Sister is pregnant, living with Grandparent

[Closetangel]

Hi I would like some advice of how to navigate this situation.
Dsis is 29, she's 9 weeks pregnant by a man she's been seeing for 6 months, they are not in a serious relationship. She lives and cares for my 94 year old Grandmother (she's lucid, and can get around with a walker).
AIBU to think this is selfish of her ? She intentionally got pregnant because they weren't using anything protection, she wants to stay at my Grandmother's but she hasn't told her yet( I think she's reluctant to because I don't think Grandmother will be happy). What so I say that her to get her to think about what she's doing.

So you have kids and can’t see why a 29yo woman wants one?

Well if you’d be able to pitch in if that was the situation then why aren’t you doing more right now. You’d still have your two children then!
I think you need to mind your own business. Your sister’s life is ultimately, nothing to do with you.

I’m guessing that OP is worried grandma will leave the house to her live in granddaughter and great grand child.

Now she's expecting , you ( as a family ) will have to pull together and help more , yes you have children , but soon so will she .

congratulations to her, i am sure the grandmother will love to have a great grand child

The reality is that whether you and your other sibling can help out more with your grandmother or not, your pregnant sibling doesn't have to do all she does for your grandmother and rely on the other grandchildren as sitters if she wants to go on holiday or out ect. If it doesn't work out she can leave, get Universal credit and a flat or accommodation of some kind i sense that the present arrangement is convenient for other members of the family and you don't want it changed but being with a 93 year old all the time is not a great life for a young woman. I wouldn't do it , free rent or not. Its very sad that she has mo autonomy and has to 'sneak' her boyfriend in. Perhaps she wants a baby but has also done this to feel more in charge of her own life. This arrangement seems more convenient to others than to her. I think if you want it to continue you need to encourage a more equal arrangement with your grandmother and also acknowledge to your sister that, whether others can help out more or not, it's not your sister's job to keep the present arrangement going if she is snt happy in it.

Your sister has been caring for your grandmother meaning you don’t have to, yet you think she’s selfish for also living her own life having a baby? Yes her circumstances aren’t ideal, but that’s none of your business. Why don’t get to have 2 kids but she doesn’t? Why does she feel she has to ‘sneak’ a boyfriend in, she’s an adult, she can sleep with whoever she wants! Sounds like you are just worried you might have to start doing more for your grandma so that your sister can have her own life. Your grandma might ask her to move out but then she’d still need care wouldn’t she? She has no right to be annoyed at your adult sister either. Why don’t you try supporting your sister rather than judging her, that’s what family is for.

Oh gosh, I've been in your sisters shoes and I really feel for her. I was duty bound to my DGP's because they took me in and took on the parent roll through my abusive childhood with my actual mum. In a warped way, they controlled many aspects of my life drumming into me that it was just because they cared. They, too, didn't like me having intimate relationships of my own and I have had many arguments with them when the forced me to choose being disowned by them or continuing a relationship with a man they didn't want me to see. This only happened to me, not my siblings or other family members, just me. But they were also always there every time I needed someone, which cemented my belief that I owed them. I cared for my DGM all through my pregnancy and afterwards until she died when my DD was 5 month old. I was a single mum and had absolutely no support myself but still had more responsibilities than 1 person should have had to handle and guess what, everyone in the family stood back and made it my job. I wont lie, when my DGM died I was heartbroken but I was also relieved that the stress of having to care for another human that i didnt choose to do on my own was reduced.

Leave your sister alone and pick up more slack, or atleast have some compassion here because she is ultimately making your life easier being burdened with all this. She is allowed her own life and to have children when she wants. Maybe she did plan the pregnancy, maybe she thought it was her only way out of the responsibility that has been shoved on her. YABVU here.

Your sister deserves to have a life too

Not many people would give up their life to help an elderly relative

Carers allowance is a pathetic amount £83 a week !

www.gov.uk/carers-allowance

My sister wanted to live with me grandmother, and has been managing really well. We've told we'll get carers in the evening so she can have some free time but she doesn't want that..it's not about having to step up when she has the baby, of course I'll help but I feel like she's known this guy since April and it's crazy to me to get pregnant by someone she barely knows! As usual mumsnet style you've all gone and made assumptions that it's because we will have to step in, that's far from the truth , which I have already said but you're still carrying on with the idea that my family don't want to help out.

Be honest, how much of this is worrying about your sister? And how much of it is worrying someone else in the family (you?) will have to pick up the slack looking after your GM when your sister has the baby?

She's 29, perfectly able to have a baby and look after it herself.
Don't judge what your GM will think before she knows.

Cross Post: I still think it's more about that.
Plenty of people have babies with people they only know a short time, or only know 1 night! Don't be so judgemental!

The responsibility was not shoved on her. You and my sister are definitely not in the same situation!!!!

The contempt you are referring to your sister and her current life choices in would say that our situations are more similar than you think. But what would you know? You're not the one giving up your life to care for a family member whilst openly not being allowed to have a partner/life then being called selfish for going against that demand.

Judging your sister for choosing to become pregnant with someone she’s known only a couple of months is at odds with your assertion that your family are really close and supportive of one another.

Did it occur to you that maybe she just really wants to have a baby? Or that maybe this relationship will last?

YABVU to expect your sister to live by standards you’d set for yourself. Just support your sister and get excited for a new niece or nephew. If she has to move out of your grandmothers house because your grandmother doesn’t want a baby living there, then you’ve already indicated you’d be happy to share the care burden going forward. So what’s the issue except shaming your sister for becoming pregnant early in a relationship or at a time you don’t think she should be pregnant??

So what is the problem then?

I'm not entirely sure what the problem is. It sounds as though your grandmother requires support, company and someone on hand, and maybe housework and meal prep rather than round the clock hands on care, so your sister could continue to fulfil that role with a baby, albeit with some extra bought in help if necessary such as a cleaner perhaps. Your grandmother may of course not consider it ideal to have a baby in the house (though this is an assumption. She may love it!) bit sadly when we reach the age where our independence is compromised, we can't always have exactly what we want. In her case, she will need to consider the least worst option from a baby in her home, living alone or a care home. What's not fair is to expect a young woman to restrict her own choices about pregnancy to give her grandmother her ideal scenario. If I were you I'd not meet trouble half way and I'd not say anything negative to your sister (unless you want a big fall and drama) as it won't help to scold and judge her. Wait and see what your GM thinks.

To be fair op you did say up thread that you and your other sister couldn't step up more because you have kids. You only changed your tune on that after it became clear that the majority on here think your sister has a right to have a baby if she wishes. If your grandma wants your sister to stay around, if she is willing to, she will need to understand that although the house is hers, your sister is an adult who can chose when/where/who she sees. Your grandma is fortunate to have a live in family member care for her. If it doesn't work for either of them new arrangements will have to be made for all concerned. Your sister is not the first on these boards to choose to have a child in less than ideal circumstances and she won't be the last. She needs love and support regarding her own personal circumstances, not guilt tripped about her grandma's, especially not with implications that she shouldn't be having this baby.

I think at 29 she can manage her own choice. Ideally everyone would be in a loving, stable marriage before having children but for many life just doesn't pan out quite like that.

If she wants the baby and is able to properly care for her child, then it's upto her.

There seems to be alot going on.

Was your sister always close to her grandmother, and what was she doing before granny needed care

How long has she been living with her as a full time carer and did she give up a job to do it?

As an aside, most people have 2 or 3 live in carers if needed, and that costs a fortune, which is why councils who fund it are keener to put them in a home at around £1K a week, as they wont pay for live in/overnight, and max you get is 4 visits a day to check up on you)

Does grandmother own her own home? By your sister living there and caring for her, your sister is preventing the home having to be sold and pay for care, or for paying for care directly - I hope that she is claiming carers allowance and your grandmother is getting attendance allowance, as without that her pension contributions are not being paid.

If she isnt working she is relying on only UC and a carers element to live on. Thats quite a sacrifice when it comes to building a career and personal pension / foot on the housing ladder, and shouldnt be dismissed as 'not working and living rent free.

And yes, she is entitled to a life but has had to resort to teenage sneakery to avoid upsetting the grandmother, who likely was brought up at a time where casual sexual relationships were frowned upon and sharing beds not allowed. Thats a toll, not something to be dismissed again. Would you like to have to act as if you were 15 again?

People have often lived in multigenerational households. Granny might like it. She might not, and ultimately its going to be down to her given its her home and her care. But she may balance things up and think its fine.

Your sister might just really want a child. Not everyone is career driven. If she were to do it 'properly' - ie meet someone, date, get engaged, get marrid, buy a home and then think about a family, she might feel that its a timescale she risks missing out on, so she is grabbing the chance for something for HER while she can. Single parenthood has always happened. It may not be the way you think she should.

Is there a concern that the house will be left to her as she has a baby and lives there? Does granny have the capacity to change a will. You realise she may just leave it to her anyway for the care, she may not even have a will, or she could leave everything to the cats home. Thats Granny's decision.

FFS! nothing to do with a will, Granny has already written one which is fair to all of us. You lot make me laught

well you hadnt said, so was wondering where this concern about your sisters choices to not work and look after granny were coming from.

will aside, the rest of the post is valid

"Us lot" make you laugh because we disagree with you?

Then what is it to do with?

Looks like it. Incidentally a will that was fair to all of them would be one that left the house to the sibling doing all the caring.