think there is something in that.

I wouldn't move area for a man unless I was married first .
If he is offering marriage,I would definitely give serious thoughts to moving to him as a family
Otherwise no I would stay put

No. I wouldn’t get into a relationship with him but I would move to be closer to happily co-parent. This is your whole life you’re talking about! Don’t settle.

Lots of posts about you moving to be near to him, but what about the other way round? Could he move himself and his job?

In your shoes, I think I'd engage with therapy to look at my views on relationships. And possibly move closer to him in my own flat, to make co parenting easier

But at some point I think you need to make a decision about what you want. And that might be to stay single but have a good co parenting relationship

It's not settling. At all. That lie keeps a lot of people really unhappy in life.

Choosing to love and cherish a man who loves you, treats you well, that you fancy and enjoy being with/get on well with is not settling.

@GreenCandleWax the reason why everyone is mentioning OP moving is that she has said that's workable with her job.

OP said 6 hrs back and forth

I wouldn't say I'm in love with my OH, but I do love him, and he me, so yeah it can work.

*I'm not sure OP has actually said that he loves her. But if he does, and if he has said he wants to be with her, this is just as good a foundation for a potential marriage/lifetime together as 'ohhh I'm madly in love/fireworks/we fancy the pants off each other'.

I think OP probably meant 6 hours round trip. But that's still a lot of travel to see your child and to do your part in active parenting.

But if he does go 6 hours back and forth, good for him!

@Yunsin I hope it works out brilliantly for you, whatever you decide!

We had the ‘honeymoon period’ for a long time prior to getting married as had no responsibilities other than our jobs and an easily manageable mortgage for almost a decade (and only needing to think about ourselves). You have it totally different with having a child after a shorter relationship. You are not going to be in what you would describe as the ‘madly in love’ stage as you have had to quickly deal with the serious responsibilities of raising a child.

20+ years of marriage and I would still describe myself as deeply in love though. To me, that means you can make it through anything - deaths, health stress, financial pressures, work stress, raising kids and the list could go on and on. I still look always forward to spending time with my DH (and at other times, he completely annoys me!) 😂and I know we could face anything together.

Do you think he is the person you could get through anything with? Life is full of challenges and every marriage takes work. Being a team and always there for each other matters more in the long term.

I think I would chose a good father and man who makes me laugh over being deeply in love. I do wonder if there is actually a relationship here though and what he feels for you. You say he drives every few days to see DS rather than see you and DS. Does he want to be with you as a person or does he just love his DS and want a family unit? If it's the latter you're at risk of him being gone when the child grows up and you've possibly missed the chance of finding a life partner. He may even go sooner if he finds someone he loves, you could too. If that happens whilst you are living separately your DS won't know any different. If it happens when you're living together and he is older it could be detrimental to him. Maybe one of you will fall for the other and be heartbroken when if it ends. I'd really take some time to consider the decision and get an idea of what your DP actually feels for you as an individual rather than the mother of his child.