To ask what for advice on becoming a grandparent

[Lifebeganat50]

(Previous username resurrected for a name change!)

We found out last night that dd is pregnant-absolutely over the moon!

what’s the best advice you can give for being absolutely supportive and creating the best relationship between us at this point, without overstepping anything?

Her partner asked her last night if she’d breast or bottle feed, what did I think, and I just said that you feed a baby in the way that works best for you…was this the right approach? I bf my babies very successfully but I don’t want her to feel under any pressure, but I don’t want to appear disinterested

What is your relationship like?

Expect parenting advice to have changed eg sleeping on back vs front. No water to newborns. Paced bottle feeding.

dont give unsolicited advice - they will come to you if they want help

@Eleanorlock its not bad, we’re not desperately close, although I wish we were closer-I’ve made mistakes in the past which I’ve acknowledged and we’re building things well…I just want to get the balance right

Thank you, I’ll check current advice, it was “back to sleep” when I had my kids (late 1990s) but it’s a good idea to check other things too

Ok so deal with repairing the core of the relationship between you and your daughter first before anything else

Find moments to praise her. I found when I was a mum everyone was full of helpful advice but no one ever said how well I was doing or said anything positive at all really. They weren’t being unpleasant and I was doing fine - they were all just desperate to share their knowledge and lost sight of how it would feel to have nothing but a slew of constant suggestions

Don't take full advice on here. I applied what I was reading and my DD told me that she didn't understand why I was being distant.
Ask about her, not just the pregnancy.

I can't stand pregnancy symptoms being minimised, the woman is growing a whole new human, that's tiring.
Give support as a couple.
Decide what, if any financial help you are going to give. My Mum bought the pram system for my DD's first, but my DD chose it. I bought the second pram and both times gave gift vouchers for Next and Asda. Don't give with strings attached.
Just listen, give opinions when asked.
She needs to feel supported, don't commit to anything you might not be able to do.
Keep the pregnancy about her, not just the baby coming, or, as said, women can feel like incubators.
Respect their rules and boundaries. Unless something is dangerous, or your DD is being badly treated, don't give unasked for opinions, or negative feedback.

This - a few people who had not been particularly close to us beforehand (their choice) suddenly wanted a very involved relationship when DC came along. We were perfectly happy for them to have a relationship with DC but it's very difficult to go from visits/interactions once in a blue moon to the expected much closer contact. Also quite offensive - the implication is that you weren't worth the effort before DC.

Really try to make sure you have as solid a relationship as possible with the couple and show you are there for them, not just the baby, and it's likely to all be much smoother.

Thank you, we’re well on the way, with things getting better all the time over the last couple of years -we see each other a couple of times a week and share a lot more than when she was in her teens so we’re on the right road.
@morepickles I completely get what you’re saying about it not just being about being pregnant and the actual baby, and this is precisely the balance I want to hit-thank you

Ask her what she needs from you and give it, no questions asked.

I don't have children but have read a lot on here about issues between grandparents and their children/grandchildren. I also had a quite distant relationship with my mother.

I'm going to say "well done" for seeking advice on this, because I've seen so many threads about GP over-stepping OR not being interested enough (apparently)!

What was really lovely was we were the first to now, she and her partner came to see us before visiting her partner’s parents, so I feel very privileged for that

My advice is that as her mum, you are the one best placed to know your DDs unique personality, the relationship she has with you, and where she'd see you on the spectrum of welcome support to overstepping. So rather than seek a blue print of advice to be the perfect GP, centre your DD and your SiL in your behaviour and try to be the GP they would want you to be. Which will be different from what people on here would want.
The only rules I'd say, is let them lead. If asked an opinion, give it honestly (if they wanted text book they'd Google, they're asking you for a reason!) but gently and without judgement.
Try very hard, particularly in the early days after the birth to remember that however excited you are and how in love with new DGC you are, your DD is YOUR child, so should remain the focus of your attention. My mum was the only person who visited me after the birth who looked at me, kissed me and asked after me before looking at DD. It meant a lot and I made sure to do the same for my DD.
Which I guess sums up my approach. My children are my children and my role as GP is primarily to support them. In the process I've developed a lovely relationship with DGC in their own right, naturally.

It seems a strange question for her partner to ask you. My daughter always knew she wanted to breastfeed which she did successfully three times so I never needed to answer that question.
But my answer would have been if you can I would recommend you breast feed. It's good for the baby and it is a lot easier than making bottles and taking them everywhere with you. But if you can't don't worry about it.
In general my advice would be not to offer advice unless it is asked for, accept that things may be done differently now to when your children were babies. Take an interest, be supportive etc. and if you are considering offering childcare don't underestimate how much older you are now than when your children were babies and how much hard work looking after a small baby is .

As the DD in this scenario:

You might find your relationship with your daughter becomes closer once baby is here. My mum has become my best friend since my DS arrived!

My biggest advice would be to find a balance. There is a line between caring and overbearing. Tell your DD you are proud of her, are here for her. Ask her how she is. Don’t make her feel like she’s just the incubator that is bringing your grandchild into the world. If you want to buy things for the baby, ask DD and her partner if there is anything they need. Don’t show up with bags of baby clothes (they might not be to their style) it is better to offer to buy the pram they’d like rather than lots of baby clothes. Let DD lead the way, if they want to tell you the gender, name, birth plans - great. If they don’t because they’re keeping it a secret - don’t sulk. We had a relative turn up their nose when we told them our DS name (quite a common name, nothing crazy or unique about it!) and it put us off telling them anything else.

Don’t be one of them crazy nans that demands to see the baby 10 mins after birth or he at the hospital.

Don’t be one of them nans who wants the baby to sleep over at 1 month old when mum doesn’t want to be apart from her baby.

If she asks for help or advice, give it. If she doesn’t, don’t put your nose in it. A lot of advice has changed. I used to roll my eyes at the feeding advice, sleep advice I used to get. Stop telling me to not hold my baby and stop telling me to buy cot bumpers!! No, my son doesn’t need to be in his snow suit in the car seat. It’s not safe.

Hope this helps, and congratulations on becoming a nanny xx

@Pinty he wasn’t asking me directly😂he asked whilst they were at our house and in general conversation and she looked to me for what I thought…once the time comes nearer I probably will say as you suggest, that if she can it’s the best, but not to beat herself up if she can’t or it’s not working for her

Congratulations! 🥰

It’s great you’re thinking ahead on how to approach becoming a grandparent.

My thoughts are:

Don’t give unsolicited advice. Only share your opinion if it’s asked.

Read up on safety and new advice on everything (weaning/baby-led weaning, breastfeeding/extended breastfeeding, bottle feeding, car seat safety/extended rear facing, babywearing/baby sling, safe sleep guidelines, parenting techniques/gentle parenting, birthing options…..) so that you have a wide range of information and you’re not close minded on one way… - Don’t just read parenting books by popular people…

Don’t make it all about the baby… always be there to see your daughter first, not the baby. Don’t offer to take the baby, offer to do the housework, cook meals for them in advance etc etc

Don’t insist on being told when they are going into labour, don’t expect to be at the birth, don’t expect to be in the home if a home birth or at the hospital, don’t expect to visit them in hospital, don’t expect to see the baby when they get home as soon as possible. Go by what they need and feel.

Don’t ask or expect to have the baby without the parents, not for a walk down the road or to the park, don’t ask for sleepovers etc etc They may ask you if you want to but if you ask it will put pressure and make them feel guilty if they don’t feel comfortable being seat from their little one.

I think those are the major thoughts.

I hope all goes well with the pregnancy and birth 😊

But still… before focussing on your grandchild, I’d be focus on improving your relationship with your daughter from not bad

I do hear what you’re saying, but I think you’re reading a bit too much into it, when a mother/daughter aren’t massively close, it doesn’t mean it’s a bad relationship

You also need to decide what and how much you want to/can give when the baby is born in terms of help. That can be quite tricky. Childcare is ruinously expensive and young couples are desperate for help. But retired parents might have other plans, or might want boundaries around how much they can/want to give of their time and energy.

Please don't fall into the 'its a grandmas prerogative' mentality. And please respect what she asks of you no matter how 'silly' you might feel it is.

I asked my mum not feed anything to my new to weaning 6 months old when I wasn't in the room (purely because I'm very comfortable weaning with solids but she hasn't done the research to do it safely) Came back to find her feeding her croissant. 'oh it was just a bit, I'm the grandma can't I give my granddaughter a bit of food?'

Same with MIL brings us bags of plastic tat that we don't have room for on the house, even after we've said no more please 'well I'm the grandma, I have too!'

The fact that you're asking here tells me you'll be a brilliant grandma, congratulations

Don't be judgemental.

Only give advice if you are asked.

Support your daughter- even if you disagree